The Prom Chaperone

Because no one wants to have to go to prom alone.

Because no one wants to have to go to prom alone.

via Reddit.

Trick or Treat … or Therapy

halloween-kid

Well, at least he won't be whining about you taking him around the neighborhood for candy.

Rule #104: Feed Your Child Soap

feed child soap

After the initial sting you'll start to get numb to the pain. Just like real life.

We’ve heard about barbaric parents who have “washed their child’s mouth out” with soap for any number of verbal infractions.

But this is like inserting a Lego in your puppy’s ass for soiling your carpet…which doesn’t work, as we’ve learned through, um, friends who have told us as much. (Seriously, we don’t even own Legos.)

Feeding your kid soap is a kinder, gentler form of punishment. It can be used for any number of transgressions (rudeness, poor grades, trying to stuff Legos up your puppy’s ass), yet we’ve found it works best when used in conjunction with a clean soul. [Read more...]

Reputable Daycare Provider

reputable-daycare-service

They'll even come to your home for pick-up service. (No return delivery though).

Baby’s First Book

babys first book

A picture is worth a thousand words. And a thousand hours of therapy.

“What, we were looking at it for the articles.”

Responsibility

beats-shampoo

Responsibility: You know you have it when your instinct is to pull out the camera.

Male bonding

male bonding

Just another father and son outing.

Related rules:

The Least Popular Bedtime Story

bullet to child

You won't get many requests to read this one.

From: robogeeksy

Rule #101: Use Your Children to Test Electrical Outlets

child-test-outlets

Daddy! How much longer before I get to glow in the dark?

Electricians, much like doctors, are overrated and expensive, which means you can usually do their easy and relatively safe work yourself.

You have never been afraid of strong electrical currents, but you do have to support your family and couldn’t afford to be out of work if, in the unlikely event, an accident with actual, you know, electricity should occur.

So hedge your bets and let your children bear the brunt of testing all the rewiring you’ve done in the new family room. [Read more...]

Rule #99: Encourage Your Daughter to Date a Carny

daughter-dates-carnie

I'll always be there to hold your hair back as you puke after I spin ya on the Tilt-a-Whirl if ya know what I mean.

Your teenage daughter reminded you the other day about several of her friends who are traveling in Europe this summer. And she, of course, is not.

There are a number of reasons for this, not the least of which is you do not trust people from other states, much less people from Europe or “Europeans” as many are called by people who try to be all superior.

While you recognize that travel was an important part of your social development, especially the summer you smuggled cod and dope across the Canadian border in a Pinto, you do not have the funds to allow your child to experience “culture.”

What you do have, however, is the carnival in town. [Read more...]

Rule #98: Blame Your Kids for Natural Disasters

blame-kids-for-natural-disasters

It's simple, Timmy. You urinate on the toilet seat, God urinates on the world. And it's your fault.

Everyone is so convinced that earthquakes, wildfires, hurricanes and lousy liposuction jobs are acts of god…or maybe Rupert Murdoch.

God and Murdoch are great candidates, but they don’t necessarily help you instill a lack of confidence, coupled with a dose of paranoia, in your child. You want your son and daughter to feel the weight of the world coming down on them for misguided actions? [Read more...]

Rule #92: Teach Your Kid How to Hitchhike

hitchhiking

Come on, you didn't expect me to give you a ride to school every single day, did you?

Remember that time when it was your turn to do the carpool and the neighbor’s snotbucket of a  kid ended up shitting their pants in the back seat?

Of course you do, because all the Odor Eaters in the world still haven’t been able to clear the stench from the air. (And Grandma passes out every time she’s stuffed back there for a family road trip, even when she’s sober).

What if you found out there was a solution – a way to remove yourself from carpool duty and parental responsibility in general? Well, there is. Just teach your kid how to hitchhike. [Read more...]

Rule #69: Transport Your Child in a Hamster Ball

Hey, at least it's better than the leash, right?

He has your husband’s squinty eyes and nervous disposition and, to make matters worse, he’s always running around like some kind of toddler…or twitchy rodent from the hamster family.

Which is natural, because your son is a toddler.

But, damn, it’s a nuisance—not to mention a tremendous responsibility. You can lessen the hassle and add to the fun by allowing your active child to “move freely” inside the friendly confines of a giant hamster ball. [Read more...]

