Rule #98: Blame Your Kids for Natural Disasters


It's simple, Timmy. You urinate on the toilet seat, God urinates on the world. And it's your fault.

Everyone is so convinced that earthquakes, wildfires, hurricanes and lousy liposuction jobs are acts of god…or maybe Rupert Murdoch.

God and Murdoch are great candidates, but they don’t necessarily help you instill a lack of confidence, coupled with a dose of paranoia, in your child. You want your son and daughter to feel the weight of the world coming down on them for misguided actions?

Next time Timmy carelessly misses the toilet when emptying his weak bladder, tell him the mishap caused a million-acre brush fire in Montana. “Damn it, son! Now antelopes have no place to roam…and it’s all because of you.”

And the C- Brittany got on her report card in social studies? If she is told her crappy grade resulted in the flooding of sacred boar-hunting habitat on the pristine island of Dickweed, it’s a good bet she’ll never get a C- in social studies again…and her geography IQ (while searching for Dickweed on a map) will soar.

Go ahead, look it up.

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