Rule #51: Ignore Swine Flu Warnings

in Rules of Parenting

Can you believe the pet store gave him to me for free??

Can you believe the pet store gave him to me for free??

You’re not scared of the medical-hype machine with all this sky-is-falling crap about a pandemic, are you?

We know the media overhypes everything, from those nasty rumors about cigarettes being addictive to the myth about condoms preventing AIDS and how chicks digs them, we know that the media has a tendency to perpetuate unfounded rumors and, dare we say it, lies.

So don’t listen when the government and media start blabbing about impending doom.  According to statistics, bad stuff never happens to people like you.

It always happens to other people, who happen to live in the Midwest in doublewides, along rivers, and who have relatives or siblings with the middle name of “Wayne.”

So please, don’t heed the warnings—just ignore swine flu by:

Only eating raw pork

You’re going to see a lot of pork on sale that consumers are ignoring like a bunch of scaredy-cats. But don’t let this stop you from diving in for the bargain. Plus, you don’t want little Charlie thinking you’re a giant broth-drinking wimp.

Using crowded planes and buses to go everywhere

With the hype machine blah-blah-blahing away about airports being hot beds for the mythological virus, savvy shoppers can cash in on great airfare deals. Finally, you and the family unit can jet-set on the trip to Baja that had been evading you all these years.

Have you been romanticizing an 18-hour trek in a Grey Hound bus with the family? Climb aboard, sit back, and watch 150 other passengers (some with pet marmosets) from all walks of life hack and spew their way down Route 95 to the promised land of sunshine and high humidity.

Ignoring personal hygiene

The CDC is known to be a bunch of hypochondriacs, so for the sake of household anxiety levels, ignore all their warnings. Point out to your children that hundreds of years ago, pioneers lived for great periods of time, and they never washed their hands. Or used deodorant. Or brushed their teeth. Or showered.

And it would be disrespectful and un-American if we mocked the pioneers with our modern hygiene rituals just because of our silly fear of pig flu.

Visiting the petting zoo

At least she's not making out with pimply teenage boys...yet.

At least she's not making out with pimply teenage boys...yet.

Your child has been whining about getting a dog for years. All he sees is a soft puppy, and all you see is poop.

As a compromise, take him to the local petting zoo – where he can feel like he has a pet, if only for the day.

The best part? You’ll be the only ones there—-so your child can plod around, bravely wipe his boogers on goats and make out with the largest bovine in the yard.

They just might not let you out.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

kevin May 1, 2009 at 10:48 am

wait, what’s swine flu? did i miss something?


jason May 1, 2009 at 10:59 am

were any pigs harmed in the making of this post? there damn well better have been some pigs harmed.


john wayne bobbit May 6, 2009 at 9:31 am

what’s wrong with the middle name wayne???


Hannah September 25, 2009 at 10:18 am

I don’t believe in swine flu8)


mark September 8, 2010 at 7:06 pm

Love the site, but u said it best when u said something like “I really need to stop posting when I’m drunk”. Ur right. I .mean ” chicks digs them”? Where’d u get ur educatation? (nice callback right?). Sorry bout the stupid txtspeak shorthand. I’m doing this 2 pitchers in on my berry. Keep writing them we’ll keep reading them…and laughing. Awesomest blog ever.


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