Rule #68: Strippers, Feel Free to Enjoy “Take Your Child to Work Day”

take your child to work day strippers

Just because we're staring, doesn't mean we're liking.

All right, all right, so you do a little dancing at a little club downtown run by a green-card carrying Russian who wears a red sweat suit. What’s the big deal? Seems like everyone is doing it.

After all, the Russian is a proud entrepreneur, and he’s built “Yurgi’s House of Shiny Poles” into a beacon of…well, shiny poles. He’s proud—and you should be damn proud, too.

Kids might be confused by the field trip to your “office,” but there are easy approaches to educate and energize the dark, cobwebbed part of their brains that find it unappealing to visit places that smell like a combination of bong water and mint dental floss. [Read more...]

Rule #65: Put Your Kid in Timeout at an Orphanage

kid in prison

And you had the audacity to complain about sitting in the corner.

Joshua’s done it again: After you’ve repeatedly told him not to roast his sister’s training bra over an open-pit fire in the guestroom, the weight of your words are ignored.

Mockery has become the boy’s watchword, and he’s just daring you to put him in timeout.

And this you shall do, but with an effective twist: Send him to timeout at a place where punishment comes in the form of complete abandonment in a chamber of hopelessness, despair and goat-broth dinners. (Other than that, orphanages seem like great places.)
[Read more...]

Rule #64: Send Your Kid to Mafia Training Camp

In life, you're either the diaper, or the shit.

In life, you are either the diaper or the shit.

Given your child’s twitchy disposition and desire to build Lego kingdoms 24/7, it’s a pretty clear he’s going to get punched more often than cheap drywall in the men’s bathroom at a redneck bar on Saturday nights.

The kid needs protection.

The kid needs to learn ruthlessness.

The kid, well shit, the kid needs a pair of balls.

That’s why it’s a good idea to send your child to mafia training camp. [Read more...]

Rule #59: Vacation in a Third World Country

Weren't you the one complaining about taking a bath? That tub doesn't seem so bad now, does it, hot shot?

Weren't you the one complaining about taking a bath? That tub doesn't seem so bad now, does it, hot shot?

Your kid, like most American children, is spoiled shitless.

He’s got an iPod, a television in his room – which he shares with no one – and you even let him have his own seat at your dining room table.

Clearly, the rod has been spared and the child has been royally spoiled. And his entitled perspective has his expectations as high as his Uncle Leroy, who, incidentally, was never invited to the dining room table.

To combat the social retardation which will be the result of this spoilage, you should, at some time in your child’s adolescence, vacation to a third world country (no, flipping on Slumdog Millionaire doesn’t count.)

Your probably thinking that there’s no way this could improve anything, and you’re probably worried about getting your Manolo Blahnik’s stolen – or worse – dirty, and you may be right.

But you never joined the Peacecorps and you mildly regret this, so pack your bags, head to Somalia and get ready to improve the shit out of yourself and your kid: [Read more...]

Rule #56: Join Forces With the Monster Under the Bed

Just lay low for now, and if he's still awake after 10, just crawl out and lick his hand or something.

Just lay low for now, and if he's still awake after 10, just crawl out and lick his hand or something.

Every parent needs an ally, and there’s no better source of unknown evil to a toddler or small child than the monster under the bed.

Use this sinister source to your advantage when trying to sway your child to follow any of your home’s random rules that, truth be told, most children with the brain function of a parsnip wouldn’t bother following anyway.

But that’s not the point.

The point, as we see it in our long-term, tainted-by-Donnie-Darko worldview, is to break your child’s will and foment the beginnings of rampant paranoia that will one day have him scampering up trees like a feral tabby when any sign of danger approaches your home. [Read more...]

Rule #50: Tell Your Child How She Was Conceived

Oh calm down, it's not like we're telling you the story of your actual birth.

Oh calm down, it's not like we're telling you the story of your actual birth.

Kids adore storytelling, and they especially enjoy tales where they are integral parts of the plot and its development.

And there’s no better story than the bumping, grinding and eventual liquid DNA hand-off that took place when little Elizabeth was conceived.

It’s a glorious saga of passion, carnal calisthenics, a $25 entrée…and 10 martinis.

In short, it was a beautiful night—and if you offer every detail of the evening to your child, she’ll appreciate just how incredibly lucky she is that, on the night she was conceived, it was lady’s night at Hungry Harry’s Bar & Grill and martinis were half price. [Read more...]

