Rule #47: Hire a Bully to Toughen Up Your Kid

This kid is ready. Is yours?

Generally speaking, kids these days are gigantic wimps.

They no longer run at recess; they wear helmets for everything; and they even insist on using a local anesthesia for mild bone fractures.

It’s safe to say that they’re not making ‘em like they used to, and your kid is no exception.

At first, you may think it’s cute that little Adam cries during “Beauty and the Beast,” and you may find it endearing when he holds your hand as you cross the street (in public, no less), and you may even melt when he cuddles into bed with you after a scary dream.

But really, you’re just fattening the calf in preparation for social slaughter.

Which is exactly why you should save your child future humiliation by injecting a little trauma into his life now by hiring a bully to toughen him up. Above all, you’ll:

Do your part to help the economy

How sick are you of feeling helpless every time you hear about the skyrocketing unemployment rate? Well, don’t just sit there—do something about it.

There are thousands of out-of-work bullies looking to make a few bucks. With supply at an all-time high, you can even afford to be picky. Get a part-time bully who focuses specifically on your child’s primary flaw: Whether it’s a slight lisp or stutter to a blatant lazy-eye, there are bullies who specialize in all niches of shortcomings. There’s a rich and bountiful market of bullies out there who will meet your needs by picking on your child’s every flaw.

Make you and your spouse seem bearable

For those of you who can't read, this says 'Nerds Only.'

As he gets older, you notice that your son seems to be walking further away from you and your spouse when you’re out in public. In fact, it seems that little Jimmy is embarrassed to be with you.

Naturally, this is infuriating, as you’ve carved out quite a spoiled existence for the little brat and—despite his overbite and acne—little Jimmy has it pretty good.

As a good parent, you want to remind him of this, and because you can’t stand breaking his heart directly, you need someone else to rub his face in the dog shit of those greener pastures.

So get a bully to pants him at the bus-stop each morning, or have a thug on hand to finish each one of Jimmy’s sentences with “and then I made out with a guy.” You’ll be seeing a lot more of Jimmy on Friday nights (and well into his thirties).

Prepare your child for the real world

When young Amanda screws up at her first full-time job after college, her boss will most likely come down on her with pent-up wrath. In many cases, this could crush a young woman’s soul, ego and budding career before it starts. Now imagine if you hired a personal bully to taunt Amanda for her starter mustache—or maybe even throw eggs at her minutes before junior prom.

Armed with lowered expectations, shattered dreams and broken confidence, Amanda probably won’t even notice the demoralizing banter bestowed upon her from her first boss—which could either be the result of a calloused soul…or her lazy eye.

Tagged as: embarrassing your child, scaring your kid shitless, scarring children's memories