The Prom Chaperone

Because no one wants to have to go to prom alone.

Because no one wants to have to go to prom alone.

via Reddit.

Trick or Treat … or Therapy

halloween-kid

Well, at least he won't be whining about you taking him around the neighborhood for candy.

Rule #103: Push Your Child to Join a Gang

kid-join-gang

Helmut? I don't need no stinking helmut.

Does your little guy still have that weird facial tick and irritable bowel?

He is destined for life’s fringes, good people, but you can help him feel included right now. Gang life usually gets a bad rap because of petty things like extortion, money laundering, fraud, death and mayhem. But it takes a village of young thugs to make all of this happen.

That’s where your son comes in. [Read more...]

Baby’s First Book

babys first book

A picture is worth a thousand words. And a thousand hours of therapy.

“What, we were looking at it for the articles.”

A Reasonable Shopping Policy

reasonable shopping policy

Seems like a fair deal.

10 Year-Old Supermodel: At Least She’s Pulling Her Weight

10-year-old-supermodel

At least she's pulling her weight. All 43 pounds of it.

From: Buzzfeed, via Jill Ess

Relevant rules:

Role Model

role model

Everybody should have one.

Rule #101: Use Your Children to Test Electrical Outlets

child-test-outlets

Daddy! How much longer before I get to glow in the dark?

Electricians, much like doctors, are overrated and expensive, which means you can usually do their easy and relatively safe work yourself.

You have never been afraid of strong electrical currents, but you do have to support your family and couldn’t afford to be out of work if, in the unlikely event, an accident with actual, you know, electricity should occur.

So hedge your bets and let your children bear the brunt of testing all the rewiring you’ve done in the new family room. [Read more...]

Rule #99: Encourage Your Daughter to Date a Carny

daughter-dates-carnie

I'll always be there to hold your hair back as you puke after I spin ya on the Tilt-a-Whirl if ya know what I mean.

Your teenage daughter reminded you the other day about several of her friends who are traveling in Europe this summer. And she, of course, is not.

There are a number of reasons for this, not the least of which is you do not trust people from other states, much less people from Europe or “Europeans” as many are called by people who try to be all superior.

While you recognize that travel was an important part of your social development, especially the summer you smuggled cod and dope across the Canadian border in a Pinto, you do not have the funds to allow your child to experience “culture.”

What you do have, however, is the carnival in town. [Read more...]

Rule #97: Grow Weed With Your Children

grow-weed-with-kids

Come on, dad. If we're going to run a profit on this motherfucker we're going to need a bigger patch than that.

We’re all about character-building experiences, especially during the summer.

We’ve even heard stories about right-thinking parents who have put their kids to work mowing lawns for seniors in the neighborhood, working at farmer’s markets and, of course, there’s the requisite lemonade stand that always looks great in family photo albums.

These pursuits are wonderful and wholesome…but they produce chump change. [Read more...]

Rule #94: Give Your Child a Spray-On Summer Tan

spray on tan

Orange you glad I didn't say sunburn?

Since your child is more intimate with Game Boy than fresh air, chances are his skin is the blueish tone of skim milk.

It’s a great look if he’s auditioning for a part as Tiny Tim or pines to be a stunt double for the next vampire flick.

But as an overall “look,” well, it’s not great. [Read more...]

Rule #93: Form a Rock Band With Your Teenager

family band

So, uh, when do the hot babes you promised us show up, Dad?

Your teenage son may not admit it in the light of day, but he thinks it’s very, very cool when you play air guitar to “Running With the Devil” on the Lexus’s steering wheel while you’re driving.

And the part where you grimace like Eddie Van Halen in the throes of a long, finger-dancing guitar-gasm?
Your son loves it.

Sure, he and his buddies already play in a garage band. And they sound pretty good sometimes. They’ve even had a few gigs around town. Girls seem to like them, too.

