Rule #29: Confuse Your Teen About Sex

in Rules of Parenting

If they don't know what to do, they won't bother trying. Or they'll stop in the middle and get hit by a car.

If they don't know what to do, they won't bother trying. Or they'll stop in the middle and get hit by a car.

Sex and teenagers simply don’t mix, nor does honesty when it comes to you explaining the finer points of doing the deed.

No matter what you say—or how you say it—you’ll never get it right, and you’ll wind up sounding like a cross between Dr. Phil and the guy from the Sham-Wow infomercial.

That’s why it’s important to pass along sex-related information that’s simple and entirely untrue.

Knocked Up? Hey, It’s Not Your Fault

Naturally, there are high-minded and pompous “information dispensers” out there who believe that giving your teens the skinny on birth control will keep them from making mistakes that could alter their young lives.

But if you hand the keys to your vintage Ford Escort to your teenager, and then say, “Katherine, we’re going out of town for the weekend, so just rev up the Escort’s engine a couple times a day, but don’t you dare leave the driveway,” there’s a good chance she’s going to drive that baby all night long. The same thing will happen if your give your teenager the “keys” to contraception while you’re away—and it’ll probably happen in your bed on top of the new duvet comforter.

We recommend extremely rotund lies when it comes to teen sex, which will render your child confused, disgusted, or irrationally frightened:

Pass along the legend of the magical hambone…

Many teenage girls will find themselves in awkward “heavy petting” scenarios with a legion of male paramours. This is normal. However, these petting sessions naturally produce an urgent rigidity in boys.

To stem your daughter’s curiosity and keep the rigidity at bay, you should let her know that American teenage boys are required by law in most states to store hambones in their trousers, which are later used in soups for the homeless. So, in essence, if anyone disturbs the hambone, it’s like swiping a meal from a homeless family. Could she live with that much guilt?

Push the verbal condom…

Prophylactics are shamelessly handed out like sexual Tootsie Rolls to teenagers, and most of them will be fumbled and employed in the backseats of Ford Escorts and permanently damage your faux-leather upholstery.

To keep your teenage son from heading down this unseemly road, teach him the so-called verbal-condom method. That’s right, any time your son feels certain normal urges with his girlfriend, he should utter “flattering” phrases to seal the deal. Work with him to memorize and utter these time-honored lines when the moment is just right. He’ll thank you later:

“Your breath smells good, like hot-dog water or something.”

“I really like the golden ear-wax buildup you’re accumulating. It looks like honey!”

“I wish I could grow a mustache that thick.”

“The hair on your arms doesn’t look nearly as thick when the lights are low. That’s cool.”

Make them think of you…

Family: The anti-aphrodisiac.

Family: The anti-aphrodisiac.

Nothing can throw a bucket of cold water on a budding teen libido faster than the thought of you and your spouse wearing matching birthday suits. Frankly, it disgusts them, and they fear it more than the idea of Satan giving them their next physical.

So, casually say to your teenager something like, “You know, Bobby, I realize you’re going to find yourself in awkward, sweaty positions with your girlfriend. But before things get all pretzel-like, I want you to promise me one thing:

Think of your mother and I in the same situation, in fact, mention to Jennifer how you really wish we were there to help you celebrate such a magical moment. If you want, you can even call us from your cell phone and put it on speaker phone. It’s a family tradition and there’s no way Jennifer won’t understand. Now, run along and remember to have a good time with your girlfriend.”

And you won’t even have to steam-clean your Escort in the morning.

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Rachel January 28, 2009 at 12:03 pm

be sure to explain to kids how you can still stay a virgin AND have sex. that’s not confusing at all.


jason January 28, 2009 at 12:15 pm

hot-dog water. disgusting. (pukes)


Susan January 28, 2009 at 12:20 pm

Always cracks me up. As the parent of a teen, I’ll be sure to employ the parent visualization techniques.


Renée aka Mekhismom January 28, 2009 at 1:28 pm

I agree with Susan that parent visualization technique sounds like a winner. OH the Horror!


Tara January 28, 2009 at 1:35 pm

honey earwax? hilarious, i’ll bookmark this for when my son hits those teen years:)


ParentingPink January 28, 2009 at 4:48 pm

OMG! I can’t stop laughing! Found your blog via “Stumble” and will have to come back to see what other kinds of “bad” parenting advice I can give my young daughters! LOL


Doug January 28, 2009 at 6:35 pm

With three teens myself(single dad) two girls 1 boy, I love your advice….Strategy for the dysfunctional parent is a topic I relate to well. :-)


Shell January 28, 2009 at 8:56 pm

What kind of soup??


Father Knows Worst January 28, 2009 at 10:06 pm

@Shell: Cream of Sumyungguy, I think.

@Susan & Renee: Speaking from experience. It works.


Kristin T. (@kt_writes) January 29, 2009 at 10:38 am

It took me a long while to recover from the “cross between Dr. Phil and the guy from the Sham-Wow infomercial” image. Perfect.


marty allen January 29, 2009 at 2:28 pm

Do these gems apply to those driving Dusters or Valiants? Maybe a little steam in the backseat would help these muscle cars achieve sufficient operating temperatures


Father Knows Worst January 29, 2009 at 4:30 pm

@Kristin T.: Imagine what their child would look like. (Pauses for body-shiver).

@Tara: Don’t let the sexy name fool you: Honey earwax is not as tasty as it sounds.


edie January 29, 2009 at 7:45 pm

i am oddly infatuated with the sham wow guy.


Rod Blagojevich January 29, 2009 at 9:35 pm

I think this is just like Rod Blagoyevich. It stinks. It hit the nail on the head. It caused methane releases.


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