Rule #90: Make Your Kids Share Their Birthday

share your birthday

Wish for something good! And make sure it can easily be divided into three pieces!

Little Josh turns 5 today.

It’s a bit of a watershed. But honestly, it seems like everything in your children’s lives are watersheds, and you’re pretty damned tired of it.

The birthday expectations, the planning, the execution—it’s enough to make you want to ban the celebration all together.

After all, for the past decade or so, you’ve had to share your birthday with, in no particular order: your husband’s softball team, a bipolar cousin from Toledo, the director of outside sales for a window manufacturer, and a woman named Phyllis who vomited on your knee at a karaoke bar.

You’ve suffered and have a twitch in your right eye to prove it. Which is why you should get your kids’ birthdays out of the way and make them share a single celebration. One day. One piñata. One cake. One video. One vomit cleanup.

But you might be asking, “OK, I like the concept, but my children’s age range is too broad. I mean, along with Josh, I have a 16 year old who’s the product of a misguided road trip I took to Seattle with a drummer. Besides, Josh was born in October, and my 16 year old, Bonham, was born in April. I couldn’t possibly pull off a single party for both kids, right?”

Oh, but you’re wrong.

The concept is simple: 5 year olds love games, and 16 year olds usually love to be the center of attention, especially when they’re dragged into participating in events that could potentially be used on Facebook later.

Create memories by coming up with spectacular games for little Josh that his older brother will love to participate in. Really, who wouldn’t enjoy games like…

  • Paint-Your-Own-Pottery Bong
  • The I’ll-Never-Pay-It-Off Retainer Toss
  • Musical S.A.T.-Prep-Class Chairs


  • Pin the Tail on the Teen-Skank Girlfriend Wearing the Inappropriate Shorts and Half Tee-Shirt

You’re happy. Josh is happy. And your teenager will likely get over it years from now when he realizes the genius of it…and his skank girlfriend moves out of his apartment.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Kelly November 3, 2010 at 1:09 pm

You’re going to say DOH!!!!!!! Although I would find it shocking if you hadn’t already considered the following option. I didn’t have time to peruse all past articles, so……… it is. Stage a family “Conversion to Jehovah’s Witnesses” ceremony. It will be the LAST celebration you will need to ever acknowledge. The only things these people celebrate are baby showers, wedding showers and wedding anniversaries. All 3 are “girlie” gigs, so, you’re off the hook Father Knows Worst. Take the 5 yr. old to 1 measley Sunday School Type session and beg that someone from the congregation explain to him why he will no longer have Birthdays or Christmas. Be sure to play off your presence by telling them that you are visiting from out of state so they don’t come to your house. This will save you tons of money in the long-run. Just a suggestion.


buzz bardsley December 4, 2010 at 11:15 am

What would Tamosin do?…is all I would ask


buzz bardsley December 4, 2010 at 11:16 am



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