Rule #58: Admit Your Baby Isn’t Cute

in Rules of Parenting

Either you can't look at it, or you can't look away. Either way, you're not reading this caption.

Either you can't look at it, or you can't look away. Either way, you're not reading this caption.

Your baby is an impish, miniature troll, who’s mere appearance can devastate aspiring Miss America contestants into never doing a pageant again.

You’ve been etching scars on friends and family members’ corneas with your wallet photos of “Ugly Jimmy” and in an honest moment, you realize you may have been responsible for several minor car accidents just by toting the sucker around in your stroller.

And this would be fine, if you quietly went about your business, raising the beast and ushering him patiently through an awkward adolescence.

But you keep subjecting us to “it,” and that’s something we won’t stand for, and neither should you.

Besides, admitting your baby isn’t cute is the first step in sculpting a healthy and realistic worldview for your child. Benefits include:

Lowered Expectations

Not everyone gets to marry Brad Pitt (even if they are the “hot” one from Friends), so clearly your little Madison stands no chance. Reminding her early and often of her aesthetic shortcomings will help dull the blow of future rejection.

Fun Social Disorders

Agoraphobia can tighten the bond you have with your child and provides plenty of “together-time.” Keeping your child far away from the spotlight – or even daylight – will benefit his mental health (and the eyesight of the general public).

Ensuring that your toddler Paul wants nothing to do with strangers, light-bulbs, lamps and humans in general will help you ignore his Quasimodo-like demeanor and avoid the painful subject all together.

Life Lessons Learned

The buses have long gone and even the nerdy kids who do extracurricular activities have abandoned the parking lot, but your little Samantha is still there, slowly coming to grips with the fact that she’ll be walking a long way home today. This will prepare her for life events like getting stood up at Junior Prom.

She’ll remember this and probably thank you for it later. Like in her thirties. Again and again. While she’s still living at home.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Mad Woman July 18, 2009 at 10:55 am

Oh my gawd! I know TONS of people who could benefit from this post. It’s like really? You think your kid is beautiful? Zoiks!

Truthfully though, aren’t all babies kind of hideous til they fill out those wrinkles and start to look semi human instead of like an old man crossed with an alligator purse, with alien eyes? Just looking through some old pics of my kids the other day and I realized how freakin NOT cute they were. Poor things. Good thing they’re gorgeous now.


Shell July 18, 2009 at 7:18 pm

My first born was almost 6 weeks premature. Ever see a seriously premature baby?? When shown to me, I instantly thought he looked alarmingly like a cross between a flying monkey and my dead grandfather. 16 years later, I still can’t watch The Wizard of Oz…;)


jason July 19, 2009 at 1:00 pm

that is the creepiest photo i’ve ever seen in my life. and i’ve stumbled across my parent’s honeymoon photos…so yeah. lots of competition.


Surfer Jay July 21, 2009 at 11:09 pm

Hahahaha. And that pic is awesome, I’m gonna make me one of those.


Sarcastica October 6, 2009 at 6:04 am

Hey, those car accidents are a result of my badonkadonk. Heh.

Great post!


jessica October 29, 2009 at 12:13 pm

I was not one of those moms who said aw my baby is so cute when he was born, my first thought was EW whats wrong with him. Thank God he got cute now cause I couldn’t handle alien baby.


Cat March 19, 2010 at 7:32 am

If people say, “Aww, I could just eat her up” when they look at your baby’s photo, be forewarned they probably think she looks like a brussel sprout. Cuz she probably does.


Creed August 22, 2010 at 2:25 am

They should make baby sized hockey masks to solve this issue.


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