Rule #67: Use Your Stroller as a Battering Ram

in Rules of Parenting

strollers as battering ram

Those bitches at the park will never see us coming.

First, they took away your semi-automatic Browning—a birthday present that could blow a hole in fat maple from 75 paces.

Then they made you give up your Chuck Norris-autographed numchucks.

And the last straw was banning you from lobbing rocks at the miscreants in your neighborhood (translation: anyone who happens to disagree with you).

But you know what?

Those soft, liberal dick-weeds can’t take away your baby stroller.

In fact, your Swedish brand—a double-decker equipped with what looks like a spoiler—has enough heft to cause more damage than a runaway Delta 88 driven by an escapee from the senior center. Use all that Swedish engineering to drive home your point, even if it’s pointless.

Mommy, why are we headed straight for that jogger?

You’re not out to hurt anyone. Really. You want respect, the type of respect that comes from using a stroller as a change agent. Besides, your kid will pick up more than a few lessons, such as:

Aerodynamics. “Jenny, sweetheart, do you see that crowd of super-bitch mothers up ahead near the sandbox? I need you to duck down and put your head in your lap while mommy picks up speed. If you stay upright, we won’t hit them with quite the same impact. But if you duck, I’ll have no wind resistance at all and those bitches will go down.”

Problem-Solving. That little douchebag down the street, Ben Greenberg, continues to ban you from Saturday night poker tournaments because you supposedly ran afoul of his no-random-nudity clause (effing prude.)

Anyway, show your child that you won’t be banned from anything, even if it’s completely justified and backed up by local decency codes in most states, by barreling through Greenberg’s front door with your Swede on wheels.

Natural Selection. Darwin is great, but a stroller battering ram is even better for showcasing how to get ahead in a crowd of social teat-suckers.

Instruct your children to sit upright, scowl like a writer for a local alternative paper and hurl invectives as you use your stroller to barrel through: crowded church aisles and lines for the Milli Vanilli reunion concert. Lugging around that child will finally pay off.

And if you start to feel pangs of guilt from the trail of destruction you’ve left in your wake at the local Target, just remember, strollers don’t kill people—people kill people.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Bring it on March 16, 2010 at 5:28 am

Jesus christ. If i had a dollar for every time I got hit in the back of the legs with a freaking stroller I’d have at least enough for a 12 pack by now. I’m sometimes tempted to hold out a pencil Braveheart style just to scare the shit out of the kid. the mom probably wouldn’t notice.

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Erica March 16, 2010 at 12:18 pm

Ben Greenberg banned you from poker night?! Bitch is going down.

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Cat March 16, 2010 at 6:24 pm

Toyota should be coming out with a hemi powered model soon, and you can blame it on them.

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Father Knows Worst March 17, 2010 at 5:08 am

@Bring it on: You don’t have to call me that.

@Erica: Can you believe that a-hole? He serves the worst snacks anyway.

@Cat: Fear the hemi. Actually, just fear Toyota in general.

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