Rule #102: Force Kids to Wear Sunblock Indoors


Don't get too close to the window. Or the camera flash.

Let’s face it, the sun is Satan’s play toy.

With his ball of hell fire, the Evil One is able to create droughts, sizzle the new paint job on your Escalade, and coax nubile young women to wear bathing suits exposing lovely, sun-kissed soft skin parts that the dark demon wants the world to illicitly see.

And then there’s the issue of your children’s sensitive skin.

During the summer, you’ve done a great job of forcing them to wear long sleeves and floppy hats in the pool. But what about the harmful sun rays inside your house, reflecting off appliances and your white walls? Studies we sense are being conducted right now by grad students who’ve given up on finding cures for major affictions and human suffering will show that it’s important to slather on sunscreen indoors.

Your children might ask you why it’s necessary. For example, they might say, “But mommy, why is this necessary?” in which case you should rattle on about Satan and toxins and an overbearing socialist government and the debt crisis and the high cost of a perm and how your house cleaner Luci has leathery Satan skin and how it irritates you that Daddy spends a lot of time and attention showing Luci the many uses of a mop….

And by that point your children will simply give up and resign themselves to smelling like coconut cream all summer.

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  1. Anna says:

    But then they will be pale as a ghost and smell funny from the sun screen.

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