Rule #47: Hire a Bully to Toughen Up Your Kid

This kid is ready. Is yours?

This kid is ready. Is yours?

Generally speaking, kids these days are gigantic wimps.

They no longer run at recess; they wear helmets for everything; and they even insist on using a local anesthesia for mild bone fractures.

It’s safe to say that they’re not making ‘em like they used to, and your kid is no exception.

At first, you may think it’s cute that little Adam cries during “Beauty and the Beast,” and you may find it endearing when he holds your hand as you cross the street (in public, no less), and you may even melt when he cuddles into bed with you after a scary dream.

But really, you’re just fattening the calf in preparation for social slaughter.

Which is exactly why you should save your child future humiliation by injecting a little trauma into his life now by hiring a bully to toughen him up. Above all, you’ll: [Read more...]

Rule #45: Rent Your Child’s Bedroom to Strangers

Oh quit your crying, kid. It's not like I'm the boogie monster.

Oh quit your crying, kid. It's not like I'm the boogie monster.

It’s tough to admit, but in those quiet yet terrifying moments in the middle of the night when shadows transform into monsters, you acknowledge you’re having a few cash-flow issues—mainly due to off-track betting, the timeshare in Boca Raton, and an addiction to QVC.

And it’s ugly out there. You need a little extra cash.

The easiest place to pick up quick coin is to rent out part of your child’s bedroom to drifters, ex-convicts, and circus people. It’s good for society, good for your bank account, and good for the psyche of your child, who certainly won’t mind sharing his room with society’s fringe element. [Read more...]

Rule #28: Practice Random Nudity

Some call it a plumber's crack. We call it a good start.

Some call it a plumber's crack. We call it a good start.

By the time your children turn 8, their worst fear is seeing you naked.

In fact, they would rather see you in prison than see your exposed, special parts—which could trigger night terrors that could last well into adulthood.

That’s a reasonable assumption, given the mottled flesh you tote around. But you’re extremely proud of and comfortable with your body, and there’s no good reason why the rest of the world—or at least your immediate family—shouldn’t relish it, too.

While you’re not all that relaxed sharing emotions with your children, you’re absolutely fine baring parts of yourself that should be covered by yards of heavy, plastic-lined fabric.

You learned in college that being indiscriminately nude, especially when you have no good reason to be, builds a kind of lazy confidence. That’s exactly what you want for your children. By seeing you naked, they’ll also learn that life is unpredictable, incredibly embarrassing, and forever yielding sights that are better left in the pages of National Geographic or the New England Journal of Medicine. [Read more...]

Rule #22: Dress Like Your Teenage Daughter

We bet you’ll even get carded at the liquor store...to see if you’re wanted for prostitution.

We bet you’ll even get carded at the liquor store...to see if you’re wanted for prostitution.

You may have noticed that your teenage daughter is younger and inordinately hotter than you. Perhaps most important, you’ve noticed how much attention she gets from teenage boys and older, boldly leering men who should, in fact, be boldly leering at you.

Like almost every mother, you’re brimming with jealousy and envy. But you learned a long time ago that the proper outfit can make all the difference. And nothing says, “I Still Got the Goods” more than dressing like your teenage daughter. Yes, exactly like her.

She’ll appreciate the flattery (isn’t imitation the sincerest form?), and you’ll turn heads like never before as you announce to the world, “Hey, check me out. I’m so comfortable in my skin that I want to show you as much of it as possible—with a fashion sense that’s a cross between Miley Cyrus and the Pussycat Dolls, only with way more chafing.” [Read more...]

Rule #17: Scare Your Child Shitless About Germs

He may look innocent...but he's planning on wiping that somewhere.

He may look innocent...but he's planning on wiping that somewhere.

It seems one half of the world is busy picking at scabs and boils, and the other half of the world is digging inside its collective nostril.

This dance of disgust goes on every day among the Great Unwashed, whose members ride buses, attend schools, play soccer matches, and generally cling to the hope that they can infect your child with germs so twisted and toothy that scientists have yet to name them.

It’s a filthy world. You know this, but your child does not. That’s why it’s up to you to scare him shitless about germs, which, of course, can be lingering on anything from a festering handrail to Grandma’s puckered lips.
[Read more...]