Rule #13: Hit on Your Kid’s Teacher

The only proven method to improving your child's academic success is by hitting on his teacher. Swing away.

The only proven method to improving your child

Keep in mind that scholastic success starts at home – and with you. Your kid isn’t going to excel in school unless you get involved in his academic activities.

Sure, you could go over painfully pointless multiplication tables, forgettable history and verb conjugation, but who has the time or inclination for that kind of sacrifice? Besides, there are simpler and more direct methods to furthering his academic standing, like hitting on his teacher.

Despite What You’re Thinking, This IS a Good Idea

Face it — your kid’s teacher finds you repulsive and may turn you away (sometimes by force). But remember, we’re talking about your child, so somewhat ugly consequences are worth it. Using your swagger to better your child’s future is just the right thing to do. So how do you break down that silly barrier some call sexual harassment? With persistence, dedication and a willingness to go on field trips.

And while flirting with your child’s teacher paves the smoothest path to the Ivy Leagues, in the meantime it will demonstrate to your child these old-school values and life lessons:

Getting a woman naked requires hard work.

Subtlety is fine, but some lessons have to be direct. Try this: “I know Bobby’s flunking math, but it would help if we got together and ran a few numbers of our own, you know, and maybe talk about multiplying.” Or, “How can a fella get a little ‘extra credit’ around here, if you know what I mean?” Yes, undeniably smooth.

Restraining orders impact family togetherness.

Maybe you'll get put in jail, but your kid might get put in AP classes. Worth it? Absolutely.

You get placed in jail. Your kid gets placed in the advanced classes. We know a fair trade when we see one.

To play “hard-to-get”, your child’s teacher may obtain a restraining order against you. You can use this as a chance to expose him to interesting new words, like “court-ordered subpoena”, “fingerprinting”, “public defender”, and “house arrest”.

Public humiliation builds character.

Sure, your moves didn’t work, but the effort counts more than any significant jail time. And you’ll have a glowing illustration of “raked through the coals” to teach your child the concept of “metaphor.”

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Rachel November 20, 2008 at 7:48 am

this is nice and all, but what about moms who want to hit on male teachers? they need advice too!


BedsideTalesMan November 20, 2008 at 11:42 am

That would be a consideration….but our daughter’s teacher is…. well THAT AINT GONNA HAPPEN!

I love yor blog!


Father Knows Worst November 20, 2008 at 11:46 am

@Rachel: By simply showing up, you’re indicating to any male teacher that you are not only interested, but rearing to go. Any form of contact (from physical to “eye”) is considered “flirting” in the male kingdom.

@BedsideTalesMan: Hmm, have you looked into transferring to another school district with better looking teachers? You don’t want to have your child suffer just because the teacher happens to make you physically ill.


Mariah November 20, 2008 at 11:50 am

Love your blog… HILARIOUS!!


Maggie November 26, 2008 at 3:26 am

I actually know someone who’s mom had an affair with her 2nd grade teacher! The mom went in to see the teacher about a problem the girl was having, yada, yada. The kicker is that the mom, to this day, continues to tell her daughter that “if you hadn’t misbehaved, Mr. Teacher & I never would have gotten together.” The mom left her husband & married the teacher a year later…


Donna December 19, 2008 at 12:48 pm

On the flip side, I had a teacher that had an affair with his daughter’s best friend. She looked like Ruth Buzzy and he looked like Chaka, the tiny hairy monkeyman from 70s Saturday morning show, Land of the Lost. When it came out at the end of our senior year, she lost her best friend, he got divorced from his wife. The two of them are now married. Sordid.


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