Rule #25: Be a Breastfeeding Superhero

in Rules of Parenting

This child is literally going blind. Why? His milk comes from a cup instead of a boob.

This child is literally going blind. Why? His milk comes from a cup instead of a boob.

You are blessed with vessels of milky love that give, unendingly, like Saudi oil fields.

You know this, of course, and you cannot understand why others aren’t as militantly into breastfeeding as you are. It has always been easy for you, and you’ve read all the literature about how it’s the right thing to do, so why don’t others follow you to the Milky Mountains?

You see their children, mouths agape with chubby faces from being force-fed baby formula and solid food, and you think it would be a better world—a perfect world—if you could lecture them about the glory and righteousness of breastfeeding.

Milk. It Does Everybody Good.

We all want a healthier and smarter generation of children, which is why it’s important for you to selflessly dedicate your life to being an advocate for breastfeeding to friends, neighbors, and the bedraggled woman with eight kids at Wal-Mart and everyone in between. Here are some easy ways to get your crusade flowing:

Breastfeed anytime, anywhere.

It’s natural, so do it. Give a tour of Mount Squirty when you’re in line at Best Buy, in between pancakes at the local IHOP, and while you’re waiting at the DMV. No one will think it’s awkward. Well, at least no one will tell you it’s awkward. They’ll probably just throw up a little bit in their mouth.

Breastfeed other people’s children.

Why buy the world a Coke when you can bottle and serve them your breastmilk?

Why buy the world a Coke when you can bottle and serve them your breastmilk?

Most moms bring in Juicy Juice for their child’s preschool classroom brimming with 3 and 4 year olds, but you can offer the real goods. That’s right, after the finger paints have been stowed and the graham crackers devoured, suggest to your child’s teacher that each pupil take a little trip to the Milky Mountains.

It will deliver the nutritional salvation you know each child needs, show your son or daughter that you’re really into “giving back” to the community, and prove, once again, that where there’s thirst, there’s a willing boob.

Breastfeed your child into his teen years.

Everyone knows that as kids get more indepdent they start making their own decisions—and these decisions will include living off of Slim Jims for weeks and mainlining Red Bull. A healthy diet leads to a healthy brain, and as a superhero breastfeeding parent, you know this.

So have your child breastfeed into his teen years so you can ensure that, despite all the damage he’ll do to his body, he’ll still be getting a stream of healthy nurishment in his diet. Oh, and don’t worry about his friends teasing him because he’s never been to second base. They’ll be busy teasing him about some other—shall we say, larger—things.

{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Lindsay January 14, 2009 at 7:04 am

I can’t stand the boob nazis! They’re my boobies and I DO WHAT I WANT WITH ‘DEM!
Excellent post! :)


jason January 14, 2009 at 7:52 am

I’m all for breasts being bared in public. But it’s a real buzz kill when there is an infant attached at the mouth.


Rachel January 14, 2009 at 8:01 am

i really wish you’d brought up male wet nurses. or simply dads who breast feed. I know there’s one in the UK. (of course it’s a british dude). my fave topic. but back to the topic at hand: it is interesting though that parents would rather have their kids drink from a cow’s squirty titty than their own.


Shell January 14, 2009 at 8:53 am

I breastfed for about 1 minute before deciding this wasn’t going to work for me. Tried to pump with that archaic machine, but that was similarly disastrous, leaving about a drop of milk in the bottle and my nipples so long I could jump rope with them. How’s that for a pretty visual? :) I’m all for going blind. Am I going to get La leche hate mail now?


Annie @ PhD in Parenting January 14, 2009 at 9:25 am

I probably qualify as a militant breastfeeder in a lot of circles, but it isn’t because it was easy for me. In fact, I became militant about it because it was difficult for me and I made it work.

My story is here:

That said, I support every woman’s right to make her own choice. My activism as it relates to breastfeeding involves dispelling myths about breastfeeding and helping moms to get the support they need if they want to breastfeed. If someone doesn’t want to, that’s fine too.


Jessica (from It's my life...) January 14, 2009 at 9:31 am

Great post. I had such a terrible time breastfeeding my first and I ended up pumping for 10 (yes TEN) months and every single nasty side glance or condemning look when I bottle fed her killed me a little more. It breaks my heart that I couldn’t breastfeed my kids until college. heh.


Kristie January 14, 2009 at 9:36 am

Jessica, I don’t think you can win either way. I’ve had three kids. 2 could never latch, and I pumped for 14 months between the two of them. With those two, I endured stares for bottle feeding. With my son, I get stares for breastfeeding. My take away from all three experiences?? You just aren’t supposed to feed an infant in public, period! No matter how you do it, you piss someone off!! ;)



Father Knows Worst January 14, 2009 at 11:59 am

@Linday: You’re damn right. Take ownership of the sistas!

@Jason: What you’ve described is the epitome of a let-down. Unless, you know, you’re into that kinky shit.

@Rachel: Amen. We unquestioningly guzzle from strange sources.

@Shell: We’ve got your back . We ain’t afraid of no La Leche.

@Annie: So that’s how you earned your PhD in parenting. (Still working on the G.E.D. here.)

@Jessica: You prefer milk. They prefer hater-ade. Bottoms up!

@Kristie: You’re right. It’s a damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don’t scenario. But, as they say, it’s better to be pissed off than…squirted on.


