Rule #36: Invent New Forms of Birth Control

The banana-method of Sex Ed will only lead to more confusion and possibly UTIs.

The banana-method of Sex Ed will only lead to more confusion and possibly UTIs.

Talking to your teenagers is awkward enough—so the prospect of talking to them about practicing safe sex is the conversational equivalent of slowly filling a room with man-made gas.

Naturally, you have others offering their help. The health teacher at your child’s school, for example, gives demonstrations involving a not-quite-ripe banana—and the ladies at church preach abstinence, but these misguided attempts will yield few, if any, positive results.

Which is why you should take matters into your own hands and create new forms of birth control.

Going Old School

Birth control is incredibly confusing to use and way overpriced, and again, you just shouldn’t talk about it with your children.

Instead, consider these proven methodologies to keeping unwanted pregnancies in the bellies of careless members of the girl’s dance team and the hippie-looking girl who was sleeping with the chemistry teacher:

Hey, what’s that smell?

It’s one of the oldest tricks in the book and completely deflates your teen’s bubbling libido by using his own sweaty body against him: Deprive him of deodorant.

As young Josh careens through puberty, his sweaty armpits will become…sweatier, and his need for a solid antiperspirant will present itself in the form of heart-stopping body odor.

Without a powerful antidote, his own landfill-like stench will prevent him from getting close enough to even think about kissing a girl (and eventually planting a seed).

Is that a chastity belt, or are you just happy to see me?

Uncomfortable? You bet. Rash-inducing? Maybe. Tetanus shot needed? Probably. Pregnant daughter? No shot.

Uncomfortable? You bet. Rash-inducing? Maybe. Tetanus shot needed? Probably. Pregnant daughter? No shot.

If you thought chastity belts went out of style with tunics and the feudal system, you’re missing out on one of the most effective forms of birth control still in use (well, with some minor modifications).

Let your daughter choose between her favorite species of wood and customize her chastity belt with sequins and stickers. (Involving her with the selection process will make it easier when it’s time to “lock up.”) She may whine that the contraption is uncomfortable, but you can calmly explain to her that it’s a lot more comfortable than having to spoon-feed her love child chopped party wieners with a breast-milk chaser while on a smoking break from her part-time job at Taco Bell.

The Proactiv commercials have nothing on your kid

When your child is in his 20s and 30s, his body will become a source of great disappointment to himself and, most likely, a well of disgust for loved ones and strangers. Since things are going to fall apart anyway, why not get the ball rolling down the greasy hill of body dilapidation now?

Are zits a problem for your son or daughter? Don’t even think about buying an acne prescription or tube of Clearasil. Does your kid need braces? Let the twisted fangs take root. Does your son’s hair look like it belongs on a troll? Don’t bother with a fancy cut; in fact, cut it at home and use your favorite bowl as a guide.

Sure, your child’s personal appearance and self-esteem may suffer a bit, but she’ll thank you for it later—especially when she has zero chance of getting married, much less pregnant.


  1. jason says:

    there’s always encouraging homosexuality. that never leads to pregnancy, but you may have to pony up some cash for dance lessons.

  2. Thanks for the ideas. I’m thinking of also denying my daughter basic oral hygiene…no toothbrush = no kissing = no sex = no babies.

  3. shopdoc says:

    Extra fiber in their diets. And mineral oil. With a pinch of Ex Lax. Nothing says I’m not in the mood like a nonstop case of the runs. Plus they’ll be clean as a whistle!

  4. edie says:

    omg, i can’t wait to “bedazzle” my daughter’s chastity belt.
    and my husband said that thing was a “waste of f*cking money.”
    who’s the monkey now???

  5. @jason @mothershaffer @shopdoc: Those are brilliant additions to the rule. Think of what a sexless mess this kid would be: No deodorant, shitty breath, pooping non-stop through the chastity belt and covered in acne. Oh yeah, and gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    @edie: Just be careful it’s not too snazzy. You don’t want her to go around showing it off. There are too many aspiring locksmiths on the loose.

  6. kitty says:



    (no seriously, I just peed myself)


  1. [...] Birth control for everyone under the age of 21: Birth control costs between $20-50/month. The cost of raising a child ranges from $120-$250K (for the first 17 years at least). Not a big fan of the pill? Check out these other suggested forms of birth control. [...]

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