Rule #106: Bring Beer to Back-to-School Night

beer-goggles

Your future looks a hell of a lot brighter through beer goggles.

Let’s just get this out of the way: You have a tendency to do the wrong thing.

And there are very few opportunities in life to do something right, actually feel good about it, and get a nice buzz going at the same time.

Which is why it’s critical to bring a case of brew to your child’s back-to-school night. [Read more...]

Baby’s First Book

babys first book

A picture is worth a thousand words. And a thousand hours of therapy.

“What, we were looking at it for the articles.”

Responsibility

beats-shampoo

Responsibility: You know you have it when your instinct is to pull out the camera.

Getting Off Your Ass is Overrated

Responsibility is a drag. Take a stand against it. OK, take a seat.

recliners

There are very few reasons to get out of a comfortable chair. This isn't one of them.

Related rules:

Role Model

role model

Everybody should have one.

Cost-effective Hydration

don't drink the water

Don't drink the water. You have no idea where that kid has been.

The Multitasker

multitasking

Because nothing should stand in the way of gaming.

Rule #100: Blame Someone Else’s Child for Pool Poop

pool poop

You gotta be shitting me. Is that another floater?

Remember the four pounds of dried apricots you forced little Jamie to eat for lunch?

Well, they staged an ugly coup in your child’s colon, broke down the doors to the anal palace, and came screaming into the previously tranquil kingdom of the neighborhood pool’s 2 feet area.

The resulting spasm of fetid floatsam cleared the pool witin seconds, leaving Jamie both ashamed and embarrassed.

Of course, you always want to shield your child from shame, especially when it’s just as easy to blame someone else. [Read more...]

Rule #97: Grow Weed With Your Children

grow-weed-with-kids

Come on, dad. If we're going to run a profit on this motherfucker we're going to need a bigger patch than that.

We’re all about character-building experiences, especially during the summer.

We’ve even heard stories about right-thinking parents who have put their kids to work mowing lawns for seniors in the neighborhood, working at farmer’s markets and, of course, there’s the requisite lemonade stand that always looks great in family photo albums.

These pursuits are wonderful and wholesome…but they produce chump change. [Read more...]

Rule #95: Encourage Your Kids to Take Rides from Strangers

rides with stranger

Of course the man is nice, Elliot. If he wasn't, would he love Trolls this much?

Gas prices are high.

In fact, you haven’t seen anything quite as high since your college roommate Alfonso figured out how to make a bong out of his kettle drum and the toilet plunger.

But the pain at the pump doesn’t mean you need to feel pain in your wallet, as long as you’re willing to let men dressed as women driving Chrysler LeBarons littered with Slim Jim wrappers chauffeur your next of kin around.

And while you’re saving money on gas and DUI charges, you’ll also rev your engines to these perks of encouraging your kids to take rides from strangers: [Read more...]

Rule #94: Give Your Child a Spray-On Summer Tan

spray on tan

Orange you glad I didn't say sunburn?

Since your child is more intimate with Game Boy than fresh air, chances are his skin is the blueish tone of skim milk.

It’s a great look if he’s auditioning for a part as Tiny Tim or pines to be a stunt double for the next vampire flick.

But as an overall “look,” well, it’s not great. [Read more...]

Rule #93: Form a Rock Band With Your Teenager

family band

So, uh, when do the hot babes you promised us show up, Dad?

Your teenage son may not admit it in the light of day, but he thinks it’s very, very cool when you play air guitar to “Running With the Devil” on the Lexus’s steering wheel while you’re driving.

And the part where you grimace like Eddie Van Halen in the throes of a long, finger-dancing guitar-gasm?
Your son loves it.

Sure, he and his buddies already play in a garage band. And they sound pretty good sometimes. They’ve even had a few gigs around town. Girls seem to like them, too.

But know this: Your son is proud to have you as a father, because when you and Eddie V become one in air guitar-ness, you’re showing your son, in no uncertain terms, that you can “jam.” (Note: “Jam” is a word musicians use to describe playing together.) [Read more...]

