Rule #66: Ban Kids From Your Lawn

in Rules of Parenting

kid thrown out of yard

It pains us to do throw you in the mulcher, but it's not like we didn't warn you, Tommy.

When it comes to lawns, children are actually worse—much worse—than moles, nut-juggling squirrels and the terrier up the street with the jumpy sphincter that delivers liquid kibble on your tall fescue every morning.

While these pests pass through or over your lawn, children want to do something more sinister: play on it.

Well, here’s the deal: You spend way too much time and resources on your grass for children to enjoy it. The audacity of these lawn-wreckers can only be matched by your aggressive salvos in defense of your green carpet.

This is war, and you should wage it with vigor—and your children will learn a lot about you and themselves along the way.

But kids have actual legs that move and pent-up desires for frivolity, right?

Big deal. It’s not part of your parental DNA to worry about how your children entertain themselves; you simply need them to get the hell off your lawn with these measures:

Instill abject fear. Tell them that a flesh-eating gnome lives in the grass, and it will attack anyone who so much as tickles a single blade. Something pithy with a Clint Eastwood squint should do it: “Well, Lindsey, the last child who set foot on the lawn got a new nickname: Stubs.”

Two words: invisible fence. If it works on your Labrador, it’ll work on your kids. The only difference, of course, is that you’ll use the fence to keep your children off your verdant lot.

Convince them to wear the unfairly maligned electric collar by making it part of at-home crafts project sparkles and faux rhinestones. Then say something like, “Wow. That collar looks amazing on you! Now, promise daddy you’ll wear it all the time and only when you’re not standing on my pretty, pretty grass.”

Lease part of your expansive lawn to a local cemetery. Let’s face it, a little extra income would help—and it’s well known that our nation is running out of space to bury dead people. Which means that you could probably fit at least 10 to 15 plots and horizontal tombstones (the ones you can’t see from 10 feet away because they hug the ground) on your lot.

It’s a win-win: you’ll earn cash and respect from the relatives of the dead, and your children will be duly freaked out by a gaggle of bodies buried next to where they used to do the Slip ‘n Slide.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

jason March 11, 2010 at 6:10 am

LAWN NAZIS!!!! I HATED these bastards when I was growing up and now I piss in their yards when I’m drunk or bored or it’s night time.

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Forgotten March 11, 2010 at 2:59 pm

I must say that I wouldn’t want my grave to be leased…what if your lease runs out? Do you get exhumed? Plus your lawn won’t look as pretty with all those people wearing black trampling all over it and crying. Leaving tissues all over the place and showing up at odd hours to mourn their loved ones. Then the kids would be up bothering you about the stranger in the yard at 3am.

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Creed August 22, 2010 at 1:52 am

Plus if you lease out your yard wont they find the bodies you already buried there? which could teach an important life lesson for children. “innocent until proven guilty”

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