Because good parenting advice is boooring.
Hey, at least it's better than the leash, right?
Which is natural, because your son is a toddler.
But, damn, it’s a nuisance—not to mention a tremendous responsibility. You can lessen the hassle and add to the fun by allowing your active child to “move freely” inside the friendly confines of a giant hamster ball. [Read more...]
But he only eats one child per year, so you should be safe, Charlie.
The only children who can be trusted are yours—and only if they’ve been sedated with warm milk and apple strudel.
You don’t like the idea of other children or so-called “friends” influencing your brood with talk of the “internet” and its many electronic trappings, as well as using “cell phones” to discuss things such as where they’ll meet to eat food that is fast and “convenient.”
And don’t get us started with the ugly influences on the younger set, including the ne’er-do-wells at Disney.
It’s a dangerous world of ideas, and your children like ideas…mainly because they don’t get any at home. That’s why it’s important to scare away all of their friends and would-be friends. (Studies by researcher-scientist types with bad parts in their hair and acne scars have shown that friendships are ridiculously overrated anyway.)
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Leashing your child teaches tough concepts like "boundaries" and "humiliation."
There are many endearing similarities between your 4-year-old child and a basset hound. A quick comparison of child and dog will make this statement even more profoundly true:
They both are giddily slow-witted.
They both drool.
They both adorably invade the personal space of houseguests, making them queasy and uncomfortable.
And they both seem to relish the comforting aroma of their own filth and have a curiosity for the filth of others.
But all this cuteness has its limitation, because both tend to wander out of your sight in public. Which is why it’s important to have your children on colorful leashes from the time they’re old enough to walk. We live in a terribly scary world that brims with playgrounds, inviting oaks and maples to climb and, perhaps even more sinister, other unleashed children.
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Rule #106: Bring Beer to Back-to-School Night
Rule #105: Ignore Your Child’s Anger Issues
Rule #104: Feed Your Child Soap
Rule #103: Push Your Child to Join a Gang
Rule #102: Force Kids to Wear Sunblock Indoors
Rule #101: Use Your Children to Test Electrical Outlets
Rule #100: Blame Someone Else’s Child for Pool Poop
Rule #99: Encourage Your Daughter to Date a Carny
Rule #98: Blame Your Kids for Natural Disasters
Rule #97: Grow Weed With Your Children
Talk.