Rule #35: Employ Sexy Displays of Public Affection

Seeing this is on no one's Bucket List.

Seeing this is on no one's Bucket List.

Your sexual urges are the moldy masts on your sailboat of life. They carry you into waters that seem appropriate and perfectly fine when intoxicated by alcohol and delusion.

It’s what makes you think to yourself, “Everyone in the world wants to see me vigorously rub the lower, bulging quadrant of my wife’s ass while we’re standing in line at Dunkin Donuts deciding between French crullers and glazed fritters.”

This public display of affection reveals how strong your marriage is, as well as the incredibly classy standards you’ve propped up for yourself.

And children can’t get enough of seeing their parents commit to overzealous rubbing, kissing, and canoodling. Child-development research shows, for example, that 12-year-old kids rank seeing their parents “make out with tongue” slightly ahead of “being trapped in a sinking car” and “getting shit on by an angry camel.”

Which is exactly why you and your spouse should display affection, publicly, and perhaps most important, in front of your kids.

Have Libido, Will Travel

Boundaries aren’t all that important to you, nor should they be when it comes to letting your spousal love flow. Kids look to their parents as role models for most things in life, so why shouldn’t your messy fumbling and ill-timed flesh grabbing influence them, too?

Above all, they’ll appreciate your pedal-to-the-metal libido, especially in these situations:

When you’ve got one hand in his pocket…

Some coquettish women prefer to hold hands when they walk with their husbands, but these ice queens aren’t sending the right messages of the heavy love they have for their men—especially in front of their children and random passersby. Instead, show how much you adore your husband and his bulbous flank by shoving your hand in his back pocket and letting it ride the tide of flesh with every step he takes.

This technique is especially effective when you want to avoid shaking hands with other people, or when you need to reject a Salvation Army volunteer asking for money. You can say something like, “Hey, I’d love to help, but as you can clearly see, my hand has a higher calling right now, even though it’s fallen asleep…”

When measuring the fine line between hugging and humping…

There are some things that nobody wants. Even when you're giving them away.

There are some things that nobody wants. Even when you're giving them away.

You’re a big, happy affectionate bear of a man who enjoys hugging. Problem is, you’ve never really learned the difference between pulling your spouse close for a warm embrace and pulling her close in order to feel her breastbone and quite possibly have sex while fully clothed. That’s a distinction that girly-men have to worry about. Not you.

When you hug, you want everyone to know you mean business. And if the children flee in embarrassment when you dive in for a morning or evening hug around the family hearth, well, so be it. You’re a hugger and lover, damn it, and it’s about time the rest of the world understands—and learns a little something.

When your kids’ friends are over for dinner…

There’s nothing your child would like to brag to his friends about more than how in love you and your spouse are, so when your child’s friends are over for dinner, for example, nibble your husband’s knuckles during most of the meal and say things like, “No matter how good this pot roast is, there’s no way it’s tastier than you, my amazing lover.”

Your children will swell with pride about your relationship, and their friends might spread news of these lessons of love back to their families—and all over town.

Which, come to think of it, might explain why you don’t get invited to many places these days.


  1. jason says:

    “Seeing this is on no one’s Bucket List.” Ok now that’s funny.

  2. kevin says:

    as a good parent, i would definitely announce to my kids every time their mom gives me a boner

  3. Still Blushing says:

    this is bringing back memories of my 9th birthday slumber party. my parent’s made pancakes the next morning and then went upstairs for a little midmorning delight while everyone rolled up their sleeping bags. i really can’t go on with this story….

  4. fall from grace says:

    There’s nothing wrong with spooning & playfully petting on the family room couch while the kiddos & their friends are playing wii. It’s your house and it’s good clean fun for all. Everyone scores!

    I get so randy whenever the hubby dons his t-shirt with the pinata graphic and the words “I’d Hit That.” It just shows our progeny (and the rest of the world) that the passion in our relationship is still alive. I really love that man!

  5. Marilyn_Res says:

    It didn’t seem to bother Walker and Texas Ranger when their dad Ricky Bobby referred to their mother as a “red hot smokin’ mom” during the famous Baby Jesus prayer in Talladega Nights:

  6. edie says:

    “ride the tide of flesh with every step he takes” … isn’t that a Police song?

  7. kitty says:

    12-year-old kids rank seeing their parents “make out with tongue” slightly ahead of “being trapped in a sinking car” and “getting shit on by an angry camel.”

    I think I just weed myself a little.

  8. kitty says:

    hmm. actually, this reminds me of when I was twelve. I was reading in bed one night and my parents were watching a movie in their room, it seemed to be really loud, it sounded like war or something. I thought it must have been ‘Saving Private Ryan’ or something.

    I know mom was big on that movie.

    So anyway, I wondered down the hall to where their door was open slightly, nudged it open to say ‘turn it down’, … no privates were being saved, I assure you. I silently pulled the door back to it’s former position, went back to my room, curled up in the fetal position on my bed and that’s the last thing I remember.

    I feel a lot better getting that off my chest… BRING OUT THE ANGRY CAMEL.

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