10 Year-Old Supermodel: At Least She’s Pulling Her Weight


At least she's pulling her weight. All 43 pounds of it.

From: Buzzfeed, via Jill Ess

Relevant rules:

Rule #101: Use Your Children to Test Electrical Outlets


Daddy! How much longer before I get to glow in the dark?

Electricians, much like doctors, are overrated and expensive, which means you can usually do their easy and relatively safe work yourself.

You have never been afraid of strong electrical currents, but you do have to support your family and couldn’t afford to be out of work if, in the unlikely event, an accident with actual, you know, electricity should occur.

So hedge your bets and let your children bear the brunt of testing all the rewiring you’ve done in the new family room. [Read more...]

Rule #97: Grow Weed With Your Children


Come on, dad. If we're going to run a profit on this motherfucker we're going to need a bigger patch than that.

We’re all about character-building experiences, especially during the summer.

We’ve even heard stories about right-thinking parents who have put their kids to work mowing lawns for seniors in the neighborhood, working at farmer’s markets and, of course, there’s the requisite lemonade stand that always looks great in family photo albums.

These pursuits are wonderful and wholesome…but they produce chump change. [Read more...]

Rule #89: Run Your Child’s Political Campaign at School

run your childs school election campaign

Lindsey will not be doomed to repeat my failure. Lindsey will NOT be doomed to repeat my failure.

In the harsh world of running for class president, vice president, secretary, or treasurer, there is little room for miscalculation.

Because, let’s face it, miscalculation leads to failure, and failure leads to mumbling to the lunch lady about how, if you’d just promised in your campaign speech to create an all-tater-tot lunch menu, things would have turned out differently back in the day.

But that was long ago, and you’ve learned from your mistakes.

And now it is time to turn those verbal and physical mishaps—especially the one where you soiled a perfectly nice pair of O.P. shorts—into victories for your child by becoming his or her campaign manager. [Read more...]

Rule #83: Teach Your Child to Shoplift

teach your child to shoplifting

Remember kids, it's only a crime if you get caught.

Yes, it has come to this.

Not necessarily because your paycheck is lighter or you’re struggling to pay the mortgage, but merely because of the existential thrill of giving your child career alternatives.

Besides, everyone needs a hobby, and playing the clarinet will get your kid roughed up in school.

Lest we forget, in the long run, this benefits you, since you should encourage your child to pilfer things that you need. [Read more...]

Rule #73: Use Your Child as a Thermometer

kid as a thermometer

Wait, how long did you say I have to stay out here for?

God damn it’s hot outside.

Or at least it looks that way from inside your air-conditioned lair as little Billy’s shoes are welded by the sun to the concrete.

And some dude on the local news (did he say his name was Topper?) keeps saying there’s a record-breaking heat wave.

Which is something that makes you curious, but not curious enough to leave your sectional and the remote.

Still…you once considered meteorology as a career (right before cosmetology and just after astrology), and you’d very much like to know what all this weather-related fuss is about.

Naturally, this is a job for your child.
[Read more...]

Rule #67: Use Your Stroller as a Battering Ram

strollers as battering ram

Those bitches at the park will never see us coming.

First, they took away your semi-automatic Browning—a birthday present that could blow a hole in fat maple from 75 paces.

Then they made you give up your Chuck Norris-autographed numchucks.

And the last straw was banning you from lobbing rocks at the miscreants in your neighborhood (translation: anyone who happens to disagree with you).

But you know what?

Those soft, liberal dick-weeds can’t take away your baby stroller.

In fact, your Swedish brand—a double-decker equipped with what looks like a spoiler—has enough heft to cause more damage than a runaway Delta 88 driven by an escapee from the senior center. Use all that Swedish engineering to drive home your point, even if it’s pointless.
[Read more...]

Rule #57: Pick Up Chicks With Your Kid

Well, I don't like to brag, but this baby freaking loves me.

Hey lady, if you cry hard enough, he'll probably even change your diaper.

You are a walking, talking, blubbering Petri dish of insecurities.

