And you had the audacity to complain about sitting in the corner.
Joshua’s done it again: After you’ve repeatedly told him not to roast his sister’s training bra over an open-pit fire in the guestroom, the weight of your words are ignored.
Mockery has become the boy’s watchword, and he’s just daring you to put him in timeout.
And this you shall do, but with an effective twist: Send him to timeout at a place where punishment comes in the form of complete abandonment in a chamber of hopelessness, despair and goat-broth dinners. (Other than that, orphanages seem like great places.)
What, you think I enjoy sending you to a lonely-hearts farm?
This approach is all about well-intentioned tough love, and the benefits are immense:
Shedding excess pounds. Let’s face it, for such a young dude, Joshua is a fat ass. A few days fighting over the last undercooked lima bean will give him a new appreciation for the benefit of getting three squares from you.
Building up a tolerance for atomic wedgies. There’s nothing quite like the underwear tug that comes from angry orphans—a force so vast that Joshua’s nethers might be numb for several days, teaching him to adore the uninhibited dangling he enjoys at home.
Learning that two crappy parents are better than none at all. Since Joshua is on the front lines of abandonment, he’ll note that you’re not so bad after all…which gives you carte blanche to force him to pluck those hard-to-reach back hairs of yours and to embarrass him in front of his friends by giving them odd hip-hop monikers as you try to be cool (“What up, Lil’ Puss”).
Trick or Treat … or Therapy
Rule #106: Bring Beer to Back-to-School Night
Baby Photos are for Babies
The Beginning of the End
Rule #105: Ignore Your Child’s Anger Issues
Just the Two of Us
Rule #104: Feed Your Child Soap
Parental Supervision: Not Always Required
Rule #103: Push Your Child to Join a Gang
Equals
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m sure this is just hilarious to children who actually grew up in orphanages. Way to make light of something you obviously don’t understand.
^^People like Natalie still exist? Being an idiot was so 2009.
You know, Natalie, you’re right: How can these jackasses make light of things they don’t understand or haven’t experienced first hand. Let’s a start a list of things that they’re banned from writing about. OK, here goes: kazoos, apartheid, the manufacture of toilet paper, digital photography of two-headed frogs, butt tattoos, mole removal, male-pattern baldness, female-pattern baldness, exploited water fowl…
That’s just for starters. I suggest we create an ongoing list that will pretty much ban these vile people from writing about anything with a satirical bent, OK?
Now we got ‘em, whaddya say?
I think Nat craves to be punished. Otherwise, why she following you to the orphanage? Time for a giant camel toe wedgie, Nat, or no porridge for you!
Camel toe wedgie? I think I found myself a new fetish.
You give your kids 3 squares? By squares you mean those microwave meals with questionable meats in them, right?
I think they mean 3 cigarettes per day, right?