Rule #73: Use Your Child as a Thermometer

God damn it’s hot outside.

Or at least it looks that way from inside your air-conditioned lair as little Billy’s shoes are welded by the sun to the concrete.

And some dude on the local news (did he say his name was Topper?) keeps saying there’s a record-breaking heat wave.

Which is something that makes you curious, but not curious enough to leave your sectional and the remote.

Still…you once considered meteorology as a career (right before cosmetology and just after astrology), and you’d very much like to know what all this weather-related fuss is about.

Naturally, this is a job for your child.

He can be the proverbial canary in the coalmine for a dangerously hot day. We know what some of you pampering parents are saying, “But aren’t you endangering your child when Topper specifically said that the heat index is 110, and it’s only safe outside for roofers and a subspecies of Komodo dragons?”

Please. Kids can take the heat—and they can learn a little something about the alleged hole in the atmosphere that contributes to alleged greenhouse gases and alleged U-V rays, which allegedly aren’t good for anyone or anything.

Most sensible parents realize these are left-wing scare tactics, so it’s perfectly fine to send your child outside to test the boundaries of the heat index with fun activities such as cutting 20 acres of grass with a creaky push mower or contributing to the family beer fund by selling lemonade on the corner.

Besides, are you raising a child or a pansy? (We know it’s sometimes tough to tell the difference).

And by fall, your child will be excited to go back to school. Even if it’s only for the climate controlled classrooms.

Tagged as: getting the most out of your kid, scarring children's memories