Rule #89: Run Your Child’s Political Campaign at School

in Rules of Parenting

run your childs school election campaign

Lindsey will not be doomed to repeat my failure. Lindsey will NOT be doomed to repeat my failure.

In the harsh world of running for class president, vice president, secretary, or treasurer, there is little room for miscalculation.

Because, let’s face it, miscalculation leads to failure, and failure leads to mumbling to the lunch lady about how, if you’d just promised in your campaign speech to create an all-tater-tot lunch menu, things would have turned out differently back in the day.

But that was long ago, and you’ve learned from your mistakes.

And now it is time to turn those verbal and physical mishaps—especially the one where you soiled a perfectly nice pair of O.P. shorts—into victories for your child by becoming his or her campaign manager.

Some parents want to lead their child’s campaign because it teaches the tenets of American civics, but let’s not kid ourselves: This is about the popular vote, which can only be brought home if your child conducts him or herself like a pharmaceutical lobbyist.

The tactics are many, but remember ruthlessness is to school campaigning what hair nets are to cafeteria ladies: a necessary tool to keep lice and pubic hair out of everyone’s life.

Here are few parent-tested campaign devices where you can score popularity points whether your child wants the gig or not:

Use somewhat negative sloganeering on campaign posters. We like this one: “Are You Really Gonna Vote for Ethan Doby? You Realize He Still Breastfeeds, Right? Plus, He Smells Like Onion Rings.®”

Scratch, sniff and eat campaign posters. Affix Ho-Ho’s to campaign posters with the slogan of “Eat High-Fructose for Free When You Vote for Bobby D!®”

Grease the skids. Hit on the vice principal in charge of counting the votes and truly win her over by offering a carton of her favorite smokes and several $5-dollar-off oil-change coupons.

We’re not suggesting these will ensure landslide victories, but they will go a long way toward showing your son or daughter that, in the great DNA dance that we call life, you’re really not that far from spooning with a your genetic cousin, the tater tot.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Tara October 2, 2010 at 8:27 am

Love this blog. It offers SUCH fantastic advice. I now know I’m an awesome parents, despite what my mother-in-law says, because I do every one of these things.

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