Rule #105: Ignore Your Child’s Anger Issues

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That's not a purr. That's a cry for help.

You’ve probably noticed little Samantha requesting more raw meat with her meals, especially breakfast.

It would be foolish of you to turn down these requests. You see, Samantha is growing, learning and adapting to the world around her, and that world often needs the fuel of uncooked sirloin.

Which brings us to Samantha’s alleged anger issues. [Read more...]

Rule #104: Feed Your Child Soap

feed child soap

After the initial sting you'll start to get numb to the pain. Just like real life.

We’ve heard about barbaric parents who have “washed their child’s mouth out” with soap for any number of verbal infractions.

But this is like inserting a Lego in your puppy’s ass for soiling your carpet…which doesn’t work, as we’ve learned through, um, friends who have told us as much. (Seriously, we don’t even own Legos.)

Feeding your kid soap is a kinder, gentler form of punishment. It can be used for any number of transgressions (rudeness, poor grades, trying to stuff Legos up your puppy’s ass), yet we’ve found it works best when used in conjunction with a clean soul. [Read more...]

Rule #103: Push Your Child to Join a Gang

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Helmut? I don't need no stinking helmut.

Does your little guy still have that weird facial tick and irritable bowel?

He is destined for life’s fringes, good people, but you can help him feel included right now. Gang life usually gets a bad rap because of petty things like extortion, money laundering, fraud, death and mayhem. But it takes a village of young thugs to make all of this happen.

That’s where your son comes in. [Read more...]

Equals

equals

We're not going to play favorites with you two.

I’d Give You Anything You Ax For

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Just remember, don't run with this thing. Walk slowly, deliberately, and never take your eye of the target.