Rule #14: Use Your Child’s Birthday to Flaunt Your Cash

Parents, it's YOUR party, and they'll cry if you want them to.

Parents, it's YOUR party, and they'll cry if you want them to.

Your child is astonishingly special. And because you’ve brought this child into the world, throwing a birthday party fit for anyone less than the Chosen One wouldn’t seem right. Even more important for you and your offspring’s ego is a party that absolutely squashes any celebration his friends might have.

Remember, this is less about making sure your child has a quality birthday than showing scores of other parents that you have the monetary and creative power to throw one hell of party—which makes their festive attempts look weak and puny by comparison (think Woodstock vs. a Baptism).

Spread the Money, Spread the Love

With moon-bounce rental and pricey trips for your kid’s entire classroom to Laser Tag Land, you’ve proved in the past that money can buy your child a pretty sweet birthday. But more is required. Much more. To get the desired effect of embarrassing your kids’ friends and their parents, you’ll also need to spread the love by making the gold-plated party both memorable and educational.

Kick some pony-riding ass.

You rented a bunch of ponies a few years ago, but now you can up the educational ante by having a dozen pregnant mares—one for each child—brought to your home to actually give birth to real, live ponies on your front lawn. The kids will be mesmerized, and you can explain the wonders of “artificial insemination” and the “reproductive cycle.” Sure, things might get messy, but have each child bring a bathing suit so they can be hosed down afterward. They’ll love it.

Introduce luxury pinatas.

Whacking a piñata brimming with candy has become a sugar-laced tradition at most birthday parties. But it’s so cliché, and all that sugar isn’t great for keeping the kids under control for the duration of the parties. Plus, who’s going to be impressed by a handful of Dum-Dums and Smarties? Instead of filling your piñata with assorted confections, cram it with iPhones (because their parents are too cheap), Rolex watches (it’s never too early to learn the skill of “pretentiousness”) and packets of organic caviar. As your guests munch on their fish eggs and try to figure out what time it is in China, they’ll marvel at your generosity and silently confirm that their social climbing was, in fact, worth it.

Go beyond run-of-the-mill entertainment.

Clowns are lame and a bit creepy. And so are you if you invite one to your kid's party.

Clowns are lame and a bit creepy. And so are you if you invite one to your kid's party.

Clowns are such, well…clowns. Jugglers and magicians are tiresome. Kids require much more mental stimulation these days, so consider hiring ex-convicts to regale your children with tales of crime and punishment. Former felons can teach all the impressionable youngsters about the inner workings of “loan sharking,” “con games,” “bribery” and fun little game known as “extortion.” For example, encourage the kids to play act with one another and use phrases such as “Hey, I’m going to off your little sister’s American Girl Doll if you don’t score me a Snickers. I need it bad, dude.”

Expensive? Maybe. Educational? Absolutely. Out-doing your kid’s friends and their lousy parties? You’re damn right.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Julie November 21, 2008 at 11:42 am

Bravo. When I was growing up, we had squat and I still felt like my parties were celebratory. We went through my mom’s Baker’s Cocunut Book of cakes, picked an animal and then listened to my mother curse and yell as she tried to assemble pieces of two round cakes, coconut, and food coloring into an elephant or a cat. We ate it at the picnic table with some friends, ran around, maybe played pin the tale on something or other and maybe did a craft project.

I am really looking forward to my kids’ next birthdays since we have a yard again. There will be cake (not homemade since I don’t want the swearing and the yelling), crafts, a game or two, running around, and fun.



Julie November 21, 2008 at 11:43 am

TAIL on the donkey. Sheesh. Good thing no one pays me to write. Oh yea! They do!


Father Knows Worst November 21, 2008 at 11:45 am

@Julie: At least it wasn’t “Pin the Hood Ornament on the Lexus” which is certainly gaining popularity in some pockets of society. You know, the uber-rich ones.


Lindsay November 21, 2008 at 2:42 pm

Absolutely priceless. You’ve done it again! :)


bloggingmom67 November 26, 2008 at 2:01 pm

Love your post … kids’ parties do seem like one parents effort to outdo the others, especially when the kids are so young they don’t even care. Fun reading.


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