Cigarettes Can Stunt Your Growth

But how many did this guy have?

cigarette dreams

There's a new Marlboro Man in town.

From: TCD

Related rules:

Rule #60: Pack Smokes in Your Child’s Lunch

Come on, you know the FDA won't call it nutritionally balanced without the cancer sticks.

How is your kid gonna survive on a diet like this? More cigarettes, please!

Remember those carefree days of your youth when long, semi-passionate drags on a Camel unfiltered cigarette during recess meant returning to the classroom with a slight buzz?

Those were such wonderfully innocent times—and so different from the overly watchful and “health-oriented” school systems most of our children are trapped in.

But smoking—particularly childhood puffing—is as American as tire slashing, random bullying and trespassing. So, when you’re packing little Monica’s boloney sandwich for lunch, slip her a little something extra (we’re thinking cool menthol) that will make her the idol of peers and the always cool custodial staff. [Read more...]

Rule #53: Stunt Your Child’s Growth

Keep on chugging, we can't get you new shoes for another year.

Keep on chugging, we can't get you new shoes for another year.

Your child has had the appetite of a ravenous hyena since the day he was born.

It’s fairly sickening, actually, with off-the-charts growth (head, feet, adenoids), and his trips to the Waffle House have you heading toward the poor house.

Which is why you should nip his big-boned future in the fat bud and take measures to stunt his growth, both vertically and horizontally.

Seriously, did you really think your child would be in the NBA or become a lanky model? Shrimpy children are underrated for their pluck, spunk and the bit parts they might land in Wizard of Oz revivals for the Lollipop Guild. [Read more...]

Rule #43: Feed Your Child Garbage

Trash: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Trash: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Ever since your child has been old enough to cry (age: 3 seconds), he’s been a waste-producing machine.

Leaving a trail of filled diapers and discarded food in his wake, he has produced more waste than a Russian power-plant and has no signs of slowing down.

Which is why you must force the little garbage gremlin to pull his weight by using him to get rid of your trash. [Read more...]

Rule #16: Put Your Child on a Supermodel Diet

No one likes a chubby kid. Except for maybe Ronald McDonald. And no one likes him.

No one likes a chubby kid. Except for maybe Ronald McDonald.

Let’s face it. There are a lot of fat kids out there these days. And there’s nothing more embarrassing than being the parent of one. Sure, your kid keeps in decent enough shape, but if you’re really honest with yourself, you know your child is only a couple Twinkies away from appearing as a guest on an obesity-themed episode of Maury Povich.

But you’d rather be safe than have tubby children, because that would be a lousy reflection on you. This means you should put your child on a supermodel diet, because exercise, for what its worth, isn’t what your family is about—unless we’re talking races to the sprawling buffet at Ponderosa.
[Read more...]