Rule #74: Tell People Your Child Has Special Powers

in Rules of Parenting,Social

kid with special powers

He slayed the shit out of a woolly mammoth in our backyard. No seriously, he did.

Naturally, you’ve mentioned to anyone who’d listen that your child is gifted and talented.

And you’ve also blurted out countless times that Tiffany plays travel soccer, travel lacrosse and has been recently selected for travel bocce ball.

But no one seems to give a shit.

Which bothers you, because you’ve been riding the marginal talent of your kid since she was old enough to say the first half of the alphabet while burping Juicy Juice. Her self-esteem is tied to yours like a tattered suspension bridge between two sand hills.

It’s time to bring out the big guns of parental embellishment.

Tell people your child has special powers—we’re not talking rabbit-out-of-hat magic tricks, we’re talking about things such as levitating cars, empowering the lame to tap dance and making contact with dead relatives via special sugar-induced trances.

Tiffany is truly remarkable, and this otherworldly talent exceeds anything she’s previously accomplished, although it’s important to kind of skirt the subject of exactly what she’s accomplished.

It’s not easy bragging about special powers, but like a good surgeon or a well-paid porn star, you need to know when to insert an instrument that delivers the best results.

Scene 1: at the pool during a swim meet. You watch the race with other parents and casually mention the special powers.

“You know, Tiffany is all about swimming, and I’m really glad she does the breast stroke faster than children twice her age—granted, those children have a fear of water—but her real talent is actually walking on water. [Note: This is when you stare really hard into the middle distance and look all serious, like a Native American who’s recalling the bylaws of his new casino.] I’ve only seen her do it a few times in our hot tub, but it’s at once eerie and inspiring.”

Scene 2: at a dinner party with the neighbors. You’ve purposely forgotten to bring over wine.

As dinner is being served, you say to the hostess, “Oh no, Laura, I’ve forgotten the Merlot. [Note: This is when you begin to reverently whisper, like a Native American who’s just seen the weekend take at his new casino.] But here’s the thing: If you can fill up a jug with filtered water, Tiffany can change it into wine. Seriously. I’ve seen her do it. She has these special powers. She’s extraordinary, you know…”

And if Tiffany can’t pull it off, remind your neighbor that your son can do the same thing with water and Schlitz Malt Liquor.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Water walking ball July 9, 2010 at 11:41 pm

at the pool during a swim meet. You watch the race with other parents and casually mention the special powers.

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dental hygienist July 12, 2010 at 9:06 pm

nice post. thanks.

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