Rule #106: Bring Beer to Back-to-School Night

beer-goggles

Your future looks a hell of a lot brighter through beer goggles.

Let’s just get this out of the way: You have a tendency to do the wrong thing.

And there are very few opportunities in life to do something right, actually feel good about it, and get a nice buzz going at the same time.

Which is why it’s critical to bring a case of brew to your child’s back-to-school night. [Read more...]

Rule #105: Ignore Your Child’s Anger Issues

ignore-childs-anger-issues

That's not a purr. That's a cry for help.

You’ve probably noticed little Samantha requesting more raw meat with her meals, especially breakfast.

It would be foolish of you to turn down these requests. You see, Samantha is growing, learning and adapting to the world around her, and that world often needs the fuel of uncooked sirloin.

Which brings us to Samantha’s alleged anger issues. [Read more...]

Parental Supervision: Not Always Required

parental-supervision

It's all downhill from here, kid.

Reputable Daycare Provider

reputable-daycare-service

They'll even come to your home for pick-up service. (No return delivery though).

I’d Give You Anything You Ax For

anything-you-ax-for

Just remember, don't run with this thing. Walk slowly, deliberately, and never take your eye of the target.

Getting Off Your Ass is Overrated

Responsibility is a drag. Take a stand against it. OK, take a seat.

recliners

There are very few reasons to get out of a comfortable chair. This isn't one of them.

Related rules:

Birth Control Incentive From Toys”R”Us

pull out and save

This estimate seems low.

From: BernieRunns

Rule #100: Blame Someone Else’s Child for Pool Poop

pool poop

You gotta be shitting me. Is that another floater?

Remember the four pounds of dried apricots you forced little Jamie to eat for lunch?

Well, they staged an ugly coup in your child’s colon, broke down the doors to the anal palace, and came screaming into the previously tranquil kingdom of the neighborhood pool’s 2 feet area.

The resulting spasm of fetid floatsam cleared the pool witin seconds, leaving Jamie both ashamed and embarrassed.

Of course, you always want to shield your child from shame, especially when it’s just as easy to blame someone else. [Read more...]

Rule #97: Grow Weed With Your Children

grow-weed-with-kids

Come on, dad. If we're going to run a profit on this motherfucker we're going to need a bigger patch than that.

We’re all about character-building experiences, especially during the summer.

We’ve even heard stories about right-thinking parents who have put their kids to work mowing lawns for seniors in the neighborhood, working at farmer’s markets and, of course, there’s the requisite lemonade stand that always looks great in family photo albums.

These pursuits are wonderful and wholesome…but they produce chump change. [Read more...]

Rule #96: Allow Your Child to Touch Everything

kids-touch-everything

What's filthier: my hands, or the scabby Band-Aid I just picked up?

Tactile learning is incredibly important to a young mind.

And if you find yourself in the company of a chimp, sloppy-drunk frat brother or eager child, you’ll notice they possess an impulse to touch and otherwise disturb everything that comes into their line of vision. [Read more...]

Rule #95: Encourage Your Kids to Take Rides from Strangers

rides with stranger

Of course the man is nice, Elliot. If he wasn't, would he love Trolls this much?

Gas prices are high.

In fact, you haven’t seen anything quite as high since your college roommate Alfonso figured out how to make a bong out of his kettle drum and the toilet plunger.

But the pain at the pump doesn’t mean you need to feel pain in your wallet, as long as you’re willing to let men dressed as women driving Chrysler LeBarons littered with Slim Jim wrappers chauffeur your next of kin around.

And while you’re saving money on gas and DUI charges, you’ll also rev your engines to these perks of encouraging your kids to take rides from strangers: [Read more...]

Rule #94: Give Your Child a Spray-On Summer Tan

spray on tan

Orange you glad I didn't say sunburn?

Since your child is more intimate with Game Boy than fresh air, chances are his skin is the blueish tone of skim milk.

It’s a great look if he’s auditioning for a part as Tiny Tim or pines to be a stunt double for the next vampire flick.

But as an overall “look,” well, it’s not great. [Read more...]

Rule #92: Teach Your Kid How to Hitchhike

hitchhiking

Come on, you didn't expect me to give you a ride to school every single day, did you?

Remember that time when it was your turn to do the carpool and the neighbor’s snotbucket of a  kid ended up shitting their pants in the back seat?

Of course you do, because all the Odor Eaters in the world still haven’t been able to clear the stench from the air. (And Grandma passes out every time she’s stuffed back there for a family road trip, even when she’s sober).

What if you found out there was a solution – a way to remove yourself from carpool duty and parental responsibility in general? Well, there is. Just teach your kid how to hitchhike. [Read more...]

Rule #87: Don’t Bother Photographing Your Kids

awkward kid photo

Stop this tragedy before it starts.

Identity is so overrated.

Everyone is always saying shit like, “Oh, your child’s identity needs to be nurtured from the minute he’s born. Take plenty of pictures. You’ll be glad you did.”

Nonsense.

Your child knows who he is the minute he can focus on your face and put two and two together to comprehend God’s cruel audacity at giving him your genes, which means the lack of a strong chin and an overbite.

Hey, it happens—trust us, your kid has an identity, and he doesn’t exactly want to be reminded of it every day for rest of his life. Which is why we suggest a complete moratorium on photographing your children. [Read more...]