It’s obvious to everyone, even the blind dude with the dog that licks your loafers on the subway, but somehow you don’t see it—in much the same way you don’t see your unholy tangle of ear hair.

But you have a cute kid.

It’s weird. Millions of insecure and otherwise ugly to average-looking people have cute kids. No one can explain it, sort of like why people still eat boloney sandwiches.

Anyway, employ this cute kid of yours for something useful like picking up chicks. Even if attractive women won’t talk to you, it doesn’t mean they won’t talk to your child. It works, and if your munchkin is noshing a boloney sandwich at the time, your odds of success are even better. [Read more...]

Rule #49: Steal Your Kid’s Money

There is DEFINITELY enough in here for some malt liquor.

There is DEFINITELY enough in here for some malt liquor.

His piggy bank sits there, pregnant with quarters and tightly folded dollars bills and an occasional 5 spot.

And, truth is, this big ceramic piece of money-saving goodness kind of mocks you.

It says: Look at how Little Daniel is earnestly stowing away money every day, and look at how it accumulates nicely. And you? Your savings account is a barren womb of financial disappointment.

You have no cash these days, and your credit card has become a plastic whore of convenience who lays down any time you’d like.

That’s why swiping your child’s piggy bank cash—just to have a little walking-around money—is important to your social status and the engine that drives our great economy. [Read more...]

Rule #46: Exploit Your Kids for Useless Causes

This seems like a really long line, but I can't wait to meet the Jonas Brothers!

This seems like a really long line, but I can't wait to meet the Jonas Brothers!

Dating back to your days as a geeky trombone player in junior high, people have been ignoring you.

There was the time you ran away from home, and then…well, no one noticed. And there was the episode when your “human chain of one” couldn’t stop the 100-year-old elm tree in your neighborhood from being chopped down.

Oh, and the time your parents went on vacation without you (you still can’t watch “Home Alone” without breaking into the hippie shakes and a cold sweat).

Thankfully for you, as a parent, the calvary has already arrived in the form of your kids.

There’s nothing that attracts a crowd quite like dangling a baby out of a window and likewise, bringing your child along to protests and rallies.

Besides, exploiting your child to advance your personal cause is not only noble, but it also has fringe benefits like: [Read more...]

Rule #33: Use Your Child As Cheap Labor

Unlike other children his age, this one actually deserves his dinner tonight.

Unlike other children his age, this one actually deserves his dinner tonight.

The shameful truth is that American children get a free pass these days when it comes to hard labor with little or no pay.

Which is why you always feel free to tell anyone who’ll listen about your hard-labor travails as a child. It usually goes something like, “When I was 5, I worked sun-up to sundown in a codfish plant beheading and gutting the day’s catch while an old codger with an eye patch and a mallet stood guard so I wouldn’t flee. Frankly, the experience made me a better person.”

This is a lie, naturally, and you’re pretty much a dick for perpetuating it. The truth is that you once ate codfish sticks when visiting your Uncle Hector, the funeral director who wore an eye patch, in Toledo. But in the gray area of truthfulness that comes with parenting, this hardly matters.

Instead, what you know to be true is that your bank account isn’t exactly flush with Benjamins right now. Sure, you could work some extra hours or maybe spend fewer dollars at massage parlors or at the dog track, but this would impact your lifestyle negatively. You need more time lounging, not less.

It’s high time your young children began to fill the family coffers with cash garnered from the sweat of their yet-to-be-developed brow. [Read more...]

Rule #27: Bribe Your Children With Sugar

Worried about rotting those baby teeth? Come on—they’re just going to fall out anyway.

Worried about rotting those baby teeth? Come on—they’re just going to fall out anyway.

Most media outlets would have you believe that the vast majority of American children are either complete fatties or well on their way to being one.

They will tell you, of course, that the culprit is sugar. And they will insist that assorted confections foisted on kids by their submissive parents are to blame.

This is clearly nonsense.

This great country was founded on sugar (look it up)—and generations of parents have learned that sugar, if used effectively, can convince a child to do just about anything.