But know this: Your son is proud to have you as a father, because when you and Eddie V become one in air guitar-ness, you’re showing your son, in no uncertain terms, that you can “jam.” (Note: “Jam” is a word musicians use to describe playing together.) [Read more...]

Rule #91: Rent an Old Geezer for the Holidays

grandpa wearing gloves

Did you really think these No-Grope Gloves could stop 95 years of tradition and primal instinct?

It’s time. Your children have gone long enough without a traditional Christmas grandparent.

They need to experience a Werther’s butterscotch moment with someone who’s really old and wearing a snowflake-embroidered, cuddly sweater laced with the scent of pine needles and wood smoke.

The only problem is that your dad ran off in 1986 with a cocktail waitress from Lubbock. It shocked everyone, but it happened. [Read more...]

Rule #88: Nothing Is More Important Than High School Homecoming

high school homecoming

This is the greatest day of your lives. What the hell do you mean it doesn't feel like it?

Remember when Friday-night lights shone brilliantly, perfumed air commingled with the whiff of popcorn and raw turf?

The pageantry and purpose of high school came together as a student body—football players, cheerleaders, band members, water boys/girls, team managers, vocally supportive classmates in the grandstands and, yes, the gorgeous homecoming court—captured the essence of youth and hope?

Of course you don’t. You and three friends were in the parking lot cozying up with a bong the length of a Trans Am.

But that doesn’t mean you should dismiss the importance of homecoming for your teens. In fact, because you didn’t exactly take part in the “pageantry and purpose” yourself, make sure you tell your children that homecoming is one of the most important events in their lives…like, ever. [Read more...]

Rule #86: Get Matching Mother-Daughter Tattoos

tramp stamp

I know it's a little high for the tramp stamp you wanted, but it's totally going to sag down to your ass eventually.

Ink on young skin is sexy. Ink on old skin is sexy, too.

Well, provided the light is right and the guy with the toothy grin and nice watch at the end of the bar keeps filling your glass and telling you 45 years old has never looked so damned good on anyone.

Which prompts you to adjust yourself by moving things around that usually didn’t require tending to a decade ago. [Read more...]

Rule #84: Own Wild Animals As Pets

wild animals as pets

Eff Mary and her little lamb. You're getting a fawn.

Have you ever witnessed the wonder in a child’s eyes when he spots a deer during one of your walks?

We have. Many, many times.

And while our first reaction is, “Hey, I bet it would be really cool and comforting to rub my face up against that deer’s lush white tail when I’m sleepy and a little drunk,” our second reaction is infinitely more practical:

“I absolutely must get a deer for my kid as a pet because no one else has one, and we would be considered all progressive and a little edgy. I want a deer, and I want one right now.” [Read more...]

Rule #82: Back-to-School Shop at the County Dump

Now don't be greedy, there are enough Coors Light lunch boxes for everyone.

It’s that glorious time of year when highly educated and underpaid personnel, otherwise known as teachers, take over your major responsibilities.

And the mad men and women of Madison Avenue promote this seasonal transition with the idea of buying everything new: clothes, shoes, pencils and food stuffs like party wieners—all of which signal to your children that we are about to usher in another season of massive consumption.

You are not against the transition. In fact, it gives you more time to riddle caregivers and school personnel with long-form complaints. But you are against massive consumption, the kind that has made America weak in the knees for special offers in the snack aisle at Wal-Mart.

That’s why you’ll show your children and the insensible masses where you stand by doing your back-to-school shopping at the county dump. [Read more...]

Rule #80: Ban All Forms of Acne Medication

THEY will learn to adapt. YOU won't have to wait up on Friday nights.

The dull pain, hovering below your skin like teenage heartache itself, began around 3 p.m.

By 5, a mere hour before you were to pick up your date, the missile penetrated and expanded your pores in a flame of shame.

That’s right, you possessed—like some kind of suburban booby prize—a mammoth zit with a fury and size that only teenagers can experience.

And it didn’t really matter where the beast presented itself. Chin, forehead, nose, ear lobe (and underrated spot that rendered earrings impossible), temple, upper lip, lower lip, cheek bone or just above the eyebrow, as if you’d gone 18 rounds with a prize fighter.

