Rule #106: Bring Beer to Back-to-School Night

beer-goggles

Your future looks a hell of a lot brighter through beer goggles.

Let’s just get this out of the way: You have a tendency to do the wrong thing.

And there are very few opportunities in life to do something right, actually feel good about it, and get a nice buzz going at the same time.

Which is why it’s critical to bring a case of brew to your child’s back-to-school night. [Read more...]

The Multitasker

multitasking

Because nothing should stand in the way of gaming.

Rule #88: Nothing Is More Important Than High School Homecoming

high school homecoming

This is the greatest day of your lives. What the hell do you mean it doesn't feel like it?

Remember when Friday-night lights shone brilliantly, perfumed air commingled with the whiff of popcorn and raw turf?

The pageantry and purpose of high school came together as a student body—football players, cheerleaders, band members, water boys/girls, team managers, vocally supportive classmates in the grandstands and, yes, the gorgeous homecoming court—captured the essence of youth and hope?

Of course you don’t. You and three friends were in the parking lot cozying up with a bong the length of a Trans Am.

But that doesn’t mean you should dismiss the importance of homecoming for your teens. In fact, because you didn’t exactly take part in the “pageantry and purpose” yourself, make sure you tell your children that homecoming is one of the most important events in their lives…like, ever. [Read more...]

Rule #86: Get Matching Mother-Daughter Tattoos

tramp stamp

I know it's a little high for the tramp stamp you wanted, but it's totally going to sag down to your ass eventually.

Ink on young skin is sexy. Ink on old skin is sexy, too.

Well, provided the light is right and the guy with the toothy grin and nice watch at the end of the bar keeps filling your glass and telling you 45 years old has never looked so damned good on anyone.

Which prompts you to adjust yourself by moving things around that usually didn’t require tending to a decade ago. [Read more...]

Rule #76: Dump Your Kids on Other Parents

parent with child

So wait, how long did your parents say they'd be out of town?

So, you have this sweet opportunity to attend a semi-nude Renaissance Festival in upstate New York where a couple of dudes from Phish (including the back-up drummer) are playing on Saturday night.

The tickets are cheap, the timing is right (the kids are only playing four soccer games on Saturday instead of six), and you can almost smell the booze/urine/body odor cocktail you’ll be inhaling all weekend.

Only problem: What to do with your children?

They’ve worn out their welcome with the in-laws, especially after the unfortunate incident with the nacho cheese and the Citronella candle. Which means that your best option is to dump your children on other unsuspecting parents. [Read more...]

Rule #44: Become Your Kid’s Facebook Friend

It's just like listening in to their phone calls, without the heavy breathing.

It's just like listening in to their phone calls, without the heavy breathing.

All kids, especially teenagers, need emotional security, and nothing gives them greater stability than having a parent as a Facebook friend.

You’ve probably heard that teenagers would rather wear braces and headgear until they’re 40 than have parents tromp around their social turf. That’s complete bullshit.

These protests are cries for attention.

Your teenager may throw his body in front of his computer screen each time you walk by, but really, underneath it all, he wants you there. And nothing will elate him quite like adding you adding him as a friend on Facebook. [Read more...]

Rule #26: Take Your Kids to Bars

You've always been a bit of a dork. Having kids just emphasized it.

You've always been a bit of a dork. Having kids just emphasized it.

You’ve pretty much been labeled a social pariah ever since you decided to have children…at least that’s the way you see it.

You get fewer invites to happy hours and hardly receive any 2 a.m. drunk dials from reasonably attractive people—but perhaps the biggest change is that you simply don’t have the opportunity to get hammered and all crazy in a public setting any longer. (Well, unless you count the church parking lot on Sundays, and we’re not.)

But you are nothing if not incredibly resourceful, so it’s easy to shed a few years of parental lameness by making one simple decision (and please note, this will go down as the single-greatest decision you’ve ever made): Just take your kids with you to bars. [Read more...]

Rule #21: Throw Your Spouse Under the Bus

Play hooky with responsibility by throwing your spouse under the bus.

Play hooky with responsibility by throwing your spouse under the bus.

In the epic struggle to be adored and mindlessly worshipped by your children, there will be winners and losers. And because you’re not exactly the picture of emotional security, there’s no way you want to lose. Ever. You simply can’t fathom one or more of your children thinking you are undeserving of your “World’s Best Parent” coffee mug.

Which means that when anything goes awry—for example, a trip to Disneyland is suddenly canceled—it’s important to assign blame to your spouse. That’s right, the bus of parental legacy is moving quite fast, so toss your spouse under it with the deftness of a hit man. [Read more...]

Rule #1: Get Wasted With Your Kids

Drinking With Your Kids is Cool

Last one to the bottom has to drive home.

Admit it. You want to be a teenager again. It’s not the loose-fitting clothing. It’s not the brazenly hip banter or the meaningful grunts that translate into intelligent conversation among peers. It’s not even the prospect of rolling naked in a field or in the backseat of a Malibu with a relative stranger.

No, it’s none of these things. You simply want to be cool again.

[Read more...]