Rule #92: Teach Your Kid How to Hitchhike

hitchhiking

Come on, you didn't expect me to give you a ride to school every single day, did you?

Remember that time when it was your turn to do the carpool and the neighbor’s snotbucket of a  kid ended up shitting their pants in the back seat?

Of course you do, because all the Odor Eaters in the world still haven’t been able to clear the stench from the air. (And Grandma passes out every time she’s stuffed back there for a family road trip, even when she’s sober).

What if you found out there was a solution – a way to remove yourself from carpool duty and parental responsibility in general? Well, there is. Just teach your kid how to hitchhike. [Read more...]

Rule #89: Run Your Child’s Political Campaign at School

run your childs school election campaign

Lindsey will not be doomed to repeat my failure. Lindsey will NOT be doomed to repeat my failure.

In the harsh world of running for class president, vice president, secretary, or treasurer, there is little room for miscalculation.

Because, let’s face it, miscalculation leads to failure, and failure leads to mumbling to the lunch lady about how, if you’d just promised in your campaign speech to create an all-tater-tot lunch menu, things would have turned out differently back in the day.

But that was long ago, and you’ve learned from your mistakes.

And now it is time to turn those verbal and physical mishaps—especially the one where you soiled a perfectly nice pair of O.P. shorts—into victories for your child by becoming his or her campaign manager. [Read more...]

Rule #79: Never Stop for Bathroom Breaks on Family Road Trips

road trip no bathroom breaks

Oh come on, like you've never seen a urine-filled Gatorade bottle before.

There’s no good reason why you need to get from Omaha to Yellowstone in 12 hours, other than your brother Nick said he pulled it off in college in a VW bus.

And Nick has pretty much been humiliating you in everything from dating to badminton to mustache-grooming since you were teens, and you’ll be damned if this douche-bag of a brother is going to hold this road-trip-timing record over your head.

Which is a long way of saying that you’re not stopping at McDonald’s or the interstate rest stop for your children to relieve themselves.

But the reasons for not stopping go far beyond Nick.

Not stopping for bathroom breaks builds a whole new dimension of character in your children. Truth is, they’ll learn as they squirm. [Read more...]

Rule #76: Dump Your Kids on Other Parents

parent with child

So wait, how long did your parents say they'd be out of town?

So, you have this sweet opportunity to attend a semi-nude Renaissance Festival in upstate New York where a couple of dudes from Phish (including the back-up drummer) are playing on Saturday night.

The tickets are cheap, the timing is right (the kids are only playing four soccer games on Saturday instead of six), and you can almost smell the booze/urine/body odor cocktail you’ll be inhaling all weekend.

Only problem: What to do with your children?

They’ve worn out their welcome with the in-laws, especially after the unfortunate incident with the nacho cheese and the Citronella candle. Which means that your best option is to dump your children on other unsuspecting parents. [Read more...]

Rule #69: Transport Your Child in a Hamster Ball

Hey, at least it's better than the leash, right?

He has your husband’s squinty eyes and nervous disposition and, to make matters worse, he’s always running around like some kind of toddler…or twitchy rodent from the hamster family.

Which is natural, because your son is a toddler.

But, damn, it’s a nuisance—not to mention a tremendous responsibility. You can lessen the hassle and add to the fun by allowing your active child to “move freely” inside the friendly confines of a giant hamster ball. [Read more...]

Rule #67: Use Your Stroller as a Battering Ram

strollers as battering ram

Those bitches at the park will never see us coming.

First, they took away your semi-automatic Browning—a birthday present that could blow a hole in fat maple from 75 paces.

Then they made you give up your Chuck Norris-autographed numchucks.

And the last straw was banning you from lobbing rocks at the miscreants in your neighborhood (translation: anyone who happens to disagree with you).

But you know what?

Those soft, liberal dick-weeds can’t take away your baby stroller.

In fact, your Swedish brand—a double-decker equipped with what looks like a spoiler—has enough heft to cause more damage than a runaway Delta 88 driven by an escapee from the senior center. Use all that Swedish engineering to drive home your point, even if it’s pointless.
[Read more...]

