Just the Two of Us


Only two things in this world are permanent: our hair, and our love.

Also see:

Rule #103: Push Your Child to Join a Gang


Helmut? I don't need no stinking helmut.

Does your little guy still have that weird facial tick and irritable bowel?

He is destined for life’s fringes, good people, but you can help him feel included right now. Gang life usually gets a bad rap because of petty things like extortion, money laundering, fraud, death and mayhem. But it takes a village of young thugs to make all of this happen.

That’s where your son comes in. [Read more...]

Male bonding

male bonding

Just another father and son outing.

Related rules:

How to Save Space on the Fridge


This way daddy will never forget your artwork.

From: electrikmouton

Relevant rules:

10 Year-Old Supermodel: At Least She’s Pulling Her Weight


At least she's pulling her weight. All 43 pounds of it.

From: Buzzfeed, via Jill Ess

Relevant rules:

Rule #97: Grow Weed With Your Children


Come on, dad. If we're going to run a profit on this motherfucker we're going to need a bigger patch than that.

We’re all about character-building experiences, especially during the summer.

We’ve even heard stories about right-thinking parents who have put their kids to work mowing lawns for seniors in the neighborhood, working at farmer’s markets and, of course, there’s the requisite lemonade stand that always looks great in family photo albums.

These pursuits are wonderful and wholesome…but they produce chump change. [Read more...]

Rule #93: Form a Rock Band With Your Teenager

family band

So, uh, when do the hot babes you promised us show up, Dad?

Your teenage son may not admit it in the light of day, but he thinks it’s very, very cool when you play air guitar to “Running With the Devil” on the Lexus’s steering wheel while you’re driving.

And the part where you grimace like Eddie Van Halen in the throes of a long, finger-dancing guitar-gasm?
Your son loves it.

Sure, he and his buddies already play in a garage band. And they sound pretty good sometimes. They’ve even had a few gigs around town. Girls seem to like them, too.

But know this: Your son is proud to have you as a father, because when you and Eddie V become one in air guitar-ness, you’re showing your son, in no uncertain terms, that you can “jam.” (Note: “Jam” is a word musicians use to describe playing together.) [Read more...]

Rule #89: Run Your Child’s Political Campaign at School

run your childs school election campaign

Lindsey will not be doomed to repeat my failure. Lindsey will NOT be doomed to repeat my failure.

In the harsh world of running for class president, vice president, secretary, or treasurer, there is little room for miscalculation.

Because, let’s face it, miscalculation leads to failure, and failure leads to mumbling to the lunch lady about how, if you’d just promised in your campaign speech to create an all-tater-tot lunch menu, things would have turned out differently back in the day.

But that was long ago, and you’ve learned from your mistakes.

And now it is time to turn those verbal and physical mishaps—especially the one where you soiled a perfectly nice pair of O.P. shorts—into victories for your child by becoming his or her campaign manager. [Read more...]

Rule #88: Nothing Is More Important Than High School Homecoming

high school homecoming

This is the greatest day of your lives. What the hell do you mean it doesn't feel like it?

Remember when Friday-night lights shone brilliantly, perfumed air commingled with the whiff of popcorn and raw turf?

The pageantry and purpose of high school came together as a student body—football players, cheerleaders, band members, water boys/girls, team managers, vocally supportive classmates in the grandstands and, yes, the gorgeous homecoming court—captured the essence of youth and hope?

Of course you don’t. You and three friends were in the parking lot cozying up with a bong the length of a Trans Am.

But that doesn’t mean you should dismiss the importance of homecoming for your teens. In fact, because you didn’t exactly take part in the “pageantry and purpose” yourself, make sure you tell your children that homecoming is one of the most important events in their lives…like, ever. [Read more...]

Rule #86: Get Matching Mother-Daughter Tattoos

tramp stamp

I know it's a little high for the tramp stamp you wanted, but it's totally going to sag down to your ass eventually.

Ink on young skin is sexy. Ink on old skin is sexy, too.

Well, provided the light is right and the guy with the toothy grin and nice watch at the end of the bar keeps filling your glass and telling you 45 years old has never looked so damned good on anyone.

Which prompts you to adjust yourself by moving things around that usually didn’t require tending to a decade ago. [Read more...]

Rule #83: Teach Your Child to Shoplift

teach your child to shoplifting

Remember kids, it's only a crime if you get caught.

