Rule #70: Register for Your Baby Shower at a Pawnshop

in Rules of Parenting,Social

Turn that frown upside down with a neon topless dancer sign, or the leg lamp from A Christmas Story.

We figure you have a few things going for you:

First, your home décor is a cross between meth-house chic and the back office at a 7-Eleven (including the cases of unopened Yoo-Hoo in the corner).

Second, you have plenty of friends who are looking to either skip your baby shower or spend as little money as possible on it.

And, finally, you have an affinity for second-hand 14-carat gold pinkie rings, drum sets once used by convicted felons and Soviet-era breast pumps.

Which is why registering for your baby shower at a pawnshop is a most excellent idea.

Hey, isn’t this borderline trashy?

Not at all—in fact, registration at a pawnshop provides an entree into the upscale world of gently used luxury items once owned by the marginally rich and famous, and those currently bunking at the county lockup.

So it follows that if you own items once touched by these people, you’re as good as rich and famous yourself…only saddled with a new kid who will never know that his steak-knife set came from Pete’s House of Pawn instead of William Sonoma.

Naturally, with all of the baby booty you’ll receive from your friends and coworkers, you’ll absolutely need to practice your reactions as you open the gifts during the shower:

The heartfelt gush: “Oh, lord, I can’t believe you’ve given my little angel Bethany the gift of constant protection with a hunting rifle. This is unreal. Bless you and your thoughtfulness, my friend…”

The incredulous burst: “You did not buy my wee nymph Bethany a sterling silver martini set! Oh, this will lead to so many good times and socially inappropriate behavior at a young age. It’ll be so cute. I can’t wait.”

The isn’t-it-so-cute cackle: “A black-leather motorcycle body suit with matching furry chaps! It might be 114 sizes too big on tiny Bethany right now, but once I lose this baby weight and take some meds for my leather allergy, I’m thinking I can wear the suit until Bethany grows into it…you know, just to keep it warm for her.”

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Erica June 11, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Aww, little Bethany got a sawed off rifle from an unsolved murder case?! We couldn’t have asked for a better gift, you are so kind, bless your soul.

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trinalee August 9, 2010 at 9:27 am

Thanks to post I now know where I’m registering for my bridal shower. Ah, it makes me wish I was getting married sooner just for all the laughs and awkward moments this will bring.

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