Rule #76: Dump Your Kids on Other Parents

in Rules of Parenting,Social

parent with child

So wait, how long did your parents say they'd be out of town?

So, you have this sweet opportunity to attend a semi-nude Renaissance Festival in upstate New York where a couple of dudes from Phish (including the back-up drummer) are playing on Saturday night.

The tickets are cheap, the timing is right (the kids are only playing four soccer games on Saturday instead of six), and you can almost smell the booze/urine/body odor cocktail you’ll be inhaling all weekend.

Only problem: What to do with your children?

They’ve worn out their welcome with the in-laws, especially after the unfortunate incident with the nacho cheese and the Citronella candle. Which means that your best option is to dump your children on other unsuspecting parents.

It’s not as hard as it sounds. In fact, with a little bravado, it’s pretty damn easy.

However, the art of short-term dumping shouldn’t be taken lightly, as it requires the skills of a break-up artist combined with the nuanced, preachy love of Dr. Phil after several Red Bulls.

These two approaches never fail:

The can-you-drive-my-kid-home-from-a-game routine: It’s fairly simple, as long as you can try not to look your friend Pete in the eyes.

“Hey, Pete, man, I need a favor. I have somewhere to go tomorrow, so would you give Brandon a ride home from his soccer game? Better yet, can he just hang out with you guys after the game for a few hours? Actually, make that something like eight hours. Well, come to think of it—maybe 48 hours. Did I say 48? I meant 72. Pete, man, I really appreciate this. Here’s five bucks to keep him fed while you have him. You can just give me the change when I get back.”

The extended sleepover routine: Another easy one.

“Hey, Brenda, listen…would it be OK if Jenny sleeps over at your house tonight? She said that she and your little Monica already kind of planned it in school today. Oh, really? Monica has mono and head lice and hasn’t been at school for a week? That’s odd. I wonder why Jenny would lie to me? Anyway, it’s no big deal if Jenny is exposed to mono and lice—I mean, she’s gotta catch that shit sometime, right? I’ll bring her over now…and, um, it would be great to build up her immunity, I’ll just have her hang out with you guys all weekend, cool?”

And just like that, you’re on a cheap shuttle to Albany, where pretend pirates and peasant wenches wear nothing but pantaloons as they jig to the exotic staccato of a drummer who dumped his kids at his parents’ house.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Twisted Teacher September 2, 2010 at 11:45 pm

On the other hand, if it so happens, because you’re wasted as usual, that you get tricked into being the dumpee, treat that kid like one of your own. Like not feeding them, then when they complain, lock them in the closet. You know… with your own kids so then they can keep each other entertained and you wont have to listen to their cries.

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