While the agony of these events are too numerous to recall with any type of clarity, there’s something you got out of these ghastly experiences of facial disobedience: they built character. [Read more...]

Rule #79: Never Stop for Bathroom Breaks on Family Road Trips

road trip no bathroom breaks

Oh come on, like you've never seen a urine-filled Gatorade bottle before.

There’s no good reason why you need to get from Omaha to Yellowstone in 12 hours, other than your brother Nick said he pulled it off in college in a VW bus.

And Nick has pretty much been humiliating you in everything from dating to badminton to mustache-grooming since you were teens, and you’ll be damned if this douche-bag of a brother is going to hold this road-trip-timing record over your head.

Which is a long way of saying that you’re not stopping at McDonald’s or the interstate rest stop for your children to relieve themselves.

But the reasons for not stopping go far beyond Nick.

Not stopping for bathroom breaks builds a whole new dimension of character in your children. Truth is, they’ll learn as they squirm. [Read more...]

Rule #78: Give Your Baby Plastic Surgery

barbie being barbie

She has her mother's eyes. No really, we took them from a Barbie doll her mother owned.

Well, sure, your kid is 6 months old, and people keep telling you how cute she is.

But as they ramble, you sort of detect a tone that says, “But, looking at you, I’d say your baby’s cuteness won’t last long—I give it maybe another three or four months, tops.”

This near-sighted buffoon might be on to something. [Read more...]

Rule #77: Raise Your Child in a Barn

raise kids in barn

So, when Cowy goes to college, I can have his room?!

Organic farming practices are something to adore.

They produce gnarled, marble-size potatoes and apples as tasty as a kiss from a farmer who has been making his own organic toothpaste since 1965.

Which is why it makes perfect sense to raise what we like to call “organic barn children.”

Organic barn children are a bold answer to the parental refrain, “What? Do you think you were raised in a barn?”
[Read more...]

Rule #75: Arm Your Teen With Water Wings

drinking beer underwater

Danger lurks beneath the surface. Keep your child safely afloat with...floaties.

Sure, Nathan Jr. can swim. You even paid for the lessons a decade ago when he was 6.

But water, especially in shopping-mall fountains, large birdbaths and sandcastle moats, is beyond dangerous—it’s a nationwide tsunami of parental dread and worry. [Read more...]

Rule #73: Use Your Child as a Thermometer

kid as a thermometer

Wait, how long did you say I have to stay out here for?

God damn it’s hot outside.

Or at least it looks that way from inside your air-conditioned lair as little Billy’s shoes are welded by the sun to the concrete.

And some dude on the local news (did he say his name was Topper?) keeps saying there’s a record-breaking heat wave.

Which is something that makes you curious, but not curious enough to leave your sectional and the remote.

Still…you once considered meteorology as a career (right before cosmetology and just after astrology), and you’d very much like to know what all this weather-related fuss is about.

Naturally, this is a job for your child.
[Read more...]

Rule #69: Transport Your Child in a Hamster Ball

Hey, at least it's better than the leash, right?

He has your husband’s squinty eyes and nervous disposition and, to make matters worse, he’s always running around like some kind of toddler…or twitchy rodent from the hamster family.

Which is natural, because your son is a toddler.

But, damn, it’s a nuisance—not to mention a tremendous responsibility. You can lessen the hassle and add to the fun by allowing your active child to “move freely” inside the friendly confines of a giant hamster ball. [Read more...]

Rule #68: Strippers, Feel Free to Enjoy “Take Your Child to Work Day”

take your child to work day strippers

Just because we're staring, doesn't mean we're liking.

All right, all right, so you do a little dancing at a little club downtown run by a green-card carrying Russian who wears a red sweat suit. What’s the big deal? Seems like everyone is doing it.

After all, the Russian is a proud entrepreneur, and he’s built “Yurgi’s House of Shiny Poles” into a beacon of…well, shiny poles. He’s proud—and you should be damn proud, too.