Yes, it has come to this.

Not necessarily because your paycheck is lighter or you’re struggling to pay the mortgage, but merely because of the existential thrill of giving your child career alternatives.

Besides, everyone needs a hobby, and playing the clarinet will get your kid roughed up in school.

Lest we forget, in the long run, this benefits you, since you should encourage your child to pilfer things that you need. [Read more...]

Rule #78: Give Your Baby Plastic Surgery

barbie being barbie

She has her mother's eyes. No really, we took them from a Barbie doll her mother owned.

Well, sure, your kid is 6 months old, and people keep telling you how cute she is.

But as they ramble, you sort of detect a tone that says, “But, looking at you, I’d say your baby’s cuteness won’t last long—I give it maybe another three or four months, tops.”

This near-sighted buffoon might be on to something. [Read more...]

Rule #72: Give Your Kid a Trophy For Everything

trophies for everything


If you’re like most parents, you probably spend an inordinate amount of time wondering why the world hasn’t heaped more praise on your child.

After all, he’s amazingly special, what with the way he can talk without dribbling creamed corn down his chin—oh, and the way he remembers the sequence of Slurpee flavors on tap at 7-Eleven, or the way he can recite all the major plot points of the Twilight series without taking a breath.

Those traits require talent, and they’re almost as good than splitting the atom. [Read more...]

Rule #57: Pick Up Chicks With Your Kid

Well, I don't like to brag, but this baby freaking loves me.

Hey lady, if you cry hard enough, he'll probably even change your diaper.

You are a walking, talking, blubbering Petri dish of insecurities.

It’s obvious to everyone, even the blind dude with the dog that licks your loafers on the subway, but somehow you don’t see it—in much the same way you don’t see your unholy tangle of ear hair.

But you have a cute kid.

It’s weird. Millions of insecure and otherwise ugly to average-looking people have cute kids. No one can explain it, sort of like why people still eat boloney sandwiches.

Anyway, employ this cute kid of yours for something useful like picking up chicks. Even if attractive women won’t talk to you, it doesn’t mean they won’t talk to your child. It works, and if your munchkin is noshing a boloney sandwich at the time, your odds of success are even better. [Read more...]

Rule #44: Become Your Kid’s Facebook Friend

It's just like listening in to their phone calls, without the heavy breathing.

It's just like listening in to their phone calls, without the heavy breathing.

All kids, especially teenagers, need emotional security, and nothing gives them greater stability than having a parent as a Facebook friend.

You’ve probably heard that teenagers would rather wear braces and headgear until they’re 40 than have parents tromp around their social turf. That’s complete bullshit.

These protests are cries for attention.

Your teenager may throw his body in front of his computer screen each time you walk by, but really, underneath it all, he wants you there. And nothing will elate him quite like adding you adding him as a friend on Facebook. [Read more...]

Rule #34: Arrange Your Teenager’s Dates

Arranging dates for your daughter is sort of like buying an insurance policy.

Arranging dates for your daughter is sort of like buying an insurance policy.

A good date is to a teenager what dentures are to your Uncle Morty: a necessity for social status and the one surefire way of getting a decent meal at Red Lobster.

But just as you wouldn’t expect your uncle to gum his way through life, your child needs an assist when finding a squeeze.

Think about it. You’ve been arranging your teenager’s social circle since the first toddler play date and have managed to control her choices and tastes…which, interestingly enough, look a hell of lot like your choices and tastes.

Your child doesn’t resent this whatsoever, which is why she’ll be thrilled when you arrange dates for her. [Read more...]

Rule #9: Boost Your Crappy Self Esteem Through Your Children

Your kid gets a trophy - and you get a boring story to tell. Ahh, vicarious living.

Your kid gets a trophy - and you get a boring story to tell. Ahh, vicarious living.

Sure, you never played sports, and you regularly get stomach cramps just from walking in circles muttering to yourself. And sure, your understanding of sports is kind of hazy, especially when it comes to rules and, well, how to actually play anything without looking like a wounded chimp.

Which is exactly why you should prop up your child as the athletic prodigy that you believe he or she truly is. It’ll make you feel better, almost like you’re the one wearing the nice uniform or scoring the winning basket or goal yourself. This is vicarious athleticism, and it’s a great position to be in. Better yet, all this attention will make your children feel even more important and talented than they really are, boosting their ego beyond all reasonable levels.
[Read more...]