The Prom Chaperone

Because no one wants to have to go to prom alone.

Because no one wants to have to go to prom alone.

via Reddit.

Baby Photos are for Babies

kid-tattoo

Because permanent ink means permanent love.

Source: Funlobby

Just the Two of Us

matching-mother-daughter-outfits

Only two things in this world are permanent: our hair, and our love.

Also see:

How to Make a Therapist Rich

how to make a therapist rich

Cause you make me feel like a pony. So good, like a pony.

Rule #93: Form a Rock Band With Your Teenager

family band

So, uh, when do the hot babes you promised us show up, Dad?

Your teenage son may not admit it in the light of day, but he thinks it’s very, very cool when you play air guitar to “Running With the Devil” on the Lexus’s steering wheel while you’re driving.

And the part where you grimace like Eddie Van Halen in the throes of a long, finger-dancing guitar-gasm?
Your son loves it.

Sure, he and his buddies already play in a garage band. And they sound pretty good sometimes. They’ve even had a few gigs around town. Girls seem to like them, too.

But know this: Your son is proud to have you as a father, because when you and Eddie V become one in air guitar-ness, you’re showing your son, in no uncertain terms, that you can “jam.” (Note: “Jam” is a word musicians use to describe playing together.) [Read more...]

Rule #82: Back-to-School Shop at the County Dump

Now don't be greedy, there are enough Coors Light lunch boxes for everyone.

It’s that glorious time of year when highly educated and underpaid personnel, otherwise known as teachers, take over your major responsibilities.

And the mad men and women of Madison Avenue promote this seasonal transition with the idea of buying everything new: clothes, shoes, pencils and food stuffs like party wieners—all of which signal to your children that we are about to usher in another season of massive consumption.

You are not against the transition. In fact, it gives you more time to riddle caregivers and school personnel with long-form complaints. But you are against massive consumption, the kind that has made America weak in the knees for special offers in the snack aisle at Wal-Mart.

That’s why you’ll show your children and the insensible masses where you stand by doing your back-to-school shopping at the county dump. [Read more...]

Rule #81: Use Hand-Me-Down Braces & Retainers

hand-me-down-braces

Try to clean some of the food particles out before we put them on your little brother.

Dentists are always trying to tell you that every child’s mouth is different.

They’ll blather on about overbites and under-bites and pie-holes that are too big or too small.

But, really, a mouth’s a mouth—and this happens to be your third child’s mouth, so it really makes no sense why you should have to pay thousands of dollars for your 12-year-old son’s mouth of bent metal when your 14-year-old daughter just had her braces taken off. [Read more...]

Rule #80: Ban All Forms of Acne Medication

THEY will learn to adapt. YOU won't have to wait up on Friday nights.

The dull pain, hovering below your skin like teenage heartache itself, began around 3 p.m.

By 5, a mere hour before you were to pick up your date, the missile penetrated and expanded your pores in a flame of shame.

That’s right, you possessed—like some kind of suburban booby prize—a mammoth zit with a fury and size that only teenagers can experience.

And it didn’t really matter where the beast presented itself. Chin, forehead, nose, ear lobe (and underrated spot that rendered earrings impossible), temple, upper lip, lower lip, cheek bone or just above the eyebrow, as if you’d gone 18 rounds with a prize fighter.

While the agony of these events are too numerous to recall with any type of clarity, there’s something you got out of these ghastly experiences of facial disobedience: they built character. [Read more...]

Rule #75: Arm Your Teen With Water Wings

drinking beer underwater

Danger lurks beneath the surface. Keep your child safely afloat with...floaties.

Sure, Nathan Jr. can swim. You even paid for the lessons a decade ago when he was 6.

But water, especially in shopping-mall fountains, large birdbaths and sandcastle moats, is beyond dangerous—it’s a nationwide tsunami of parental dread and worry. [Read more...]

Rule #69: Transport Your Child in a Hamster Ball

Hey, at least it's better than the leash, right?

He has your husband’s squinty eyes and nervous disposition and, to make matters worse, he’s always running around like some kind of toddler…or twitchy rodent from the hamster family.

Which is natural, because your son is a toddler.

But, damn, it’s a nuisance—not to mention a tremendous responsibility. You can lessen the hassle and add to the fun by allowing your active child to “move freely” inside the friendly confines of a giant hamster ball. [Read more...]

Rule #55: Scare Away Your Children’s Friends

But he only eats one child per year, so you should be safe, Charlie.

But he only eats one child per year, so you should be safe, Charlie.

The only children who can be trusted are yours—and only if they’ve been sedated with warm milk and apple strudel.

You don’t like the idea of other children or so-called “friends” influencing your brood with talk of the “internet” and its many electronic trappings, as well as using “cell phones” to discuss things such as where they’ll meet to eat food that is fast and “convenient.”

And don’t get us started with the ugly influences on the younger set, including the ne’er-do-wells at Disney.

It’s a dangerous world of ideas, and your children like ideas…mainly because they don’t get any at home. That’s why it’s important to scare away all of their friends and would-be friends. (Studies by researcher-scientist types with bad parts in their hair and acne scars have shown that friendships are ridiculously overrated anyway.)
[Read more...]

Rule #54: Demand Special Treatment For Your Child

Sure, he may get lonely on his private school bus, but at least he won't come home with boogers wiped on his jacket.

A private school bus may be lonely, but at least he won't come home covered with boogers.

Your loins have produced offspring so genetically perfect that the rest of the world—otherwise known as the woefully inadequate—better just get the hell out of their way (your children’s way, not your loin’s).

In school, in sports, in restaurants and even in personal grooming, never forget that, even if the rights and opportunities of others are trampled upon, you have to do what’s best for your child.

In fact, use that line as often as you can. It actually flows effortlessly once you get past its incredibly selfish tone. Go ahead, try it: “I have to do what’s best for my child…I have to do what’s best for my child…I have to do what’s best for my child…”

And…um, don’t say aloud the second part of this sentence, which is “…even if it means you, a common stranger or neighbor, along with your child get shit on in the process.” [Read more...]

Rule #47: Hire a Bully to Toughen Up Your Kid

This kid is ready. Is yours?

This kid is ready. Is yours?

Generally speaking, kids these days are gigantic wimps.

They no longer run at recess; they wear helmets for everything; and they even insist on using a local anesthesia for mild bone fractures.

It’s safe to say that they’re not making ‘em like they used to, and your kid is no exception.

At first, you may think it’s cute that little Adam cries during “Beauty and the Beast,” and you may find it endearing when he holds your hand as you cross the street (in public, no less), and you may even melt when he cuddles into bed with you after a scary dream.

But really, you’re just fattening the calf in preparation for social slaughter.

Which is exactly why you should save your child future humiliation by injecting a little trauma into his life now by hiring a bully to toughen him up. Above all, you’ll: [Read more...]

Rule #46: Exploit Your Kids for Useless Causes

This seems like a really long line, but I can't wait to meet the Jonas Brothers!

This seems like a really long line, but I can't wait to meet the Jonas Brothers!

Dating back to your days as a geeky trombone player in junior high, people have been ignoring you.

There was the time you ran away from home, and then…well, no one noticed. And there was the episode when your “human chain of one” couldn’t stop the 100-year-old elm tree in your neighborhood from being chopped down.

Oh, and the time your parents went on vacation without you (you still can’t watch “Home Alone” without breaking into the hippie shakes and a cold sweat).

Thankfully for you, as a parent, the calvary has already arrived in the form of your kids.

There’s nothing that attracts a crowd quite like dangling a baby out of a window and likewise, bringing your child along to protests and rallies.

Besides, exploiting your child to advance your personal cause is not only noble, but it also has fringe benefits like: [Read more...]

Rule #44: Become Your Kid’s Facebook Friend

It's just like listening in to their phone calls, without the heavy breathing.

It's just like listening in to their phone calls, without the heavy breathing.

All kids, especially teenagers, need emotional security, and nothing gives them greater stability than having a parent as a Facebook friend.

You’ve probably heard that teenagers would rather wear braces and headgear until they’re 40 than have parents tromp around their social turf. That’s complete bullshit.

These protests are cries for attention.

Your teenager may throw his body in front of his computer screen each time you walk by, but really, underneath it all, he wants you there. And nothing will elate him quite like adding you adding him as a friend on Facebook. [Read more...]

Rule #41: Blame Your Kids for Everything

See, this is where you screwed up my taxes, dipshit.

See this, dipshit? This is where you screwed up our taxes. Thanks.

The economy sucks, your Escort needs new wiper blades, and you’ve developed a sore on your upper lip that looks like some kind of small, angry shell fish.

Amid all of these maladies, it’s clear that you need a scapegoat. And choosing the innocent, the pure, and the powerless is always the best way to go.

That’s why it’s important to blame your child for every shortcoming and bad break you can think of—it’ll make you feel better and steel your child against the unfairness he’ll face later in life. [Read more...]

Rule #40: Keep Your Kid in a Helmet 24/7

A life on the sidelines keeps your kid scar-free. Physically, at least.

A life on the sidelines keeps your kid scar-free. Physically, at least.

Paranoia is incredibly underrated, especially when it comes to protecting your clumsy-ass children.