Rule #85: Refuse to Sign Any of Your Child’s School Paperwork

dont sign anything

Sorry honey, Mommy can't sign this because it'd be irresponsible. Now let me get back to my hooker parade.

Being difficult with people has so many nuances that it’s high art.

And you are the Picasso of difficult.

Trust us, everyone admires this quality in you, especially in the areas where your difficult nature rears itself like a reddish-purple boil that can’t decide if it wants to merely nag or set off Armageddon inside your inner thigh.

Boils, you see, can be feared when they’re difficult, and so can you…at work, at the grocery store, at your child’s sporting events—and yes, especially when it comes to your child’s school.

This is wonderful time of year to be difficult, since your kids will bring home numerous forms—including field-trip permission, homework verification and psychological profiling —from the so-called authorities at school.

Truth is, these do-gooders want your signature for unseemly purposes to be used at a later date, which is why you should routinely refuse to sign any of your child’s school paperwork unless it involves voting for tater tots as the main course for every school lunch. (This great country of ours was built on faith and tater tots—or as we believe, a healthy faith in tater tots.) [Read more...]

Rule #76: Dump Your Kids on Other Parents

parent with child

So wait, how long did your parents say they'd be out of town?

So, you have this sweet opportunity to attend a semi-nude Renaissance Festival in upstate New York where a couple of dudes from Phish (including the back-up drummer) are playing on Saturday night.

The tickets are cheap, the timing is right (the kids are only playing four soccer games on Saturday instead of six), and you can almost smell the booze/urine/body odor cocktail you’ll be inhaling all weekend.

Only problem: What to do with your children?

They’ve worn out their welcome with the in-laws, especially after the unfortunate incident with the nacho cheese and the Citronella candle. Which means that your best option is to dump your children on other unsuspecting parents. [Read more...]

Rule #71: Fake Memory Loss

fake memory loss

I definitely would have remembered if I said anything about saving for your college education. You're thinking of someone else.

We all do it. We promise our children things that, upon later reflection, turn out to be impossible to bestow.

Like telling your son you’ll build him a tree fort if he sleeps past 7 on Saturday morning.

First, you don’t know shit about tree forts other than they require planning, nailing and hammering skills, and the only planning, nailing and hammering skills you possess involved several coeds as an undergrad.

So, yes, the tree fort promise was a buffoonish move, but it’s also a parental move. We’re in the habit of offering things that simply cannot happen once clarity takes over.

And, naturally, children always have clarity. They remember your every word. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to…in fact, it’s your prerogative to forget everything. [Read more...]

Rule #48: Never Change a Diaper

Diapers: Remember when you used to spend your money on condoms?

Diapers: Remember when you used to spend your money on condoms?

Babies are poop-producing machines.

Despite not being able to stand up on her own, the inability to make coherent sentences and the fact that she has absolutely no motor skills, your daughter has managed to become a fierce competitor in the sport of filling up diapers.

And this is a problem. A really shitty one. Aside from draining you financially, the constant diaper changes are robbing you of your free time, and more importantly, your soul. You never signed up to be a butt janitor, and you’re fed up with the third-world-country-esque Diaper Genie and its accompanying stench. (Crap-filled sausage links, really? We’re not buying that shit.)

Which is why you should never change a diaper again in your life, and help your child:
[Read more...]

Rule #41: Blame Your Kids for Everything

See, this is where you screwed up my taxes, dipshit.

See this, dipshit? This is where you screwed up our taxes. Thanks.

The economy sucks, your Escort needs new wiper blades, and you’ve developed a sore on your upper lip that looks like some kind of small, angry shell fish.

Amid all of these maladies, it’s clear that you need a scapegoat. And choosing the innocent, the pure, and the powerless is always the best way to go.

That’s why it’s important to blame your child for every shortcoming and bad break you can think of—it’ll make you feel better and steel your child against the unfairness he’ll face later in life. [Read more...]

Rule #23: Use TV as a Babysitter

Your kid looks to you for wisdom and guidance. You tell him Suze Orman is on at 9.

Your kid looks to you for wisdom and guidance. You tell him Suze Orman is on at 9.

Parenting takes up way too much time, and sometimes you just need a proxy while you’re hiding in the kitchen pounding martinis.

As best we can tell, there’s not a better and more nurturing substitute for your stellar parenting than the almighty television.

That’s why it’s important to use TV every chance you get as a babysitter. The boob tube never fails to offer a warm glow when your children need a little love because you’re too tired, distracted, or hammered to provide it.
[Read more...]

Rule #21: Throw Your Spouse Under the Bus

Play hooky with responsibility by throwing your spouse under the bus.

Play hooky with responsibility by throwing your spouse under the bus.

In the epic struggle to be adored and mindlessly worshipped by your children, there will be winners and losers. And because you’re not exactly the picture of emotional security, there’s no way you want to lose. Ever. You simply can’t fathom one or more of your children thinking you are undeserving of your “World’s Best Parent” coffee mug.

Which means that when anything goes awry—for example, a trip to Disneyland is suddenly canceled—it’s important to assign blame to your spouse. That’s right, the bus of parental legacy is moving quite fast, so toss your spouse under it with the deftness of a hit man. [Read more...]