If you’re struggling to get your child’s attention, or if you need to sway him in any way, forget a firm hand—sugar as a source of bribery is like giving candy to a baby. (Which, by the way, we recommend as a way to develop salivary ducts before the age of 6 months.) [Read more...]

Rule #14: Use Your Child’s Birthday to Flaunt Your Cash

Parents, it's YOUR party, and they'll cry if you want them to.

Parents, it's YOUR party, and they'll cry if you want them to.

Your child is astonishingly special. And because you’ve brought this child into the world, throwing a birthday party fit for anyone less than the Chosen One wouldn’t seem right. Even more important for you and your offspring’s ego is a party that absolutely squashes any celebration his friends might have.

Remember, this is less about making sure your child has a quality birthday than showing scores of other parents that you have the monetary and creative power to throw one hell of party—which makes their festive attempts look weak and puny by comparison (think Woodstock vs. a Baptism).
[Read more...]

Rule #13: Hit on Your Kid’s Teacher

The only proven method to improving your child's academic success is by hitting on his teacher. Swing away.

The only proven method to improving your child

Keep in mind that scholastic success starts at home – and with you. Your kid isn’t going to excel in school unless you get involved in his academic activities.

Sure, you could go over painfully pointless multiplication tables, forgettable history and verb conjugation, but who has the time or inclination for that kind of sacrifice? Besides, there are simpler and more direct methods to furthering his academic standing, like hitting on his teacher.
[Read more...]

Rule #10: A Happy Child is a Child on a Leash

a leashed child is a happy child

Leashing your child teaches tough concepts like "boundaries" and "humiliation."

There are many endearing similarities between your 4-year-old child and a basset hound. A quick comparison of child and dog will make this statement even more profoundly true:

They both are giddily slow-witted.

They both drool.

They both adorably invade the personal space of houseguests, making them queasy and uncomfortable.

And they both seem to relish the comforting aroma of their own filth and have a curiosity for the filth of others.

But all this cuteness has its limitation, because both tend to wander out of your sight in public. Which is why it’s important to have your children on colorful leashes from the time they’re old enough to walk. We live in a terribly scary world that brims with playgrounds, inviting oaks and maples to climb and, perhaps even more sinister, other unleashed children.
[Read more...]

Rule #9: Boost Your Crappy Self Esteem Through Your Children

Your kid gets a trophy - and you get a boring story to tell. Ahh, vicarious living.

Your kid gets a trophy - and you get a boring story to tell. Ahh, vicarious living.

Sure, you never played sports, and you regularly get stomach cramps just from walking in circles muttering to yourself. And sure, your understanding of sports is kind of hazy, especially when it comes to rules and, well, how to actually play anything without looking like a wounded chimp.

Which is exactly why you should prop up your child as the athletic prodigy that you believe he or she truly is. It’ll make you feel better, almost like you’re the one wearing the nice uniform or scoring the winning basket or goal yourself. This is vicarious athleticism, and it’s a great position to be in. Better yet, all this attention will make your children feel even more important and talented than they really are, boosting their ego beyond all reasonable levels.
[Read more...]

Rule #8: Bond With Your Kids Over Cigarettes and Alcohol

dad drinking while child cries

Booze and cigarettes makes bonding with children easy. (See above)

Every child wants to feel useful. And every parent wants to put his or her child’s fledgling motor skills to good use (and prove that there was, after all, a point to producing offspring). There’s no better place to match these objectives than by having your young children help you perpetuate and fully enjoy your vices. That’s why it’s important that you have them light your smokes and pour your beer.

Showing your child that he can make a difference at a young age is crucial to developing self-esteem and a sense of pride. And allowing your child to light your cigarettes and fetch your beer not only hastens this development, but it also starts your father-son (or mother-daughter) relationship on the right foot.

Think about it: you can simultaneously put your child to good use, build their self-esteem, strengthen your relationship, set a rock-solid example for your kids and still not miss a second of your nightly “Love Boat” reruns.
[Read more...]