Rule #38: Tell Your Kids the End Is Near

in Rules of Parenting

And you thought your kids were embarrassed when you wore a fanny pack...

And you thought your kids were embarrassed when you wore your fanny pack...

Everyone is going to die, and some of us are going to do it while in various stages of undress with hookers who don’t know CPR.

Which means that, even if you figure you’ve got another 30 to 40 years to kick around, the countdown begins right about now—and you might as well share this general sense of gnawing trepidation with your children.

The sooner they realize the end is near—not only for them, but also for our species and the planet—the better. It’s an outstanding disciplinary tool, and it sets expectations so low that you can absolve yourself from the hard work and responsibility of raising helpful and productive children.

The Why-Bother Approach to Parenting

It’s important for children to know that wholesome activities such as push-ups, studying, flossing, and helping the elderly cross the street are complete wastes of time due to the inconvenience of death and/or Armageddon, which means they’ll lower the bar for everything else in their lives.

Even if you can’t be sure the end is near, hedge your bets and talk about it constantly. You’ll notice that a weight will be lifted off of you and your kids. Consider these dialogue exercises when stooping low:

“Daddy, daddy, I got an A in science!”

Unless you got an 'A' in 'Stopping God's Rath' you're gonna have to find someone else to impress, kid.

Unless you got an 'A' in 'Stopping God's Rath' you're gonna have to find someone else to impress, kid.

You: “Really? An A? In science? Congratulations, you’re officially worthless.”

“Tell me what good an ‘A in science’ is gonna do when the pestilence comes. If modern scientists really are the miracle workers the wimpy media makes them out to be, then why hasn’t anybody come up with a cure for my raging Level 5 hemorrhoids or this terminal toenail fungus?”

“If science can’t cure the common cold then it’s got no shot against flesh-eating parasites.”

“Mommy, I really like this boy at school.”

You: “Sure you do, Christina. But that’s because you’re hormonal and an emotional dumbass. Your body is going to start telling you to do all these funny things, and your brain is stupid enough to listen. You’ll only end up pregnant – and did you know that 1 out of every 3 pregnancies results in death from childbirth? You know, the women of this family are very, very fertile.”

“Daddy, I wanna be just like you when I grow up.”

You: “Son, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard since your brother joined the Peace Corps. First of all, you’re not half the man I am, thanks to your mother’s genes, and second, there’s no way this planet is going to last another 20 years, thanks to Global Warming, so you won’t even have a chance to prove me right.”

“Now wrap your head in this aluminum foil, I heard there was a UFO sighting in Wichita this morning.”

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

jason March 6, 2009 at 7:49 am

what kind of hooker doesn’t know CPR?


Father Knows Worst March 9, 2009 at 9:59 am

@jason: Are you really asking “What type of hooker doesn’t know how to blow…” Never mind.


jason March 9, 2009 at 10:02 am

seriously! they know how to blow and now all they need to learn is how to press down on chests. (looking for joke to insert…)


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