Rule #65: Put Your Kid in Timeout at an Orphanage

in Rules of Parenting

kid in prison

And you had the audacity to complain about sitting in the corner.

Joshua’s done it again: After you’ve repeatedly told him not to roast his sister’s training bra over an open-pit fire in the guestroom, the weight of your words are ignored.

Mockery has become the boy’s watchword, and he’s just daring you to put him in timeout.

And this you shall do, but with an effective twist: Send him to timeout at a place where punishment comes in the form of complete abandonment in a chamber of hopelessness, despair and goat-broth dinners. (Other than that, orphanages seem like great places.)

What, you think I enjoy sending you to a lonely-hearts farm?

This approach is all about well-intentioned tough love, and the benefits are immense:

Shedding excess pounds. Let’s face it, for such a young dude, Joshua is a fat ass. A few days fighting over the last undercooked lima bean will give him a new appreciation for the benefit of getting three squares from you.

Building up a tolerance for atomic wedgies. There’s nothing quite like the underwear tug that comes from angry orphans—a force so vast that Joshua’s nethers might be numb for several days, teaching him to adore the uninhibited dangling he enjoys at home.

Learning that two crappy parents are better than none at all. Since Joshua is on the front lines of abandonment, he’ll note that you’re not so bad after all…which gives you carte blanche to force him to pluck those hard-to-reach back hairs of yours and to embarrass him in front of his friends by giving them odd hip-hop monikers as you try to be cool (“What up, Lil’ Puss”).

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Natalie March 9, 2010 at 4:42 pm

I’m sure this is just hilarious to children who actually grew up in orphanages. Way to make light of something you obviously don’t understand.


jason March 9, 2010 at 5:04 pm

^^People like Natalie still exist? Being an idiot was so 2009.


Jeremy March 9, 2010 at 6:51 pm

You know, Natalie, you’re right: How can these jackasses make light of things they don’t understand or haven’t experienced first hand. Let’s a start a list of things that they’re banned from writing about. OK, here goes: kazoos, apartheid, the manufacture of toilet paper, digital photography of two-headed frogs, butt tattoos, mole removal, male-pattern baldness, female-pattern baldness, exploited water fowl…

That’s just for starters. I suggest we create an ongoing list that will pretty much ban these vile people from writing about anything with a satirical bent, OK?

Now we got ‘em, whaddya say?


Cat March 9, 2010 at 8:35 pm

I think Nat craves to be punished. Otherwise, why she following you to the orphanage? Time for a giant camel toe wedgie, Nat, or no porridge for you!


Gregory March 10, 2010 at 10:54 am

Camel toe wedgie? I think I found myself a new fetish.


Forgotten March 10, 2010 at 11:26 am

You give your kids 3 squares? By squares you mean those microwave meals with questionable meats in them, right?


Derr March 10, 2010 at 11:40 am

I think they mean 3 cigarettes per day, right?


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