Rule #60: Pack Smokes in Your Child’s Lunch

in Rules of Parenting

Come on, you know the FDA won't call it nutritionally balanced without the cancer sticks.

How is your kid gonna survive on a diet like this? More cigarettes, please!

Remember those carefree days of your youth when long, semi-passionate drags on a Camel unfiltered cigarette during recess meant returning to the classroom with a slight buzz?

Those were such wonderfully innocent times—and so different from the overly watchful and “health-oriented” school systems most of our children are trapped in.

But smoking—particularly childhood puffing—is as American as tire slashing, random bullying and trespassing. So, when you’re packing little Monica’s boloney sandwich for lunch, slip her a little something extra (we’re thinking cool menthol) that will make her the idol of peers and the always cool custodial staff.

Nope, Monica Doesn’t Have Swine Flu…That’s Smoker’s Cough

Think about benefits of inserting a pack of smokes in your child’s lunch:

Relieves stress. Have you seen the “no child left behind” tests? They’re really challenging, like climbing four or five stairs in the morning. If Monica catches a smoke before and after testing, she’ll be more relaxed and, because of occasional bouts of emphysema, will miss more class days…which, naturally, translates to more missed tests and special treatment.

Serves as “trade bait” for highly coveted items. Every kid knows the custodial staff has cool stuff—for example, endangered bear claws, Danish cutlery and talcum powder—that kids want and need. A custodian’s one weakness? You got it: cigarettes. Your child can swap smokes for coveted items and learn the nuances of “bartering” and “crass exploitation.”

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

jason September 28, 2009 at 8:09 am

Not to mention, having your kids smoke will help them get jobs as actors, get in to college easier, and just be cool in general. Because, as everyone knows, smoking makes you look grown-up, cool and sophisticated.


zim September 28, 2009 at 8:31 am

cigarettes are good AND good for you!


Voice of Reason September 28, 2009 at 12:55 pm

Here’s another reason to pack some squares in your kid’s lunchbox. It’s a great bully deterrent. Because no bully will dare to mess with the kid who’s smoking a cigarette.


Vicki October 9, 2009 at 12:55 pm

And as we all know, menthol is great for a cold so pack some menthols in there! And don’t forget those little packs of snuff. They fit practically anywhere and make the perfect in class distraction when you can’ t light up for fear of setting of the fire alarm. Who has an extra pop bottle laying around?


Creed August 22, 2010 at 2:18 am

If you really want your kid to be cool fill his thermos with mad dog 20/20 too (mine likes the blue stuff)


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