We're not going to play favorites with you two.

How to Save Space on the Fridge


This way daddy will never forget your artwork.

From: electrikmouton

Relevant rules:

Cost-effective Hydration

don't drink the water

Don't drink the water. You have no idea where that kid has been.

Rule #97: Grow Weed With Your Children


Come on, dad. If we're going to run a profit on this motherfucker we're going to need a bigger patch than that.

We’re all about character-building experiences, especially during the summer.

We’ve even heard stories about right-thinking parents who have put their kids to work mowing lawns for seniors in the neighborhood, working at farmer’s markets and, of course, there’s the requisite lemonade stand that always looks great in family photo albums.

These pursuits are wonderful and wholesome…but they produce chump change. [Read more...]

Rule #86: Get Matching Mother-Daughter Tattoos

tramp stamp

I know it's a little high for the tramp stamp you wanted, but it's totally going to sag down to your ass eventually.

Ink on young skin is sexy. Ink on old skin is sexy, too.

Well, provided the light is right and the guy with the toothy grin and nice watch at the end of the bar keeps filling your glass and telling you 45 years old has never looked so damned good on anyone.

Which prompts you to adjust yourself by moving things around that usually didn’t require tending to a decade ago. [Read more...]

Rule #82: Back-to-School Shop at the County Dump

Now don't be greedy, there are enough Coors Light lunch boxes for everyone.

It’s that glorious time of year when highly educated and underpaid personnel, otherwise known as teachers, take over your major responsibilities.

And the mad men and women of Madison Avenue promote this seasonal transition with the idea of buying everything new: clothes, shoes, pencils and food stuffs like party wieners—all of which signal to your children that we are about to usher in another season of massive consumption.

You are not against the transition. In fact, it gives you more time to riddle caregivers and school personnel with long-form complaints. But you are against massive consumption, the kind that has made America weak in the knees for special offers in the snack aisle at Wal-Mart.

That’s why you’ll show your children and the insensible masses where you stand by doing your back-to-school shopping at the county dump. [Read more...]

Rule #81: Use Hand-Me-Down Braces & Retainers


Try to clean some of the food particles out before we put them on your little brother.

Dentists are always trying to tell you that every child’s mouth is different.

They’ll blather on about overbites and under-bites and pie-holes that are too big or too small.

But, really, a mouth’s a mouth—and this happens to be your third child’s mouth, so it really makes no sense why you should have to pay thousands of dollars for your 12-year-old son’s mouth of bent metal when your 14-year-old daughter just had her braces taken off. [Read more...]

Rule #43: Feed Your Child Garbage

Trash: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Trash: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Ever since your child has been old enough to cry (age: 3 seconds), he’s been a waste-producing machine.

Leaving a trail of filled diapers and discarded food in his wake, he has produced more waste than a Russian power-plant and has no signs of slowing down.

Which is why you must force the little garbage gremlin to pull his weight by using him to get rid of your trash. [Read more...]

Rule #6: Cut Your Child’s Hair at Home

cutting a child's hair is like shearing a goat

Why pay money for a haircut, when you can pay with your child's dignity?

Three factors play major roles in cutting your child’s hair at home:

1. As much as you’d hate to admit it, you don’t want your kid’s hair to be better looking than yours.

2. It’s a hassle to drive to Supercuts.

3. You’re feeling the effects of the economy. And you’re willing to sacrifice your child’s dignity for a few bucks.
[Read more...]