Rule #42: Teach Your Son Slang for His Wang

In the art of using slang, you consider yourself to be a young, squinty Clint Eastwood. Unfortunately, your son is the equivalent of the stammering Peter Pan.

Obviously, this social ineptitude causes your already goofy child to face the struggle of being accepted by his peers, talking to girls, and being manly in general.

That’s why it’s important to arm your son with an arsenal of private-part slang for his Mr. Jiggle, which will help him…

Deal with emergencies

It’s no secret that chimps have gotten a bad rap lately, what with all the maiming that’s been pinned on the species. In short, everyone is on edge when it comes to monkeys.

So when your son goes on a field trip to the zoo and his class is touring the primate house, his teacher and classmates will be relieved—and his teacher will be assured of his safety—when he grabs his member and declares, “Miss Clayton, my monkey is going on the attack and, oh, it’s going to be ugly—where are the bathrooms?”

Laughter will ensure ensue*. All will be right in the world, knowing that your son’s monkey is perfectly tame, albeit a little ornery from time to time.

Improve communication

When your Johnson itches, and you want to express your frustration, you typically say something like, “My goodness, my Johnson is bothering me, and this itching might cause me to drink earlier today than usual.”

Which is a cue to your spouse, who is most definitely not enamored of your Johnson at the moment, to run out to Walgreen’s and buy powder, tonic, or salve to soothe and otherwise alleviate your affliction. Problem solved.

If you hadn’t used the right terminology, your spouse may have been confused. (If you’d referred to your Johnson as “Big Ed and the Twins,” she wouldn’t have known whether the malady is with Big Ed or the Twins. Clarity is extremely important here.)

The same logic applies—in a more profound way��to your son, who isn’t nearly as expressive or well versed in slang names for his private body parts.

Create harmony with other cultures

Your son will undoubtedly encounter scores of interesting nationalities in school and during extracurricular activities. These people will sometimes confuse him, but they all speak a common language when it comes to their boy.

When chatting with European exchange students at his school, he should refer to his member as his “Eiffel Tower,” “Big Ben,” or “Cuckoo Clock of Love.” These sophisticated students will quickly acknowledge that their new American friend respects and understands their culture.

And for other cultures, your son can simply toss out names for his member when he thinks it might apply. Favorites include: “Angry Samoan,” “One-Eyed Python,” “Nile River Stick,” and “Shalong”…when he thinks he’s talking to kids who are Indian, Middle Eastern or something pretty damn close.

Pick up babes

For young teens, it’s no secret that girls are impressed when boys are confident enough to talk about their members casually, as if they’re chatting about the weather or cereal.

They’re even more impressed when your son leavens an otherwise awkward first date by joking about his “Ankle Spanker, “Lap Rocket” or “Bishop in a Turtleneck.” By using these colloquialisms, your son shows that he’s “not putting on airs” in front of a young woman, which she will respect immensely.

And if he doesn’t get a second date, it’ll just give him way more quality time with Mr. Jiggle.

Tagged as: confusing teens about sex, scarring children's memories