Kids might be confused by the field trip to your “office,” but there are easy approaches to educate and energize the dark, cobwebbed part of their brains that find it unappealing to visit places that smell like a combination of bong water and mint dental floss. [Read more...]

Rule #66: Ban Kids From Your Lawn

kid thrown out of yard

It pains us to do throw you in the mulcher, but it's not like we didn't warn you, Tommy.

When it comes to lawns, children are actually worse—much worse—than moles, nut-juggling squirrels and the terrier up the street with the jumpy sphincter that delivers liquid kibble on your tall fescue every morning.

While these pests pass through or over your lawn, children want to do something more sinister: play on it.

Well, here’s the deal: You spend way too much time and resources on your grass for children to enjoy it. The audacity of these lawn-wreckers can only be matched by your aggressive salvos in defense of your green carpet.

This is war, and you should wage it with vigor—and your children will learn a lot about you and themselves along the way. [Read more...]

Rule #62: Tattoo Your Kids With Reckless Abandon

Stop looking at me like that. If you hate it so much just look at your other arm. You've got two, don't you?

Stop looking at me like that. If you hate it so much just look at your other arm. You've got two, don't you?

Children pretty much all look the same.

Oh, sure, some possess characteristics that keep demographers employed and allow companies like Benetton to perpetuate the myth of rainbow love, but when it really comes right down to it, after you’d pounded a few cans of Schlitz, you’re often confused about which child is yours when all those screaming mini-souls come galloping out of school.

That’s why tattooing is such a viable identifier.

It clearly sets apart your child and says, “Hey, dad, it’s me, remember? I’m the one with the iCarly tattoo on my neck and your ATM pin on my arm.”

Then, of course, you’ll squint, look temporarily confused, and say to yourself, “Right. Right. Yes, that’s right. The tattoos! That is my kid. We had those done for little Matthew at the county fair for half price, because the artist said Matthew’s arm was so small and skinny he didn’t have to use as much ink. Plus, I bought the dude a funnel cake.”
[Read more...]

Rule #53: Stunt Your Child’s Growth

Keep on chugging, we can't get you new shoes for another year.

Keep on chugging, we can't get you new shoes for another year.

Your child has had the appetite of a ravenous hyena since the day he was born.

It’s fairly sickening, actually, with off-the-charts growth (head, feet, adenoids), and his trips to the Waffle House have you heading toward the poor house.

Which is why you should nip his big-boned future in the fat bud and take measures to stunt his growth, both vertically and horizontally.

Seriously, did you really think your child would be in the NBA or become a lanky model? Shrimpy children are underrated for their pluck, spunk and the bit parts they might land in Wizard of Oz revivals for the Lollipop Guild. [Read more...]

Rule #50: Tell Your Child How She Was Conceived

Oh calm down, it's not like we're telling you the story of your actual birth.

Oh calm down, it's not like we're telling you the story of your actual birth.

Kids adore storytelling, and they especially enjoy tales where they are integral parts of the plot and its development.

And there’s no better story than the bumping, grinding and eventual liquid DNA hand-off that took place when little Elizabeth was conceived.

It’s a glorious saga of passion, carnal calisthenics, a $25 entrée…and 10 martinis.

In short, it was a beautiful night—and if you offer every detail of the evening to your child, she’ll appreciate just how incredibly lucky she is that, on the night she was conceived, it was lady’s night at Hungry Harry’s Bar & Grill and martinis were half price. [Read more...]

Rule #47: Hire a Bully to Toughen Up Your Kid

This kid is ready. Is yours?

This kid is ready. Is yours?

Generally speaking, kids these days are gigantic wimps.

They no longer run at recess; they wear helmets for everything; and they even insist on using a local anesthesia for mild bone fractures.

It’s safe to say that they’re not making ‘em like they used to, and your kid is no exception.

