Rule #53: Stunt Your Child’s Growth

Keep on chugging, we can't get you new shoes for another year.

Keep on chugging, we can't get you new shoes for another year.

Your child has had the appetite of a ravenous hyena since the day he was born.

It’s fairly sickening, actually, with off-the-charts growth (head, feet, adenoids), and his trips to the Waffle House have you heading toward the poor house.

Which is why you should nip his big-boned future in the fat bud and take measures to stunt his growth, both vertically and horizontally.

Seriously, did you really think your child would be in the NBA or become a lanky model? Shrimpy children are underrated for their pluck, spunk and the bit parts they might land in Wizard of Oz revivals for the Lollipop Guild.

Good From the Very First Drop

No one likes those big, clumsy kids with duck feet and awkward posture. Make sure your child avoids growing pains and doesn’t grow to a Jabba the Hut like size that makes people stare in Wal-Mart with three simple steps:

Stick to a healthy diet…

…of black coffee and the occasional cigarette. Besides physically inhibiting their ability to grow, this will also help your child stave off the urge to eat, which will help you work overtime for your goals. Plus, a coffee and cigarette diet for young Pierre (formerly Peter) will allow you to save money for higher priorities (more on this later).

Get plenty of exercise

A few more inches and we were gonna have to throw you back.

A few more inches and we were gonna have to throw you back.

Signing your child up for a sport that will cause his or her body to peak prior to puberty – especially if you can find an overzealous coach with unrealistic expectations – can be the most effective way to make sure your child never grows up, literally.

For little Becki, find a local gymnastics team with a program that emphasizes bulimia and 4 a.m. workouts. For Travis Jr., find a traveling wrestling team that specializes in running until puking ensues, and surviving on ice chips and salt licks.

They’ll swell with confidence and unnatural, premature muscle growth, and you’ll radiate with pride. In fact, grab a gallon of java and pack of menthols and celebrate with your child. Light his smoke. Pour his joe. It’s moments like these that you and your “little” man will remember 20 years from now…when he’s touring with Ringling Brothers.


  1. jason says:

    See, my parents combatted this by giving us three boys 1 t-shirt that we all had to share. That way it would get stretched while we fought (making it big enough for everyone) and it would teach us that there were things worth fighting for. Like clothing. They would never spend all that cash on Starbucks or all that time putting me on a sports team.

  2. brent says:

    a few more inches and we’re gonna have to throw him back!!?? HAHA!!

    If only it were that easy. (JUST KIDDING GOVERNMENT AND LAWYERS)

  3. Jillian says:

    see…my parents let me start drinking coffee at age 13…yet i somehow still made it to be 5’7 (decently tall for a girl!). i guess they started too late. although, i did just find out my mom drank copious amounts of black coffee while pregnant with me…..her excuse? “you were the fourth kid, sorry”

  4. SillyDad says:

    My father found that treating us like veal kept us small enough to handle. Hence this picture of my brother and me when we were little. Oh, wait. We’re still little.
    Crate Kids

  5. fatty patty says:

    i know! i hate going to walmart — it’s swarmed with perfectly-fit, model-types who just stare, point and snicker at anyone who is the slightest bit heavy. there are never any fat people there — it’s almost as though fat people aren’t allowed to shop there or something!

  6. kitty says:

    hmm this post feels unfinished.

    you should have mentioned something about the possibilities and uses for a stunted growth child/adult..

    Depending on how old it is before you decide whether to sell it to the circus or train it for dog fighting. ;)

    Put some horns on the salivating ‘brutus’, give the kid a red flag, and you’ve got a show that will last as long as the kids muscles can hold out. (Which hopefully will be quite a while if it’s coach was good enough.)

    And if you’re really cheap, let the kid win, by a scrape, and charge admittance… and instead of wasting food/money on it, let it eat the deceased dog…

    I should be an accountant or a lawyer or something :D

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