Rule #83: Teach Your Child to Shoplift

in Rules of Parenting

teach your child to shoplifting

Remember kids, it's only a crime if you get caught.

Yes, it has come to this.

Not necessarily because your paycheck is lighter or you’re struggling to pay the mortgage, but merely because of the existential thrill of giving your child career alternatives.

Besides, everyone needs a hobby, and playing the clarinet will get your kid roughed up in school.

Lest we forget, in the long run, this benefits you, since you should encourage your child to pilfer things that you need.

Say something to her such as, “Rachel, I know in most states, stealing is wrong, and I know we’ve taught you a few of the commandments over the years that sort of cover a little bit of this ground…but, um, I’ve read that it’s OK to swipe stuff if you’re under the age of 12, mainly due to the fact that it keeps kids busy and prepares them for professions in finance and in Wall Street brokerage houses.”

At which point you should hand Rachel a list of shit you’d like her to steal at the 7-Eleven.

Yes, 7-Eleven. Forget fancy places like Sears or JC Penney. You want to teach your child the art of five-finger discounts in cramped spaces with two cameras trained on the rotating hotdogs and the Maxim magazine rack, along with a man behind the counter who’s bleary from working a double shift and cramming for finals by studying his dog-grooming textbook.

This is easy.

What’s hard, of course, is explaining to your spouse why Rachel forgot to pick up the werewolf trading cards and two-pack of sticky buns.

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: