Rule #50: Tell Your Child How She Was Conceived

Oh calm down, it's not like we're telling you the story of your actual birth.

Oh calm down, it's not like we're telling you the story of your actual birth.

Kids adore storytelling, and they especially enjoy tales where they are integral parts of the plot and its development.

And there’s no better story than the bumping, grinding and eventual liquid DNA hand-off that took place when little Elizabeth was conceived.

It’s a glorious saga of passion, carnal calisthenics, a $25 entrée…and 10 martinis.

In short, it was a beautiful night—and if you offer every detail of the evening to your child, she’ll appreciate just how incredibly lucky she is that, on the night she was conceived, it was lady’s night at Hungry Harry’s Bar & Grill and martinis were half price.

Once Upon a Time, We Had Libidos…

No matter how the seed was planted, the story is worth telling—it’s about clothes ripped off in a libidinous frenzy, sweat glands choked with Old Spice, careless words uttered like so many staccato Valentines hand-written by Dr. Woodcock.

Above all, don’t hold back. It’s important that your son or daughter, regardless of age, learns just how passionate and vital you once were. Indeed, beneath your fleshy exterior lies the once-proud (albeit fumbling) Lothario of backseats, closets, and bathrooms. Here’s a little help with the details:

Your mom always had a thing for hot rods…

Not fast cars, just roomy enough for taking care of business. You can approach this news with your daughter by saying something like, “You know, Jessica, mommy and daddy made you while daddy was driving on Interstate 95 just past the Waffle House.”

“Mommy was anxious, and I was always in a constant state of pants-related anxiety, so…well, given how fast my Honda Civic was going and how I couldn’t actually see the road, you really were a miracle baby.”

Your father and I just kind of bumped into each other at a keg party…

This beer makes my eyes think you're beautiful. Wanna make out?

This beer makes my eyes think you're beautiful. Wanna make out?

If your son’s conception was a complete surprise, it’s a mistake to hold off telling him was, um…a mistake.

Candor is important, and he’ll appreciate the romantic details of your first encounter:

“So, I was at this monster kegger, and I went into the bathroom looking for hand lotion because the winters always chap my hands—and then your father also wandered into the bathroom, claiming to be looking for his beer huggy.”

“Next thing you know, your father found his huggy, but it wasn’t for his beer, if you know what I mean.”

“He later said I kept calling him Richard, which was the name of the guy who brought me to the party. I really don’t remember that part…”

And, yes, skip the part about the paternity testing that transpired several weeks later. Those are the types of details that can really mess a kid up.

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

kevin April 29, 2009 at 9:55 am

wow. i can’t wait to have kids, just so i can do this.


fall from grace April 29, 2009 at 9:59 am

Do you remember this Chrysler Concorde ad?

Now I know why my brother’s middle name is Pinto…


jason April 29, 2009 at 10:13 am

this will be your first and last “bonding” conversation with your kid. they will probably never ask you anything again, except maybe for some money.


Meghan April 29, 2009 at 10:13 am

Does this mean babies don’t come from a stork? Someone has been lying to me.


SillyDad April 29, 2009 at 10:25 am

If you plan ahead, you can just show them the video you made. “See what Mommy could do before you ruined her? Yes, you’re still grounded.”


Father Knows Worst April 29, 2009 at 3:23 pm

@kevin: Aren’t you glad a logical reason has finally been provided?


bloggingmom67 April 30, 2009 at 5:47 am

Thanks for giving me a laugh today. I need it!


Father Knows Worst April 30, 2009 at 7:49 am

@Meghan: Well, that depends. Are your parents storks?

@SillyDad: We’re not worthy.

@bloggingmom67: When I need a laugh I just look at old photos of myself. Oh wait, that’s when I need to cry.


edie May 6, 2009 at 9:25 am

“Next thing you know, your father found his huggy, but it wasn’t for his beer, if you know what I mean.” … made me spit out my lunch.


Leo July 22, 2009 at 4:03 am

Wtf. My dad did this. I entered my parents bedroom to ask for something. My dad was fixing his tie for work then out of the blue he said “Did you know how your mom and I made you? I inserted my – ”
My mom had to cut him off.


kitty August 4, 2009 at 7:19 am

My name is Jessica. I will never make eye contact with my parents again.

Or get into Mum’s boyfriends honda civic again. (She drives, it’s not as dodge as that sounds)


I hate you FKW <3


Kidgarbage February 26, 2010 at 12:26 pm

I told my duaghter that she has a reading problem because I was totally drunk when she was conceived. Also proving that alcohol is not a reliable form of birth control.


Cat March 18, 2010 at 7:55 am

Are you my dad??


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