Elita January 14, 2009 at 12:27 pm

I get the joke, but honestly, what is wrong with breastfeeding any time, anywhere? I wouldn’t expect a formula feeding parent to not feed a baby who is hungry, regardless of where you are. Just because you are breastfeeding doesn’t mean you should lock yourself away in the house until the kid is weaned for fear of having to nurse in public. When I see a woman giving her baby a bottle I try not to judge because I have no idea what is in the bottle or why she is bottle feeding. I am a militant breastfeeder, but I had to supplement with formula, too when I returned to work. At the end of the day, breastfeeding is what’s best for baby, but if you can’t (or don’t want to) to do it, luckily there’s a fairly safe alternative in formula.


Sarcastica January 23, 2009 at 11:12 am

Haha lol! Mental image of some chick trying to breastfeed the entire kindergarten class and the response of the other parents BAHHAA


Julie January 27, 2009 at 3:17 pm

If your breasts are dripping with extra milk, why not put that in sippy cups and give some of your milk to all the kindergartners. The medium chain fatty acids in breast milk are divine for everyone, not just one’s own child! (Sound ridiculous? What about drinking other animal milks??)
Kidding aside, my sis often drank my breast milk if I was with her and not my child. It killed her to see me “pump and dump” that precious gold!
I breastfed one child for 2 years and the other for 3 1/2 years. For all mothers, can’t we all just agree with the mother doing it whatever way works best for her and her family???!


sarah February 18, 2009 at 2:58 am

I love this Rule! I am a breasfeeding mommy and though it’s tough at times, it has its enjoyable moments too. Problem with us women is that we hate on each other for nearly every choice we make in life, ESPECIALLY if its different than the ones we ourselves have made. Every day my husband comes home from work and he asks: How did the day go? I respond with: She’s alive and kicking, right? I’d say it went well. Breastfed or not, as long as their eating…they’re gonna be okay. I wasn’t breastfed and I didn’t turn out to be a brain-dead zombie with a low IQ and unibomber-esque social skills. Much bigger things to worry about when it comes to raising kids–like how to bring them up with a sense of accountability and acceptance of the fact that they indeed are not the axis on which the world spins round…


Breeder March 6, 2009 at 10:00 am

” it is interesting though that parents would rather have their kids drink from a cow’s squirty titty than their own.”

Racheal, I’ve always wondered the same thing. Like who was the guy who looked a cow udder and thought, “I’m gonna drink out of whatever comes out of those.”

I’m all about choice. I breastfeed my baby when he’s hungry and ignore the side eyes of others.


Bailey February 13, 2010 at 11:06 pm

I love it! Don’t forget to take each and every new or expectant mother you know (or meet for the first time, or see in the grocery store) and give them the litany of how breastfeeding with make their child smarter, stronger, give them a greater ability for telepathic powers, and less likely to go bald later in life.

I nursed for 3 months. Then, I was done. He got the goods, and then I got to sleep once in awhile since Daddy could feed the little guy, too. My sister and I call the boob-nazi’s the La Leche League Boob Worshipers… very big cult these days. I don’t drink the kool-aide!


inerlogic July 22, 2010 at 8:01 am

be glad we drink milk from cows, and not women….
that’s the reason you’re not locked up in a dairy barn somewhere wallowing in your own manure….


karen August 3, 2010 at 7:54 am

Dang, I have broken Rule # 25 and 26 at the same time. I breast fed my son any time he was hungry and I did it in several bars. It was the only way he would see his father (my ex)! Besides my son’s needs come before what others think of me. High school is over and when you are an adult do you really give a shit what others think of you?

BTW, I was raised in Spain so I may have missed the USA’s weird puritanical view of nudity. What is it about women’s breasts? So what if a man or a woman is topless? The men here either think you are a whore or a virgin mother. Its just skin, people!! Get over it.


Marcy March 10, 2011 at 2:52 am

I guess I am a bad parent, then…

I will never (consciously) make anyone else feel bad about their baby feeding choices. Breastfeeding is great, and it’s also not for everyone. I don’t judge other moms for wanting to use formula instead.

But I very much do feed my baby anywhere, anytime, and I feel strongly about my right to do so.

I also really wish people would stop comparing Breastfeeding supporters (yes, even the bitchy ones who should know better than to lecture or make moms feel guilty) with a group of people who systematically murdered so many innocent people. C’mon, now.


Criss March 10, 2011 at 9:43 am

Call us Breastfeeding Bitches, if you want, but Nazis? Maybe you need a history lesson. Look up “genocide”; that might help, too.

(Now, Boob Worshippers? That one I like. I’m going to steal it, if you don’t mind.)

I breastfed my child in church last night. Sitting right there in the pew, third row. Once before the service started, and once during the sermon, because my kid was hungry. And, look! God didn’t strike me down with lightning or smite me with any sort of pox.


Jenny Howe March 19, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Of course the one benefit that goes completely unmentioned – breast feeding ( for all you are damned for it ) means NO WASHING UP !!! And no preparing food. When to wean – simple – as soon as the kids are old enough to do do the washing up ! Which is pretthy much whent they can stand up – or even done sitting up !! Of course weaning that young does mean you have to prepare food – but hey – your getting your own anyway ( for the time being)!!!!


Gabby March 25, 2011 at 11:50 am

Yeah, I totally rofled. The only problem I have is that I am a waitress for a fine dining (like the Merriott) restaurant and this lady decided to whip out a nasty tit to feed in front of my other customers. Do us all a favor (where there is served a $170 piece of veal) and don’t whip out your titties in the restaurant. Meet me out back! :)


BMW March 30, 2011 at 7:47 am

We had twins and my wife breatsfeed, but I had to nurse the other one as a pasifier. But when they turned 12 we quit because the hair on my chest kept getting caught in their teeth.


Leave a Comment

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: