Rule #85: Refuse to Sign Any of Your Child’s School Paperwork

dont sign anything

Sorry honey, Mommy can't sign this because it'd be irresponsible. Now let me get back to my hooker parade.

Being difficult with people has so many nuances that it’s high art.

And you are the Picasso of difficult.

Trust us, everyone admires this quality in you, especially in the areas where your difficult nature rears itself like a reddish-purple boil that can’t decide if it wants to merely nag or set off Armageddon inside your inner thigh.

Boils, you see, can be feared when they’re difficult, and so can you…at work, at the grocery store, at your child’s sporting events—and yes, especially when it comes to your child’s school.

This is wonderful time of year to be difficult, since your kids will bring home numerous forms—including field-trip permission, homework verification and psychological profiling —from the so-called authorities at school.

Truth is, these do-gooders want your signature for unseemly purposes to be used at a later date, which is why you should routinely refuse to sign any of your child’s school paperwork unless it involves voting for tater tots as the main course for every school lunch. (This great country of ours was built on faith and tater tots—or as we believe, a healthy faith in tater tots.)

Your children will undoubtedly put pressure on you to sign your name on a slip of paper—therefore waiving your rights—and it’s up to you to ignore their entreaties and offer potent responses, such as:

Your daughter, Meagan: “Daddy, our first class trip of the year is coming up—we’re going to the county planetarium! All you need to do is sign this permission slip.”

You: “What? You believe in all that astrology hocus-pocus? Meagan, you’re in 4th grade, you ought to know better than to buy that crap. Now go turn on Fox News for daddy.”

Meagan:
“Daddy—it’s not astrology, it’s astronomy. We’re looking at stars in a dark space. Sign here, please.”

You: “I’m not signing a thing until I learn why your teacher wants you sitting in the dark all day.”

Meagan: “It’s an hour, and we’re learning about our solar system.”

You: “And that’s an hour you could spend doing something valuable, like eating tater tots.”

Meagan: “We only eat tater tots at lunch, daddy, and it’s only on Fridays.”

You: “What? I pay all kinds of taxes for you kids not to get tater tots every day?”

Meagan: “I don’t even like tater tots all that much.”

You: “Unbelievable. What are they teaching you kids, anyway? I’m going to talk to your teacher about this.”

Meagan: “Please don’t.”

You: “Oh, I am.”

Meagan: “Does this mean while my class is at the planetarium, I’ll be back at school at the library with the Pentecostal twins and three kids in 4th grade who are allergic to everything?”

You: “Exactly. But didn’t I request a form to keep those twins away from you?”

Meagan: “Yes. The teacher made up a special form just for you. Please sign here, daddy.”

You: “Nope, I don’t think so.”

Comments

  1. Nancy says:

    You also should not sign forms as the little darling will learn your signature and forge it on the forms that you really don’t want to sign…you know like scholarship applications.
    The only thing you should sign is a bunch of late and absentee slips for your kid, because you don’t want the school to keep bugging you every time the kid decides to ditch.

    • Mike says:

      No, a truely smart child won’t bother trying to forge YOUR signature; believe me its harder than it sounds, they will follow my wife’s example and just take all those forms at the beginning of the year and just sign them themselves. That way the signatures will always match, and they NEVER have to show you anything they don’t want you to see.

  2. bren says:

    Whoever posted this is the most pretentious, irresponsible, douche bag of a parent I’ve ever come across. The world is not a looking to get you. Your school is not having you sign things so they can legally plant cameras in your kids pants or whatever your delusional self is thinking. You are everything that is wrong with society. Do us all a favor, give your kids up for adoption to some decent people. You are an unfit parent and your kids will now be placed in custody of carls jr. Cameras in the pants are free, no forms necesary!

  3. Nancy says:

    @Bren
    You would let the school put cameras down your kids pants and then send them off with someone named carls jr? That’s just wrong…

  4. jaycee says:

    @Bren…. it’s a fucking joke. If you honestly believe that someone is stupid enough to actually be like this then you need help. It’s called “Really BAD parenting advice” which obviously means it’s a JOKE. I feel sorry for kids that have to live with a mom that has no sense of humor. You should really give your kids up for adoption so they will grow up with some humor in their lives.

  5. Temper says:

    Nancy @Bren was effin hilarious!! Keep up the really bad parenting advice!!

  6. colby says:

    i think if anyone really does think these things, they probably dont have kids in the first place, or there kids are dead or taken by dhs er somethinig, this stuff offends me but i can take a joke, dont be so childish or someone will be feeding YOU out of a trash can

  7. Catherine says:

    I’m a teacher…..this TOTALLY explains why I have to bug kids for weeks to bring back a stinkin’ permission slip!

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