Rule #84: Own Wild Animals As Pets

wild animals as pets

Eff Mary and her little lamb. You're getting a fawn.

Have you ever witnessed the wonder in a child’s eyes when he spots a deer during one of your walks?

We have. Many, many times.

And while our first reaction is, “Hey, I bet it would be really cool and comforting to rub my face up against that deer’s lush white tail when I’m sleepy and a little drunk,” our second reaction is infinitely more practical:

“I absolutely must get a deer for my kid as a pet because no one else has one, and we would be considered all progressive and a little edgy. I want a deer, and I want one right now.”

The other benefit of owning wild animals is their relative cost (free) versus what you’d typically pay for everyday pets, which can cost as much as a night in a quality casino with the gold lamé vest you wear when you’re feeling lucky.

And then there’s the experience your children will receive by forcibly domesticating wild animals, which, at first, might not appreciate the idea of being swiped from their natural habitats to spend time around a family that smells like Eggo waffles, but that’s a Darwinian argument for another day.

The bottom line is that you want a wild animal for your kids, and damn it, you’re going to get one.

Our quick guide to wild animals and the lowly domestic species they can readily replace:

You have a hamster; switch it out to a squirrel. Sure, they’re a little unpredictable and would just as soon pretend your eyeballs are acorns, but by learning to apply tenderness, your children will eventually learn that not all of life’s small, wiry situations can be solved with a nut.

You have a Labrador retriever; switch it out to a badger. You want real protection and not some all-bark-and-no-bite-let-me-roll-over-and-lick-your-ankle beast? When an intruder comes knocking (or even a second grader, collecting for UNICEF), Buddy the Badger will show them a thing or two about loyalty. Of course, it may take a few years of intense training and strong sedatives to keep Buddy from eating your toddler’s fist, but it’ll be worth it for your family’s protection.

You have an exotic parakeet; switch it out to a crow. So, you might be thinking: Do I really want a carrion-eating scavenger around my children—that can’t be sanitary, right? Well, once you catch the crow (it’s not as tough as it sounds), clip its wings and teach it not to bore holes in your furniture out of frustration at listening to your child play “You Are the Wind Beneath My Wings” on the recorder, it will get much, much easier.

Unless, of course, Buddy hasn’t been given his sedatives, and he taunts your crow, which can’t possibly end well.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

KellyBell November 30, 2010 at 12:18 pm

I’m going to raising the bar of creativity on this one by adopting an “imaginary” pet. Something completely out of the norm. Mix species and whatnot. Like a “Jackalope”, for example. Or, a “Unigoat”. The possibilities are endless. But, strictly for disciplinary purposes or just to instill fear in your rotten children…………..let’s not forget “Jody” the pig from the Amityville Horror. Don’t forget to purchase some fishing line and a small rocking chair for shocking authenticity.

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