And there’s no better body part to be paranoid about than a kid’s melon, which is soft and fleshy and ripe for all manner of fatal injuries, no matter how far-fetched they may be.

Clearly, your child’s precious head needs safeguarding with an industrial-strength helmet, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Sure, your efforts might embarrass your children and contribute to their social status as fruity pariahs, but we figure it’s better than a plastic bubble—or worse—a lifetime of pain and physical suffering. [Read more...]

Rule #35: Employ Sexy Displays of Public Affection

Seeing this is on no one's Bucket List.

Seeing this is on no one's Bucket List.

Your sexual urges are the moldy masts on your sailboat of life. They carry you into waters that seem appropriate and perfectly fine when intoxicated by alcohol and delusion.

It’s what makes you think to yourself, “Everyone in the world wants to see me vigorously rub the lower, bulging quadrant of my wife’s ass while we’re standing in line at Dunkin Donuts deciding between French crullers and glazed fritters.”

This public display of affection reveals how strong your marriage is, as well as the incredibly classy standards you’ve propped up for yourself.

And children can’t get enough of seeing their parents commit to overzealous rubbing, kissing, and canoodling. Child-development research shows, for example, that 12-year-old kids rank seeing their parents “make out with tongue” slightly ahead of “being trapped in a sinking car” and “getting shit on by an angry camel.”

Which is exactly why you and your spouse should display affection, publicly, and perhaps most important, in front of your kids. [Read more...]

Rule #34: Arrange Your Teenager’s Dates

Arranging dates for your daughter is sort of like buying an insurance policy.

Arranging dates for your daughter is sort of like buying an insurance policy.

A good date is to a teenager what dentures are to your Uncle Morty: a necessity for social status and the one surefire way of getting a decent meal at Red Lobster.

But just as you wouldn’t expect your uncle to gum his way through life, your child needs an assist when finding a squeeze.

Think about it. You’ve been arranging your teenager’s social circle since the first toddler play date and have managed to control her choices and tastes…which, interestingly enough, look a hell of lot like your choices and tastes.

Your child doesn’t resent this whatsoever, which is why she’ll be thrilled when you arrange dates for her. [Read more...]

Rule #25: Be a Breastfeeding Superhero

This child is literally going blind. Why? His milk comes from a cup instead of a boob.

This child is literally going blind. Why? His milk comes from a cup instead of a boob.

You are blessed with vessels of milky love that give, unendingly, like Saudi oil fields.

You know this, of course, and you cannot understand why others aren’t as militantly into breastfeeding as you are. It has always been easy for you, and you’ve read all the literature about how it’s the right thing to do, so why don’t others follow you to the Milky Mountains?

You see their children, mouths agape with chubby faces from being force-fed baby formula and solid food, and you think it would be a better world—a perfect world—if you could lecture them about the glory and righteousness of breastfeeding. [Read more...]

Rule #22: Dress Like Your Teenage Daughter

We bet you’ll even get carded at the liquor store...to see if you’re wanted for prostitution.

We bet you’ll even get carded at the liquor store...to see if you’re wanted for prostitution.

You may have noticed that your teenage daughter is younger and inordinately hotter than you. Perhaps most important, you’ve noticed how much attention she gets from teenage boys and older, boldly leering men who should, in fact, be boldly leering at you.

Like almost every mother, you’re brimming with jealousy and envy. But you learned a long time ago that the proper outfit can make all the difference. And nothing says, “I Still Got the Goods” more than dressing like your teenage daughter. Yes, exactly like her.

She’ll appreciate the flattery (isn’t imitation the sincerest form?), and you’ll turn heads like never before as you announce to the world, “Hey, check me out. I’m so comfortable in my skin that I want to show you as much of it as possible—with a fashion sense that’s a cross between Miley Cyrus and the Pussycat Dolls, only with way more chafing.” [Read more...]

Rule #18: Harass Youth League Umpires

What are you, the Vienna Boys Choir? This is a youth league basketball game. Yell. Throw stuff.

What are you, the Vienna Boys' Choir? This is a youth league basketball game. Yell. Throw stuff.

Somewhere between getting cut from a beer-league softball team and drafting a high-stakes fantasy-football squad, you became a bitter douche bag about sports.

Check that. You became a bitter douche bag with a sports agenda. And that agenda usually entails letting most of the free world know that your prepubescent children are superstar athletes.

Anyone who doesn’t see the pure genius of your child’s athletic skills—especially volunteer referees and umpires—should be appropriately scolded. Publicly.

So, we suggest screaming, loudly and frequently, at youth league umpires. This proves to your children that you love and support them, and that you’re willing to make a braying jackass of yourself in public to fulfill all their athletic dreams.
[Read more...]