At first, you may think it’s cute that little Adam cries during “Beauty and the Beast,” and you may find it endearing when he holds your hand as you cross the street (in public, no less), and you may even melt when he cuddles into bed with you after a scary dream.

But really, you’re just fattening the calf in preparation for social slaughter.

Which is exactly why you should save your child future humiliation by injecting a little trauma into his life now by hiring a bully to toughen him up. Above all, you’ll: [Read more...]

Rule #45: Rent Your Child’s Bedroom to Strangers

Oh quit your crying, kid. It's not like I'm the boogie monster.

Oh quit your crying, kid. It's not like I'm the boogie monster.

It’s tough to admit, but in those quiet yet terrifying moments in the middle of the night when shadows transform into monsters, you acknowledge you’re having a few cash-flow issues—mainly due to off-track betting, the timeshare in Boca Raton, and an addiction to QVC.

And it’s ugly out there. You need a little extra cash.

The easiest place to pick up quick coin is to rent out part of your child’s bedroom to drifters, ex-convicts, and circus people. It’s good for society, good for your bank account, and good for the psyche of your child, who certainly won’t mind sharing his room with society’s fringe element. [Read more...]

Rule #42: Teach Your Son Slang for His Wang

A wiener by any other name would smell as sweet.

A wiener by any other name would smell as sweet.

In the art of using slang, you consider yourself to be a young, squinty Clint Eastwood. Unfortunately, your son is the equivalent of the stammering Peter Pan.

Obviously, this social ineptitude causes your already goofy child to face the struggle of being accepted by his peers, talking to girls, and being manly in general.

That’s why it’s important to arm your son with an arsenal of private-part slang for his Mr. Jiggle, which will help him… [Read more...]

Rule #41: Blame Your Kids for Everything

See, this is where you screwed up my taxes, dipshit.

See this, dipshit? This is where you screwed up our taxes. Thanks.

The economy sucks, your Escort needs new wiper blades, and you’ve developed a sore on your upper lip that looks like some kind of small, angry shell fish.

Amid all of these maladies, it’s clear that you need a scapegoat. And choosing the innocent, the pure, and the powerless is always the best way to go.

That’s why it’s important to blame your child for every shortcoming and bad break you can think of—it’ll make you feel better and steel your child against the unfairness he’ll face later in life. [Read more...]

Rule #40: Keep Your Kid in a Helmet 24/7

A life on the sidelines keeps your kid scar-free. Physically, at least.

A life on the sidelines keeps your kid scar-free. Physically, at least.

Paranoia is incredibly underrated, especially when it comes to protecting your clumsy-ass children.

And there’s no better body part to be paranoid about than a kid’s melon, which is soft and fleshy and ripe for all manner of fatal injuries, no matter how far-fetched they may be.

Clearly, your child’s precious head needs safeguarding with an industrial-strength helmet, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Sure, your efforts might embarrass your children and contribute to their social status as fruity pariahs, but we figure it’s better than a plastic bubble—or worse—a lifetime of pain and physical suffering. [Read more...]

Rule #36: Invent New Forms of Birth Control

The banana-method of Sex Ed will only lead to more confusion and possibly UTIs.

The banana-method of Sex Ed will only lead to more confusion and possibly UTIs.

Talking to your teenagers is awkward enough—so the prospect of talking to them about practicing safe sex is the conversational equivalent of slowly filling a room with man-made gas.

Naturally, you have others offering their help. The health teacher at your child’s school, for example, gives demonstrations involving a not-quite-ripe banana—and the ladies at church preach abstinence, but these misguided attempts will yield few, if any, positive results.

Which is why you should take matters into your own hands and create new forms of birth control.
[Read more...]

Rule #35: Employ Sexy Displays of Public Affection

Seeing this is on no one's Bucket List.

Seeing this is on no one's Bucket List.

Your sexual urges are the moldy masts on your sailboat of life. They carry you into waters that seem appropriate and perfectly fine when intoxicated by alcohol and delusion.

