Rule #94: Give Your Child a Spray-On Summer Tan

in Physical,Rules of Parenting

spray on tan

Orange you glad I didn't say sunburn?

Since your child is more intimate with Game Boy than fresh air, chances are his skin is the blueish tone of skim milk.

It’s a great look if he’s auditioning for a part as Tiny Tim or pines to be a stunt double for the next vampire flick.

But as an overall “look,” well, it’s not great.

And here’s the thing: Despite your preaching, there’s no way he’s changing his homebody ways. Once school lets out for the summer, he’ll make a couple feeble attempts at the camps you suggested. And by early July? He’ll be in hunker-down mode in the cool basement warmed by the radiant glow of his XBox.

With a spray-on tan once every other week, you’ll no longer have to even bother to explain to neighbors and friends why your son looks like a doe-eyed cadaver. Instead, you’ll be deflecting praise and saying things like, “Oh, you know my Brandon, he practically humps the great outdoors, especially trees. He flies kites, climbs roofs, follows the paths of creek beds, plays hours of soccer in the park with his friends…I can’t keep him inside.”

And the tree humping? Every kid needs a hobby. Beside, a little deviant behavior is easier to explain than skim milk-colored skin.

Besides, beach vacations are expensive. And annoying. And helping little Brandon clear his swim trunks of sand was tolerable in the early years, but as puberty kicks in it has become, well, uncomfortable for both of you.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Silly Dad May 11, 2011 at 10:58 am

Personally, I do it because it makes my 9 year old daughter feel like her role model, Snooki. Then I just give her an industrial size can of hair spray and she’s happy for weeks. And it’s great having all the 20 something Guidos constantly hanging at our house, that way can go to the Elks club for bingo and dollar drafts any time I want, and I don’t have to get a sitter!

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