Rule #102: Force Kids to Wear Sunblock Indoors


Don't get too close to the window. Or the camera flash.

Let’s face it, the sun is Satan’s play toy.

With his ball of hell fire, the Evil One is able to create droughts, sizzle the new paint job on your Escalade, and coax nubile young women to wear bathing suits exposing lovely, sun-kissed soft skin parts that the dark demon wants the world to illicitly see.

And then there’s the issue of your children’s sensitive skin. [Read more...]

The Case for Child Window Locks


Just wait until he discovers matches.

Rule #100: Blame Someone Else’s Child for Pool Poop

pool poop

You gotta be shitting me. Is that another floater?

Remember the four pounds of dried apricots you forced little Jamie to eat for lunch?

Well, they staged an ugly coup in your child’s colon, broke down the doors to the anal palace, and came screaming into the previously tranquil kingdom of the neighborhood pool’s 2 feet area.

The resulting spasm of fetid floatsam cleared the pool witin seconds, leaving Jamie both ashamed and embarrassed.

Of course, you always want to shield your child from shame, especially when it’s just as easy to blame someone else. [Read more...]

Rule #74: Tell People Your Child Has Special Powers

kid with special powers

He slayed the shit out of a woolly mammoth in our backyard. No seriously, he did.

Naturally, you’ve mentioned to anyone who’d listen that your child is gifted and talented.

And you’ve also blurted out countless times that Tiffany plays travel soccer, travel lacrosse and has been recently selected for travel bocce ball.

But no one seems to give a shit. [Read more...]

Rule #54: Demand Special Treatment For Your Child

Sure, he may get lonely on his private school bus, but at least he won't come home with boogers wiped on his jacket.

A private school bus may be lonely, but at least he won't come home covered with boogers.

Your loins have produced offspring so genetically perfect that the rest of the world—otherwise known as the woefully inadequate—better just get the hell out of their way (your children’s way, not your loin’s).

In school, in sports, in restaurants and even in personal grooming, never forget that, even if the rights and opportunities of others are trampled upon, you have to do what’s best for your child.

In fact, use that line as often as you can. It actually flows effortlessly once you get past its incredibly selfish tone. Go ahead, try it: “I have to do what’s best for my child…I have to do what’s best for my child…I have to do what’s best for my child…”

And…um, don’t say aloud the second part of this sentence, which is “…even if it means you, a common stranger or neighbor, along with your child get shit on in the process.” [Read more...]

Rule #52: Give Your Child False Hope

One day, you'll all be stars. Or baristas at Starbucks.

One day, you'll all be stars. Or baristas at Starbucks.

Everything in life begins and ends with false hope, wagging in our collective faces like the plump teat from which we suck vigorously—only to realize it’s the equivalent of an implant.

It is a fleshy mirage, and we feel like bitter fools after realizing our folly.

This is the stuff of life, naturally, but your child doesn’t know this yet. So that’s why it’s important to fill his little head with a range of opportunities and outcomes that give him false hope.

These daily episodes of delusion will keep him foolish, lazy and happy, making your life fairly simple because you’ll never have to do the hard parenting work of setting realistic expectations.  [Read more...]

Rule #31: Ignore Your Child’s Crying

Ignore your kid's whining and she'll go away. Either by wandering off or by Child Services.

Ignore your kid's whining and she'll go away. Either by wandering off or by Child Services.

Like most normal parents, your goal in life is to minimize how much your children annoy you.

This isn’t always easy, because while your kids are miniature versions of you—and you can’t imagine not spending quality hours staring at a smaller, cuter you—there are plenty of times when it’s much more beneficial to simply ignore them.

You have a life. You have things to do, like playing the Lottery, watching fishing shows, and spending ridiculous sums of money on purses you can tote your maxed-out credit cards around in.

Early on, the so-called Ferber method taught you to let your baby “cry it out,” which essentially meant displaying to your child that they could count on you to bolt when things got dicey.

With this kind of groundwork in place, it’s important for your child to develop a feeling of unease and general palm-sweatiness—knowing that it’s never about him.

It’s about you. [Read more...]

Rule #7: Make Sure Your Kid is Obnoxious

kid showing off something

The only thing he's showing off is obnoxiousness.

A confident child is a wonderful child, which means you should frequently remind your offspring that they’re gifted, talented and more unique than average children—especially their friends and kids spawned from the Great Pool of Extremely Average who attend regular public schools.

Precocious offspring elicit joy wherever they roam. Everyone loves a child who is incredibly smart and shows it by reciting all he knows at every possible opportunity.
[Read more...]