Rule #92: Teach Your Kid How to Hitchhike

in Rules of Parenting


Come on, you didn't expect me to give you a ride to school every single day, did you?

Remember that time when it was your turn to do the carpool and the neighbor’s snotbucket of a  kid ended up shitting their pants in the back seat?

Of course you do, because all the Odor Eaters in the world still haven’t been able to clear the stench from the air. (And Grandma passes out every time she’s stuffed back there for a family road trip, even when she’s sober).

What if you found out there was a solution – a way to remove yourself from carpool duty and parental responsibility in general? Well, there is. Just teach your kid how to hitchhike.

Hit the Road, Jackass

Let’s be honest, when little Billy came along, you had to turn in your King of the Road card. You swapped your Delorean for a minivan and it’s been downhill ever since.

Your van has been littered with Cheerios and you’ve slapped one of those panty-freezing “Baby on Board” stickers on your rear bumper. You’ve been a shell of your once proud self and no one has honked at you because they were horny.

But what if little Billy wasn’t allowed to ride along? What if he had to find his own way around? What if you taught him to hitchhike?

You may be thinking “but isn’t that dangerous?” or “who will hold my beer while I change lanes?” and those questions are both appropriate, but they should not be dealbreakers. In fact, teaching little Billy to hitchhike has many more benefits than it does risks, like:

He’ll meet new people.

You’ll save on gas.

You’ll finally break free from the carpool lanes and be back to revving your engine – and the loins of women nearby – in no time.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

terry January 22, 2011 at 9:49 am

LOL!!! Try this or paying the bus driver in sexual favors to be your personal ride caddy!


Parenting Tips March 23, 2011 at 2:01 pm

This depends on our child’s age cause our child’s safety is the parent’s concern. Kids at their grade school years are in their exploring years. There’s nothing wrong in hitch hiking. But still we are the one responsible no matter what would happen.


Silly Dad March 28, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Parenting Tips is totally right. It absolutely depends on the child’s age.
You HAVE to start them young. If you wait until they’re too old, they’ll flag down a police car and have you arrested.

That’s why you have to brain wa…. er, train them early.
And again, Parenting Tips is absolutely right. There’s nothing wrong “in” hitch hiking (or grammar/punctuation/reading the post before you comment on it- for that matter) and it’s even better to accept rides from strangers in white, windowless vans who promise candy to eat and puppies to play with.

And finally, Parenting Tips is right again. They ARE our responsibility. But if they don’t come back, then neither does the responsibility!

So, teach them to get those thumbs up! Your kiddos will probably beat you to the school play. Especially since you’re most likely gonna stop off at the bar on the way. And don’t forget, you have to pick up your hooker… I mean “date” on the way.


LA Juice April 12, 2011 at 4:06 pm

I don’t have kids, I was too scared of the responsibility. But then I found this site, and now I realize how easy it can be. I am so getting knocked up this weekend!

Thanks BPA!!


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