Rule #77: Raise Your Child in a Barn

in Rules of Parenting

raise kids in barn

So, when Cowy goes to college, I can have his room?!

Organic farming practices are something to adore.

They produce gnarled, marble-size potatoes and apples as tasty as a kiss from a farmer who has been making his own organic toothpaste since 1965.

Which is why it makes perfect sense to raise what we like to call “organic barn children.”

Organic barn children are a bold answer to the parental refrain, “What? Do you think you were raised in a barn?”

Naturally, your child’s answer can be, “Yes, in fact, I was. And I have the ruddy complexion, matted hair and ankle fleas to prove it. But I’m making the world a better place. I’m taking up fewer resources, because I’m the first generation of organic children. Truth be told, good sir, I’m better than you.”

Raising your children in a barn can cut down on so many of the unnecessary “frills” of so-called modern living, such as regular bathing, lighting and conventional meals.

This is not to say that you’d raise your children much in the same way one would raise livestock or swine, which is something you find quaint, but have never had any real encounters with, other than trying to talk the farmer down 50 cents for two melons at his roadside stand.

Instead, this is suburban organic barn-child-raising, a new trend sweeping parts of the country that don’t get noticed by the biased mainstream media. (As best we can tell, this is mostly because members of the biased mainstream media are jealous and too busy eating full-priced roadside melons.)

Just two reasons why an organic-barn-child is good for you and the planet:

Regular “hose-downs.” Forget the Slip-n-Slide or water-wasting idea of kids running through the sprinklers. Save money and eliminate the havoc of bath time by hosing down the kids every three or fours when they least expect it (e.g., to wake them from naps or to get them to stop eating the organic porridge you’ve made). Kids will love the surprise and make a game of it.

Electricity savings. America’s forefathers committed hundreds of brilliant ideas to paper without a lick of electricity, so it can be rightfully concluded that our power grid is overrated.

Plus, your child can hand in the controls to their mindless video games and develop real life skills: like the ability to catch cow patties in their bare hands and improving upon organic toothpaste technology.

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