Rule #106: Bring Beer to Back-to-School Night


Your future looks a hell of a lot brighter through beer goggles.

Let’s just get this out of the way: You have a tendency to do the wrong thing.

And there are very few opportunities in life to do something right, actually feel good about it, and get a nice buzz going at the same time.

Which is why it’s critical to bring a case of brew to your child’s back-to-school night.

First, you sort of know it’s mannerly to bring along a little something when you’re invited somewhere. Second, you also know these academic evenings can be as tedious as reading itself.

The process is as simple, and it’s similar to another academic standout: a college tailgate party. You mosey into the room (humble and smiling) with the bounty of beer tucked under one arm and a cold tall boy in your other hand…and that hand, naturally, is extended to your child’s teacher. It’s an offer of liquid sustenance, yes, but also a way of saying to her: “I come in peace. I come in a partying frame of mind. I come with another case in the minivan if you want to meet me out there after this horseshit evening ends…”

Then do what is proper and good and uniquely American: distribute those cheap ales to everyone around and expect nothing in return except respect for doing the right thing.

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