Rule #75: Arm Your Teen With Water Wings

in Rules of Parenting,Social

drinking beer underwater

Danger lurks beneath the surface. Keep your child safely afloat with...floaties.

Sure, Nathan Jr. can swim. You even paid for the lessons a decade ago when he was 6.

But water, especially in shopping-mall fountains, large birdbaths and sandcastle moats, is beyond dangerous—it’s a nationwide tsunami of parental dread and worry.

Each year, scores of teens become hormonally disoriented (horny) or chemically clumsy (stoned) and fall into 1 to 2 feet of water.

Nearly 100 percent of these accidents result in soiled and wet undergarments and the loss of the remaining slivers of post-adolescent self confidence your child may have held on to.

But all it takes is one fatal fall into shopping-mall fountain for the world to wake up to this hazard. Don’t allow your teen to be the first victim. The only sensible thing for parents to do is enforce strict water-wing codes for your teen during the busy summer months.

Most teens will balk at the use of water wings in social settings. This is to be expected because “vanity” and “self esteem” play a large part in a teen’s development, but as we all know, these elements are usually mauled, chewed and spit out by the age of 25.

Remember—you are fighting the “self esteem” battle now, so consider these tactics when convincing your teen that water wings are “cool.”

Your daughter, Tiffany: “But mom, I don’t want to wear water wings out in public. Like, I’ll look retarded.”

You: “Tiffany, sweetheart, have you taken a look at those mosquito bites on your chest? Well, no one else has either, especially boys. Tell you what. I’ll compromise. You wear the water wings, and I’ll get you one of those Victoria Secret instant-boob bras from a street vendor who sells the Chinese knock-offs.”

Your son, Nathan Jr.: “Dad, there’s no f-ing way I’m wearing water wings to the beach party Saturday night. Like, I’ll look retarded.”

You: “Nathan, I respect the fact that you’re worried about your looks. But the beach has too many sandcastle moats for my liking. I’ll compromise. You wear the wings, and we’ll finally allow you to use acne medication instead of mom’s homemade olive oil and bee’s wax remedy. Deal?”

See? Your children give a little, you give a little, and the world is a safer—albeit messed-up looking—place.

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