Rule #57: Pick Up Chicks With Your Kid

in Rules of Parenting

Well, I don't like to brag, but this baby freaking loves me.

Hey lady, if you cry hard enough, he'll probably even change your diaper.

You are a walking, talking, blubbering Petri dish of insecurities.

It’s obvious to everyone, even the blind dude with the dog that licks your loafers on the subway, but somehow you don’t see it—in much the same way you don’t see your unholy tangle of ear hair.

But you have a cute kid.

It’s weird. Millions of insecure and otherwise ugly to average-looking people have cute kids. No one can explain it, sort of like why people still eat boloney sandwiches.

Anyway, employ this cute kid of yours for something useful like picking up chicks. Even if attractive women won’t talk to you, it doesn’t mean they won’t talk to your child. It works, and if your munchkin is noshing a boloney sandwich at the time, your odds of success are even better.

Co-Conspirator of Love

Your child needs to understand that daddy likes to be friendly with other women. It’s part of your duty as Mr. Nice Community Guy. Granted, these women are usually younger and prettier than mommy, but it’s only because they’re lonely and need to hear nice words said to them in the produce aisle or at the car wash.

Three themes need to prevail, and your child should be coached to weave each of them into the first minute of talking to the Pretty Lady Who Smells Good Touching Mangos. Try these themes:

Coinage. “You know, my daddy has an unlimited supply of money that I bet he would spend on you if you were nice to him.”

Mommy is a latter-day Hun. “My mommy locks us out of places, usually at night when it’s cold. I bet you have a warm house, don’t you?”

Your manhood. “I once saw my daddy naked, and he has this dangling thing that looks like a really happy giant aardvark. It was this long!”

Any woman in her right mind will be intrigued by Junior’s rambling missives about your perfection—and you won’t have utter a word.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

jason June 8, 2009 at 1:26 pm

whoa. i read this wrong at first and thought it said pick up kids with your chick. fail.


CatDeCenzo June 8, 2009 at 2:53 pm

Woah, is that a big piece of “b-o-l-o-g-n-a” you got there, is that just baloney?!


Miss C. June 8, 2009 at 8:44 pm

caption = so wrong


SillyDad June 9, 2009 at 11:54 am

Unfortunately, no matter how much coaching I give them, I’m certain my children would only tell the pretty lady with the cucumber in the produce isle about Daddy’s invisible pet elephant who follows him around and makes really awful noises. And smells really bad.
They hate that elephant.


sailor January 27, 2010 at 7:17 am

you spelled bologna wrong


bri February 10, 2010 at 9:15 am

that gross and pathetic why would you use your kid to get girls 9 out of 10 dont want men with kids


jason February 10, 2010 at 10:27 am

@Sailor: You spelled Douchebag wrong in the “Name” field.

@bri: You’re retarded, right?


Ben July 3, 2010 at 7:40 pm


@bri: I’m pretty sure 9 out of ten women don’t want kids with men. Kids are cute, until that unfortunate day puberty strikes and they turn into an ugly, hairy pirate impersonator.


Assclown August 19, 2010 at 2:58 pm

It’s true–women ARE attracted to guys with small children. You wouldn’t believe how many hot bitches hit on my husband when he’s out with our daughters, even if I’m standing right there.

Me? I’d run away screaming if some dude with kids tried to pick me up but I don’t particularly like children. Except my own of course.


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