Rule #47: Hire a Bully to Toughen Up Your Kid

in Rules of Parenting

This kid is ready. Is yours?

This kid is ready. Is yours?

Generally speaking, kids these days are gigantic wimps.

They no longer run at recess; they wear helmets for everything; and they even insist on using a local anesthesia for mild bone fractures.

It’s safe to say that they’re not making ‘em like they used to, and your kid is no exception.

At first, you may think it’s cute that little Adam cries during “Beauty and the Beast,” and you may find it endearing when he holds your hand as you cross the street (in public, no less), and you may even melt when he cuddles into bed with you after a scary dream.

But really, you’re just fattening the calf in preparation for social slaughter.

Which is exactly why you should save your child future humiliation by injecting a little trauma into his life now by hiring a bully to toughen him up. Above all, you’ll:

Do your part to help the economy

How sick are you of feeling helpless every time you hear about the skyrocketing unemployment rate? Well, don’t just sit there—do something about it.

There are thousands of out-of-work bullies looking to make a few bucks. With supply at an all-time high, you can even afford to be picky. Get a part-time bully who focuses specifically on your child’s primary flaw: Whether it’s a slight lisp or stutter to a blatant lazy-eye, there are bullies who specialize in all niches of shortcomings. There’s a rich and bountiful market of bullies out there who will meet your needs by picking on your child’s every flaw.

Make you and your spouse seem bearable

For those of you who can't read, this says 'Nerds Only.'

For those of you who can't read, this says 'Nerds Only.'

As he gets older, you notice that your son seems to be walking further away from you and your spouse when you’re out in public. In fact, it seems that little Jimmy is embarrassed to be with you.

Naturally, this is infuriating, as you’ve carved out quite a spoiled existence for the little brat and—despite his overbite and acne—little Jimmy has it pretty good.

As a good parent, you want to remind him of this, and because you can’t stand breaking his heart directly, you need someone else to rub his face in the dog shit of those greener pastures.

So get a bully to pants him at the bus-stop each morning, or have a thug on hand to finish each one of Jimmy’s sentences with “and then I made out with a guy.” You’ll be seeing a lot more of Jimmy on Friday nights (and well into his thirties).

Prepare your child for the real world

When young Amanda screws up at her first full-time job after college, her boss will most likely come down on her with pent-up wrath. In many cases, this could crush a young woman’s soul, ego and budding career before it starts. Now imagine if you hired a personal bully to taunt Amanda for her starter mustache—or maybe even throw eggs at her minutes before junior prom.

Armed with lowered expectations, shattered dreams and broken confidence, Amanda probably won’t even notice the demoralizing banter bestowed upon her from her first boss—which could either be the result of a calloused soul…or her lazy eye.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

marymac April 16, 2009 at 11:41 am



SillyDad April 16, 2009 at 11:52 am

I have been bullied my entire life and it’s made me practically indestructible. I can go months without leaving the house, I’m able to find the best places to hide whenever I go out to eat and I can withstand a 3rd degree “native american” burn without flinching. Bullies made me the man I am today. “shhh! Did you hear that?”

Quick question, how rich do you have to be to be able to cross the street in the privacy of your own home?


jason April 16, 2009 at 12:34 pm

quote of the year, right here: “But really, you’re just fattening the calf in preparation for social slaughter”

in other words, keep allowing your kid to be a whiny bitch, and then when they get to the real world, they’ll really have it coming.


Father Knows Worst April 16, 2009 at 12:41 pm

@marymac: That was awfully kind of you. I’ve never had a poem written for me before. I mean, it was a short poem, and it didn’t rhyme, but it was definitely a poem, right?

@SillyDad: Ah yes, reminiscent of the old saying “whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you hide on the Internet.” I am a fervent subscriber to that theory. And, uh, yeah, I’m not even sure Bill Gates has his own private road to cross. But knowing what a huge nerd he is, his kid probably lags waaay behind.

@jason: I thought you’d like that one. Sicko. (Said entirely out of love.)


edie April 28, 2009 at 10:16 am

starter mustache. now that’s funny.


Apple July 16, 2009 at 11:59 pm

Thank you for proving my parents were the best parents EVAR! Hope I can keep the cycle moving forward!

Linked to you on my Search Engine Friday, hope you don’t mind the mindless one web hit you get from me. /cheers


Scott July 29, 2009 at 10:40 pm

Dude, this is THE FUNNIEST SHIT I’ve read in a long, LONG time. Thanks a million for the laughs!


Kelly November 4, 2010 at 8:48 am

@Jason: sorry dude. I disagree. “you need someone else to rub his face in the dog shit of those greener pastures.” – Gets MY vote.


Lol mommy February 7, 2011 at 7:59 am

We saved the expense of hiring a bully as my husband regularly walks up to our oldest son (he’s 7!) and will body slam him onto the couch, bed, whatever surface is available! He also ties him up like a calf that has been roped on a semi regular basis just to see if he can get out of it! At that he is also learning problem solving!


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