Rule #66: Ban Kids From Your Lawn

kid thrown out of yard

It pains us to do throw you in the mulcher, but it's not like we didn't warn you, Tommy.

When it comes to lawns, children are actually worse—much worse—than moles, nut-juggling squirrels and the terrier up the street with the jumpy sphincter that delivers liquid kibble on your tall fescue every morning.

While these pests pass through or over your lawn, children want to do something more sinister: play on it.

Well, here’s the deal: You spend way too much time and resources on your grass for children to enjoy it. The audacity of these lawn-wreckers can only be matched by your aggressive salvos in defense of your green carpet.

This is war, and you should wage it with vigor—and your children will learn a lot about you and themselves along the way. [Read more...]

Rule #57: Pick Up Chicks With Your Kid

Well, I don't like to brag, but this baby freaking loves me.

Hey lady, if you cry hard enough, he'll probably even change your diaper.

You are a walking, talking, blubbering Petri dish of insecurities.

It’s obvious to everyone, even the blind dude with the dog that licks your loafers on the subway, but somehow you don’t see it—in much the same way you don’t see your unholy tangle of ear hair.

But you have a cute kid.

It’s weird. Millions of insecure and otherwise ugly to average-looking people have cute kids. No one can explain it, sort of like why people still eat boloney sandwiches.

Anyway, employ this cute kid of yours for something useful like picking up chicks. Even if attractive women won’t talk to you, it doesn’t mean they won’t talk to your child. It works, and if your munchkin is noshing a boloney sandwich at the time, your odds of success are even better. [Read more...]

Rule #39: Carry Your Baby in a Bag

Please remember not to use plastic.

Please remember not to use plastic.

Your baby is a bulky burden that selfishly expects you to take care of his every need.

You may not mind the occasional feeding or even pushing him around in a stroller at the park (as long as you get to ogle hot joggers).

But, like most of us, what you probably can’t stand is carrying your child everywhere you need to go.

Carrying him around all the time makes you tired, cranky and disdainful of his presence—which may encourage you to drop him or put him up as collateral in a poker game.

As a busy person, you can’t allow the pathetically slow development of your child’s motor skills make you less productive, especially when it comes to the important things in life.

That’s why it’s important to embrace a new era of fashion and efficiency and carry your baby around in a bag. [Read more...]

Rule #27: Bribe Your Children With Sugar

Worried about rotting those baby teeth? Come on—they’re just going to fall out anyway.

Worried about rotting those baby teeth? Come on—they’re just going to fall out anyway.

Most media outlets would have you believe that the vast majority of American children are either complete fatties or well on their way to being one.

They will tell you, of course, that the culprit is sugar. And they will insist that assorted confections foisted on kids by their submissive parents are to blame.

This is clearly nonsense.

This great country was founded on sugar (look it up)—and generations of parents have learned that sugar, if used effectively, can convince a child to do just about anything.

If you’re struggling to get your child’s attention, or if you need to sway him in any way, forget a firm hand—sugar as a source of bribery is like giving candy to a baby. (Which, by the way, we recommend as a way to develop salivary ducts before the age of 6 months.) [Read more...]

Rule #26: Take Your Kids to Bars

You've always been a bit of a dork. Having kids just emphasized it.

You've always been a bit of a dork. Having kids just emphasized it.

You’ve pretty much been labeled a social pariah ever since you decided to have children…at least that’s the way you see it.

You get fewer invites to happy hours and hardly receive any 2 a.m. drunk dials from reasonably attractive people—but perhaps the biggest change is that you simply don’t have the opportunity to get hammered and all crazy in a public setting any longer. (Well, unless you count the church parking lot on Sundays, and we’re not.)

But you are nothing if not incredibly resourceful, so it’s easy to shed a few years of parental lameness by making one simple decision (and please note, this will go down as the single-greatest decision you’ve ever made): Just take your kids with you to bars. [Read more...]