Rule #105: Ignore Your Child’s Anger Issues


That's not a purr. That's a cry for help.

You’ve probably noticed little Samantha requesting more raw meat with her meals, especially breakfast.

It would be foolish of you to turn down these requests. You see, Samantha is growing, learning and adapting to the world around her, and that world often needs the fuel of uncooked sirloin.

Which brings us to Samantha’s alleged anger issues. [Read more...]

Rule #104: Feed Your Child Soap

feed child soap

After the initial sting you'll start to get numb to the pain. Just like real life.

We’ve heard about barbaric parents who have “washed their child’s mouth out” with soap for any number of verbal infractions.

But this is like inserting a Lego in your puppy’s ass for soiling your carpet…which doesn’t work, as we’ve learned through, um, friends who have told us as much. (Seriously, we don’t even own Legos.)

Feeding your kid soap is a kinder, gentler form of punishment. It can be used for any number of transgressions (rudeness, poor grades, trying to stuff Legos up your puppy’s ass), yet we’ve found it works best when used in conjunction with a clean soul. [Read more...]



We're not going to play favorites with you two.

Cost-effective Hydration

don't drink the water

Don't drink the water. You have no idea where that kid has been.

Rule #96: Allow Your Child to Touch Everything


What's filthier: my hands, or the scabby Band-Aid I just picked up?

Tactile learning is incredibly important to a young mind.

And if you find yourself in the company of a chimp, sloppy-drunk frat brother or eager child, you’ll notice they possess an impulse to touch and otherwise disturb everything that comes into their line of vision. [Read more...]

Rule #77: Raise Your Child in a Barn

raise kids in barn

So, when Cowy goes to college, I can have his room?!

Organic farming practices are something to adore.

They produce gnarled, marble-size potatoes and apples as tasty as a kiss from a farmer who has been making his own organic toothpaste since 1965.

Which is why it makes perfect sense to raise what we like to call “organic barn children.”

Organic barn children are a bold answer to the parental refrain, “What? Do you think you were raised in a barn?”
[Read more...]

Rule #75: Arm Your Teen With Water Wings

drinking beer underwater

Danger lurks beneath the surface. Keep your child safely afloat with...floaties.

Sure, Nathan Jr. can swim. You even paid for the lessons a decade ago when he was 6.

But water, especially in shopping-mall fountains, large birdbaths and sandcastle moats, is beyond dangerous—it’s a nationwide tsunami of parental dread and worry. [Read more...]

Rule #69: Transport Your Child in a Hamster Ball

Hey, at least it's better than the leash, right?

He has your husband’s squinty eyes and nervous disposition and, to make matters worse, he’s always running around like some kind of toddler…or twitchy rodent from the hamster family.

Which is natural, because your son is a toddler.

But, damn, it’s a nuisance—not to mention a tremendous responsibility. You can lessen the hassle and add to the fun by allowing your active child to “move freely” inside the friendly confines of a giant hamster ball. [Read more...]

Rule #65: Put Your Kid in Timeout at an Orphanage

kid in prison

And you had the audacity to complain about sitting in the corner.

Joshua’s done it again: After you’ve repeatedly told him not to roast his sister’s training bra over an open-pit fire in the guestroom, the weight of your words are ignored.

Mockery has become the boy’s watchword, and he’s just daring you to put him in timeout.

And this you shall do, but with an effective twist: Send him to timeout at a place where punishment comes in the form of complete abandonment in a chamber of hopelessness, despair and goat-broth dinners. (Other than that, orphanages seem like great places.)
[Read more...]

Rule #51: Ignore Swine Flu Warnings

Can you believe the pet store gave him to me for free??

Can you believe the pet store gave him to me for free??

You’re not scared of the medical-hype machine with all this sky-is-falling crap about a pandemic, are you?

We know the media overhypes everything, from those nasty rumors about cigarettes being addictive to the myth about condoms preventing AIDS and how chicks digs them, we know that the media has a tendency to perpetuate unfounded rumors and, dare we say it, lies.

So don’t listen when the government and media start blabbing about impending doom.  According to statistics, bad stuff never happens to people like you.

It always happens to other people, who happen to live in the Midwest in doublewides, along rivers, and who have relatives or siblings with the middle name of “Wayne.”

So please, don’t heed the warnings—just ignore swine flu by: [Read more...]

Rule #48: Never Change a Diaper

Diapers: Remember when you used to spend your money on condoms?

Diapers: Remember when you used to spend your money on condoms?

Babies are poop-producing machines.

Despite not being able to stand up on her own, the inability to make coherent sentences and the fact that she has absolutely no motor skills, your daughter has managed to become a fierce competitor in the sport of filling up diapers.

And this is a problem. A really shitty one. Aside from draining you financially, the constant diaper changes are robbing you of your free time, and more importantly, your soul. You never signed up to be a butt janitor, and you’re fed up with the third-world-country-esque Diaper Genie and its accompanying stench. (Crap-filled sausage links, really? We’re not buying that shit.)

Which is why you should never change a diaper again in your life, and help your child:
[Read more...]

Rule #30: Love Your Pets More Than Your Kids

At least grandma's got her priorities straight.

At least grandma's got her priorities straight.

You invest too much time and emotion into your children to be getting such a crappy return on investment.

No matter what their age, they disappoint and demoralize you without fail.

They may not pull this off all in one inglorious day, but just as sure as you’ll receive a stale Whitman Sampler for your birthday, it’ll happen until, bit by bit, their tiny failures will render your soul barren.

Your pet daschund, on the other hand, never lets you down.
[Read more...]

Rule #17: Scare Your Child Shitless About Germs

He may look innocent...but he's planning on wiping that somewhere.

He may look innocent...but he's planning on wiping that somewhere.

It seems one half of the world is busy picking at scabs and boils, and the other half of the world is digging inside its collective nostril.

This dance of disgust goes on every day among the Great Unwashed, whose members ride buses, attend schools, play soccer matches, and generally cling to the hope that they can infect your child with germs so twisted and toothy that scientists have yet to name them.

It’s a filthy world. You know this, but your child does not. That’s why it’s up to you to scare him shitless about germs, which, of course, can be lingering on anything from a festering handrail to Grandma’s puckered lips.
[Read more...]

Rule #10: A Happy Child is a Child on a Leash

a leashed child is a happy child

Leashing your child teaches tough concepts like "boundaries" and "humiliation."

There are many endearing similarities between your 4-year-old child and a basset hound. A quick comparison of child and dog will make this statement even more profoundly true:

They both are giddily slow-witted.

They both drool.

They both adorably invade the personal space of houseguests, making them queasy and uncomfortable.

And they both seem to relish the comforting aroma of their own filth and have a curiosity for the filth of others.

But all this cuteness has its limitation, because both tend to wander out of your sight in public. Which is why it’s important to have your children on colorful leashes from the time they’re old enough to walk. We live in a terribly scary world that brims with playgrounds, inviting oaks and maples to climb and, perhaps even more sinister, other unleashed children.
[Read more...]