It’s what makes you think to yourself, “Everyone in the world wants to see me vigorously rub the lower, bulging quadrant of my wife’s ass while we’re standing in line at Dunkin Donuts deciding between French crullers and glazed fritters.”

This public display of affection reveals how strong your marriage is, as well as the incredibly classy standards you’ve propped up for yourself.

And children can’t get enough of seeing their parents commit to overzealous rubbing, kissing, and canoodling. Child-development research shows, for example, that 12-year-old kids rank seeing their parents “make out with tongue” slightly ahead of “being trapped in a sinking car” and “getting shit on by an angry camel.”

Which is exactly why you and your spouse should display affection, publicly, and perhaps most important, in front of your kids. [Read more...]

Rule #33: Use Your Child As Cheap Labor

Unlike other children his age, this one actually deserves his dinner tonight.

Unlike other children his age, this one actually deserves his dinner tonight.

The shameful truth is that American children get a free pass these days when it comes to hard labor with little or no pay.

Which is why you always feel free to tell anyone who’ll listen about your hard-labor travails as a child. It usually goes something like, “When I was 5, I worked sun-up to sundown in a codfish plant beheading and gutting the day’s catch while an old codger with an eye patch and a mallet stood guard so I wouldn’t flee. Frankly, the experience made me a better person.”

This is a lie, naturally, and you’re pretty much a dick for perpetuating it. The truth is that you once ate codfish sticks when visiting your Uncle Hector, the funeral director who wore an eye patch, in Toledo. But in the gray area of truthfulness that comes with parenting, this hardly matters.

Instead, what you know to be true is that your bank account isn’t exactly flush with Benjamins right now. Sure, you could work some extra hours or maybe spend fewer dollars at massage parlors or at the dog track, but this would impact your lifestyle negatively. You need more time lounging, not less.

It’s high time your young children began to fill the family coffers with cash garnered from the sweat of their yet-to-be-developed brow. [Read more...]

Rule #30: Love Your Pets More Than Your Kids

At least grandma's got her priorities straight.

At least grandma's got her priorities straight.

You invest too much time and emotion into your children to be getting such a crappy return on investment.

No matter what their age, they disappoint and demoralize you without fail.

They may not pull this off all in one inglorious day, but just as sure as you’ll receive a stale Whitman Sampler for your birthday, it’ll happen until, bit by bit, their tiny failures will render your soul barren.

Your pet daschund, on the other hand, never lets you down.
[Read more...]

Rule #28: Practice Random Nudity

Some call it a plumber's crack. We call it a good start.

Some call it a plumber's crack. We call it a good start.

By the time your children turn 8, their worst fear is seeing you naked.

In fact, they would rather see you in prison than see your exposed, special parts—which could trigger night terrors that could last well into adulthood.

That’s a reasonable assumption, given the mottled flesh you tote around. But you’re extremely proud of and comfortable with your body, and there’s no good reason why the rest of the world—or at least your immediate family—shouldn’t relish it, too.

While you’re not all that relaxed sharing emotions with your children, you’re absolutely fine baring parts of yourself that should be covered by yards of heavy, plastic-lined fabric.

You learned in college that being indiscriminately nude, especially when you have no good reason to be, builds a kind of lazy confidence. That’s exactly what you want for your children. By seeing you naked, they’ll also learn that life is unpredictable, incredibly embarrassing, and forever yielding sights that are better left in the pages of National Geographic or the New England Journal of Medicine. [Read more...]

Rule #25: Be a Breastfeeding Superhero

This child is literally going blind. Why? His milk comes from a cup instead of a boob.

This child is literally going blind. Why? His milk comes from a cup instead of a boob.

You are blessed with vessels of milky love that give, unendingly, like Saudi oil fields.

You know this, of course, and you cannot understand why others aren’t as militantly into breastfeeding as you are. It has always been easy for you, and you’ve read all the literature about how it’s the right thing to do, so why don’t others follow you to the Milky Mountains?

