Rule #54: Demand Special Treatment For Your Child

in Rules of Parenting

Sure, he may get lonely on his private school bus, but at least he won't come home with boogers wiped on his jacket.

A private school bus may be lonely, but at least he won't come home covered with boogers.

Your loins have produced offspring so genetically perfect that the rest of the world—otherwise known as the woefully inadequate—better just get the hell out of their way (your children’s way, not your loin’s).

In school, in sports, in restaurants and even in personal grooming, never forget that, even if the rights and opportunities of others are trampled upon, you have to do what’s best for your child.

In fact, use that line as often as you can. It actually flows effortlessly once you get past its incredibly selfish tone. Go ahead, try it: “I have to do what’s best for my child…I have to do what’s best for my child…I have to do what’s best for my child…”

And…um, don’t say aloud the second part of this sentence, which is “…even if it means you, a common stranger or neighbor, along with your child get shit on in the process.”

When Being a Standard A-Hole Isn’t Enough

Naturally, you’re going to demand that your son’s basketball coach play him at point guard, even if his ball-handling skills match those of a standard poodle. And, of course, you’re going to demand that your daughter get the lead in her school’s production of “Phantom of the Opera,” despite the fact that she can’t even hum without making eardrums bleed.

Most people have come to expect these types of requests from you.

But keep in mind these are mildly annoying demands from amateur a-hole parents. You can do better. Your a-hole status is professional, colossal, as if several municipalities could be sucked into the black hole of your audaciousness.

That’s why it’s important to show your parental chops with these “what’s best for my child” requests:

A school lunch that caters to food royalty…

Making your child’s lunch takes way too much time. Therefore, demand that her school cafeteria prepare meals specifically geared toward her culinary likes and dislikes—while being mindful that she’s allergic to wheat products, yeast, nuts, milk, beans, fish, poultry, all breads, frozen foods (including Nutty Buddies), water, carbonated beverages, juice of any kind, and most forms of air (including bottled and free-range).

Personalized, one-on-one attention from coaches, teachers and high-ranking government officials…

Since young Timothy is far from average, it’s natural that you expect all authority-figures he encounters in life to instantly notice and embrace Timothy’s unique abilities and insight. Sure, it may seem tiring for them at first, but as a forward-thinking parent you know it’s your duty to demand the best from those who mold his young mind outside the home.

This means getting Coach to work on Timothy’s jump shot before and after practice, getting Teach to come up with a personalized after-school curriculum for Timothy and it means bribing the security guard at the university of your choice to slip Timothy’s otherwise-mediocre college-application into the “Accepted” pile. And trust us, they’ll all thank you later for you allowing them to play an integral role in the upbringing of such a wonderful child.

Taking the clothes off a child’s back…

Parents in your neighborhood have gone to the effort to buy actual “clothing” for their children, but you don’t have that much time—and who wants to shop in miniature when you can shop Gucci for yourself?

So, size up your neighbor’s son—who wears roughly the same size clothing as your Jeremy—and request (or, in some instances, politely demand) that the boy hand over most of his wardrobe because it’s important for Jeremy to look nice.

The words can be fairly straightforward: “Give me that North Face jacket kid, oh—and those Air Jordan kicks, too. Hey, they’re for Jeremy. You understand, right? Just tell your mom and dad I have to do what’s best for him—and right now, it’s stealing the clothes off your back.”

Most neighborhood children will cave in.

Most parents, on the other hand, will do what’s best for their child when it comes to you: request a restraining order.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

SillyDad May 6, 2009 at 5:56 am

One way we let other parents know our child is better than theirs is by creating a gift registry at the local mall for her birthday – which she celebrates twice a year because her actual birthday is in the winter and we don’t want her to miss the fun of a summer party or the popularity inducing school time party.
Then, if/when a child brings a substandard gift to one of her birthday parties, we simply re-gift the item back to the original giver at their birthday. That way, they learn that giving low quality gifts, to our daughter at least, is unacceptable.
Also, when RSVPing to an invitation, we make sure that, if they expect our daughter to grace their common child’s mediocre party with her presence, they must bake a separate cake – whole grain, no sugar, and absolutely organic- provide guava juice, and have a sterile location for her to cleanse herself from contact with them before she returns home.
Hey, we’re only doing what’s best for our child, right?


bloggingmom67 May 7, 2009 at 5:38 am

Great post, as always. I’d add on to your list:

If you child gets in trouble at school and get suspended, burst right into the principal’s office and demand an apology. So what if your kid blew up the boys’ bathroom. Boys will be boys. Why should your child get punished?


jason May 8, 2009 at 9:56 am

“Since young Timothy is far from average, it’s natural that you expect all authority-figures he encounters in life to instantly notice and embrace Timothy’s unique abilities and insight.”

Oh GOD. you must be a teacher. we face this with so many people.


Lula June 2, 2009 at 9:20 pm

hi there one things i want to tell guys
my parent treat me bad i dont knew why they doing this
sometime when he yell me he just call me the word


Perry June 12, 2009 at 8:19 am

I coached girls travel softball for a few years. Clearly you’ve had to deal with parents and a similar level. Before I got into coaching a friend of mine who had been coaching travel baseball once said to me “I love nothing better then cutting mediocre players and their gigantic pain in the ass parents.” I thought that was harsh at the time but I learned to totally understand where he was coming from.


All Star Coach July 13, 2009 at 9:43 pm

Thanks you all for making me laugh. I just finished managing my daughter’s all-start softball team, and throughout the district tournament was met with many of the parental compulsions alluded to. I Googled “coaching bad parents” and this was my first hit. Sweet. I am happy that I am not insane. It amazes me how parents will use filters to fit the emotional outcome for themselves that they are expecting. Before the championship game tonight, my beloved scorekepper mom became irate that her daughter wasn’t catching. Forget that she stinks, but was starting at left field and batting 6th, that wasn’t enough. I concluded at that point, that after 6 seasons in soccer and softball, it was time for a break. But now I’m the one rambling. Thanks for the laugh. The secret to life is thick skin!


Lucy October 27, 2009 at 6:48 am

Did I ever mention the time that bitchy Marcia called me up to tell me that Grayson ‘must have gotten food poisoning’ from the food I served at my son’s birthday? WTF? Can you imagine having the nerve or the time to make a mean, bitchy phone call like that? and Grayson — is that not THE most pretentious name you ever heard?


Kidgarbage February 26, 2010 at 8:49 am

Make up a fake hereditary handicap for your child, complete with fake doctors note. Contact the school and demand that the school bus route MUST have a stop in front of your house because you child cant stand outside. This is guaranteed to work.


momma of two June 21, 2010 at 2:23 am

i know parents like this-friends of mine.
also i work in the ER where, well, everybody is in turmoil. no one wants to be there. if i hear…”my bobby is a real hard stick for IV…” again, i may just say, “you are right bitch, he is. because he is two and you waited three days of vomiting before bringing him in! so now he is dehydrated, his veins are small, and he’s mad, because he feels like shit. he needs fluids and starting this IV ISN’T gonna be pretty no matter what i tell you so you may as well wait in the hall and talk bad about me later! :) have a great day.” ahhh…if our outside voices were permissible!


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