You see their children, mouths agape with chubby faces from being force-fed baby formula and solid food, and you think it would be a better world—a perfect world—if you could lecture them about the glory and righteousness of breastfeeding. [Read more...]

Rule #22: Dress Like Your Teenage Daughter

We bet you’ll even get carded at the liquor store...to see if you’re wanted for prostitution.

We bet you’ll even get carded at the liquor store...to see if you’re wanted for prostitution.

You may have noticed that your teenage daughter is younger and inordinately hotter than you. Perhaps most important, you’ve noticed how much attention she gets from teenage boys and older, boldly leering men who should, in fact, be boldly leering at you.

Like almost every mother, you’re brimming with jealousy and envy. But you learned a long time ago that the proper outfit can make all the difference. And nothing says, “I Still Got the Goods” more than dressing like your teenage daughter. Yes, exactly like her.

She’ll appreciate the flattery (isn’t imitation the sincerest form?), and you’ll turn heads like never before as you announce to the world, “Hey, check me out. I’m so comfortable in my skin that I want to show you as much of it as possible—with a fashion sense that’s a cross between Miley Cyrus and the Pussycat Dolls, only with way more chafing.” [Read more...]

Rule #19: Use Christmas to Show Your Children Which One You Love the Most

Why is he crying? Because he's your secondary child and he got the armpit-flavored candy cane.

Why is he crying? Because he's your secondary child and he got the armpit-flavored candy cane.

No other occasion gives you a better opportunity to evenly and fairly distribute praise and expensive gifts to your children than Christmas.

It’s a great concept, but hard to pull off.

The problem, of course, is that at least one of your kids is pretty much a loser—or smells like mold, has adopted sissy hobbies or resembles someone who couldn’t possibly be related to you.

Whatever the case, you resent this. And if you make this kid’s Christmas as special as the child in the house whom you love the most, you’ll only be cheating yourself. So it’s important to use the holidays to validate the greatness of the Chosen Child and confirm the shortcomings of your secondary children—no matter what their ages, as it will help them step up their game. [Read more...]

Rule #18: Harass Youth League Umpires

What are you, the Vienna Boys Choir? This is a youth league basketball game. Yell. Throw stuff.

What are you, the Vienna Boys' Choir? This is a youth league basketball game. Yell. Throw stuff.

Somewhere between getting cut from a beer-league softball team and drafting a high-stakes fantasy-football squad, you became a bitter douche bag about sports.

Check that. You became a bitter douche bag with a sports agenda. And that agenda usually entails letting most of the free world know that your prepubescent children are superstar athletes.

Anyone who doesn’t see the pure genius of your child’s athletic skills—especially volunteer referees and umpires—should be appropriately scolded. Publicly.

So, we suggest screaming, loudly and frequently, at youth league umpires. This proves to your children that you love and support them, and that you’re willing to make a braying jackass of yourself in public to fulfill all their athletic dreams.
[Read more...]

Rule #15: Create Uncomfortable Thanksgiving Traditions

Let your children know what Thanksgiving is really about: Giving thanks that it only happens once a year.

Let your children know what Thanksgiving is really about: Giving thanks that it only happens once a year.

Thanksgiving is so much more than canned cranberry sauce, trousers with stretch waistbands, and poly-cotton sweaters displaying bronzed leaves and horses. Granted, these are holy and otherwise good. But the great American holiday is also about creating family traditions.

If your brood lacks holiday customs, now is the time to launch a few. As always, you’ll want to make sure that these traditions aren’t just random ways to make children feel good about themselves by providing a lifetime of glossy memories; instead, the traditions should teach some life lessons while passing along some of your core values.

Discomfort + Shame = Thanksgiving Cheer

It’s so easy to mimic your goody-two-shoes neighbor’s tradition of watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, playing family touch-football games, and gathering folks around the table to break bread and eat smoked turkey. But if every family has the same tradition, how can they possible feel special?

With that in mind, here are 5 suggestions to incorporate into your Thanksgiving routine this year: [Read more...]